Taking a step back from Mum & Daughter

[belovedandpureones]

Hoping for some advice….i am married with 2 grown daughters. My eldest is 8 months pregnant. An exciting time for our family, or should be! My mum is a narcissist and has an enmeshed relationship with my eldest daughter. Always been distant from me, but she has always been obsessed with my daughter and I encouraged it as I was ignorant of her intentions when younger. She has showed hardly any interest in my youngest daughter. All the time, she was poisoning my eldest daughter against me and our little family from childhood, saying she was not as loved as my other daughter 😡. This is completely untrue and deeply upsets me. The impact of my mother upon my life has been profound…ignoring, smear campaigns against me, competition, and it is never ending! Not to mention causing never ending problems between myself and my eldest daughter. I have had anxiety and depression due to my mother’s treatment of me and also my husband is emotionally abusive and she seems to enjoy this. She sent my husband a jokey birthday card a couple of years ago, saying ‘you deserve a medal for putting up with my daughter’. This was after we had had words about her behaviour towards me.

Fast forward to now and, as I said, our relationship has been awful since I told her I knew what she was a couple of years ago. I didn’t say the words ‘a narcissist’ but I am sure she knew as her shocked face said it all. Ever since, she has been on a mission to destroy me. I have never been invited to her house for almost 3 years but she visits me once a week, even though I don’t particularly want her at mine. Every time she visits, she makes at least once thinly veiled comment to either trigger me or upset me. For example, last week,she said ‘I helped (my daughter) put baby’s clothes away yesterday’. Then followed this up by ‘saying you said you weren’t going’. Backstory - I was meant to be going to my daughters this week to sort baby’s clothes after she asked me. I have taken the week off to help her get the house ready and never told my mum I wasn’t going at all. When I saw my daughter tjhe following day, she said ‘if I want your help I will ask you’. We then made arrangements for me to go today to sort her bedroom.

I am currently not speaking to my mum and never want to see her again. She is a demon. My daughter texted me this morning to ask if I am going today (as planned) and I lied and said I am ilI. I am in a bad way mentally after the baby clothes saga. I feel my role as the family scapegoat will never end and it is a heavy load that I feel I can no longer carry. My mum has coached my daughter to treat me in the same way she does and it is too much to bear. I text my daughter and she takes 3-4 days to answer and is always so passive aggressive. She hardly has a relationship with her sister either, which really upsets me. Advice please 🙏 Do I distance myself from my daughter?

Do not give up on your daughter please: that is what your mother wants, that's the goal she's pursuing. I'm really sorry for what you've been going through: I sympathize deeply with your suffering. You say your mother is a demon and sometimes I actually think we lack the language to describe the profound harm these people do (so yes, I would say demon-related is appropriate: it certainly can feel that way).
I don't know what concrete advice to give you besides this: do not believe your mother about yourself, do not see yourself through her poisonous gaze and do not give up on your daughter. I don't dare to say which is the way to accomplish this, I think that's something you will figure out by yourself.
Please take care: you are not how your mother has made you feel all your life. In fact, you are quite likely the opposite and she envies you for it. She probably saw the potential for bonding you had with your daughters and decided to destroy it because she knows it's something that will always be out of her reach.
Sending my sincere best wishes 🙏💐

Also: bump

OP, kindly meant but you have passively allowed your mother free rein with your daughter and to trample all over you.

You need to take control.
Block your mother everywhere.
Do not allow her enter your home again.
Focus on getting out of your marriage.
Tell your daughter to contact you when she wants to see you, otherwise you will leave her be.

Focus on taking control of your abusive marriage and gettjng out of it.
Your mother adds nothing to your life so cease engaging.

How can anything improve when you are allowing things to continue?
You can do this.
Stop engaging.

Thank you so much @NameChangedOfc Everything you say is spot on and my life is made so much harder since she only targets me (well it feels that way). She is the ‘perfect mother and grandmother’ to my siblings and their children. Such a lonely place to be and I have no support at all.

Thank you for your sound advice @Hufdl. I needed to hear this and you are right! I think it is harder as I have no familial support at all and I am financially tied to my marriage - escaping is being worked on though, albeit very slowly!

Good woman.
Keep working on it.
Reach out to organisations that might be able to help you.
Giving yourself space from your mother and daughter will give you peace and space.
You cannot change them and never will.
Change yourself.
Protect yourself.
We teach people how to treat us.
Stop your mother coming near your home.
Reach out to Women's aid to see if they can help get you out and into alternative housing.
You can do it.