Relationship coming to end

[mumoftwoboys321]

posting on here as my head is a mess my life is upside down and have no one else to turn to
ive been in a relationship for 17 years generally been good had a few bad patches but always got through things pretty quick, we have two children together,
so after Christmas he started going out a little bit more than normal then the day before Valentine’s Day I was putting his card in his rucksack when I found a Card from another women in there (she is married with children) I questioned him about this and he claims she sent it he’s never done anything with her or to make her think there’s anything
So fast forward to now and we’ve been trying to work things out he’s adamant he’s not done anything wrong he told me last night that I’m acting like Jekyll and hide one minute things are good next it’s frosty and cold says he get why my heads a mess but thought things would of improved by now, so I messaged him last night while I was working to ask him about us and he said with everything going on as it has been and that I have doubts he thinks it might be best to end things and that I deserve better and not to have doubts, well safe to say that just makes me feel worse.
am I being unreasonable to feel how I feel at the moment

If he says you deserve better then that’s basically an admission that the way he has treated you is not what you would expect from a committed partner. I would see that as him admitting to an affair to be honest.

Honestly who wouldn’t be confused and upset from finding a valentines card to their partner from another woman. Because unless she is completely crazy she would only have sent the card if she had a strong reason to suspect it would be well received.

Do they have regular contact? How does he know her? Has he done anything to shut her down?

Have you checked his devices or is he willing to show you so you?

The fact he is willing to give up on your relationship because of an incident that understandably has impacted your trust in him shows he feels guilty and has one foot out of the door. In your position I would call his bluff and tell him you do deserve better. It’s the only way you will find out how he really feels. Holding onto him will just push him away. He thinks he’s gods gift with another woman chasing him. Don’t play the ‘pick me’ dance. If he’s willing to lose you over this he was never yours to begin with.

We met her and her family last year as far as I know he’s had some contact with her and her husband but I strongly think more with her I haven’t checked his devices but I’m quite sure he’s probably locked anything on there if there was anything, I might try asking him to show me and see what response I get he claims he’s done nothing wrong and only been a friend but the card had a photo of them together which must of been taken more recently as I didn’t recognise the back drop from where we all met, I’m starting to think I’ve been so dumb and stupid to believe him and so utterly hurt that he could of possibly done something I never thought he would do to me

There is a photo of them together??? And he’s never told you he has seen her one on one. Yet he maintains he has no idea why she sent him the card. Of course you are not going to believe that and forget about it. His explanation is ridiculous.

Ask to see his phone but beware he may have removed evidence if he knows you are suspicious. But I don’t think you need any more evidence than you found.

Tell him you will discuss it with her husband if he is maintaining that she sent an unsolicited valentines card to a married man. I’m sure her husband wouldn’t see it as nothing. Judge how your husband reacts to the threat. He should be wanting to reassure you not protect her if nothing has happened between them.

You need to protect yourself emotionally and financially. Don’t beg him to tell the truth if he doesn’t want to save your relationship there is nothing you can do.

He claims they bumped into each other when he’d gone out with work friends, I believed him
yet I’m writing these out and thinking what a stupid cow I’ve been don’t think I’ve ever felt so broken and alone, I have a gut feeling if I did that it would be himself or her he would protect

They "bumped into each other" and decided to take a joint photo!?

He is blaming "your doubts" for the proposal that you should end things, rather than blaming his actions.

This is what I feel but he’s very good at making me feel like I am in the wrong or have jumped to the wrong conclusion and all I do is doubt myself and then think it is all in my head
why do people treat people this way!

I first suspected an ex was cheating because - wait for it - he got in such a muddle on Valentine's Day that he posted my card TO HIMSELF. I later found the Valentines texts with one other woman, and more texts with another woman.
You absolutely do deserve better than someone who did anything with that card other than hand it straight back.

he’s very good at making me feel like I am in the wrong

I am sorry this is happening to you. It is textbook stuff and you must be feeling so sad.

Why on earth would she give him a valentines card? Come on all the evidence is there that they are having an affair 😔

Time to contact this woman's husband!

Women are rarely 'crazy' as men claim. I don't know anyone who would send a Valentine's Day card to some random person they vaguely met.

Sorry...

Sad angry broken confused lost just about sums things up
It’s disgusting how people can treat someone they are supposed to love so poorly looks like I’ve got to figure out a new way forward
thank you for your reply’s

Even if they are having an affair (which they probably are) it is still really weird to give him a Valentine’s Day card. Who does that.
I’d ask her - face to face if possible.

Remember they barely know each other. Even if they have been messaging everyday and meet in secret they only know a carefully curated version of each other.

What makes it exciting is that they have had to sneak around behind your (and her husband’s) back. She is no better than you. It’s the thrill of the betrayal that has allowed it to develop to the stage where she is sending him a valentines card. They are escaping their mundane life and seeking validation in each other. Kick him out and let him go live with her and her kids. I’m sure the novelty will wear off.

You deserve better. You could have found another man to give you attention, but you didn’t because you don’t get off on hurting others to make your life exciting.

Is this really someone you want to be with? You don’t need concrete proof. He’s already told you, you don’t deserve this.

It seems pretty clear that your husband is either having an affair, or lusting after someone else.

You have the power here. Statistically speaking it is unlikely he will leave you unless you make the decision for him. He’ll use the two of you for all he can get, and then stay with you to avoid the financial, social, familial fallout.

The question becomes why you would want someone like that around. Do yourself a favour and see him for who he is and see yourself for what you’re worth. Men like that, the ones that go looking for excitement and don’t care about the hurt they cause, are broken beyond repair.

I dont see her and really don’t want to but found it very weird

Contact her husband. He deserves better too.

Will have to see if I can get that off his phone as he’s the one with their contact details but that’s easier said than done as it’s always on him and everything is locked with Face ID

And the script has begun.

Just makes me feel so worthless that this has happened I don’t want to be with a man like that I would rather be alone than keep feeling the way Iam just never thought this would happen thought the family we had made ment more than that

I understand why you feel that way but this really has nothing to do with you. This is a flaw in his character not yours. The most successful and attractive women still get cheated on (Beyoncé!). You deserve someone who is secure in themselves and doesn’t need validation from other people’s wives.

If he really was innocent he would be bending over backwards knowing how bad it looked, to show you he had not cheated (full access to his devices, timeline of events that made sense etc) and he would be patient with you because he understood the damage this had caused to your relationship.

Instead he’s annoyed at you because you haven’t moved past it quick enough. He has no remorse and I wouldn’t be surprised if this is not the first time he has cheated but he’s not used to getting caught out. Let me guess, he controls the finances, is away on work trips and/or friends holidays, swans around like he’s gods gift and expects you to do the lion-share of the housework and child rearing?

He’s monkey branching you! (Look it up if you don’t know what it is) - or he has been until you’ve blown it up.

Hes reaching up to the higher branch for fruit whilst keeping the security of you on the lower branch. Happens all the time. Many of us have been there.

Try to get contact details (social media, Linked In, Google search his name, sports club activities? It’s very rare not to have an internet footprint) for her husband and prick your husband & the OW’s bubble. “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.”
See a solicitor.

He’s actually a good dad does a lot for the children so I can’t fault him there is does bare minimum round the house but will cook if I’m working, he seems to think quite highly of himself at times but also has struggles with his mental health which is why I tread carefully with things, I’m going to try and do a bit of digging while I put a plan in to place to make sure my children are ok finding when this finally comes apart, I’m going to take all you advice and sort my life out once and for all, I’m going to ask to see his phone as that is where anything will be and if he says no or everything’s locked to the max or he finally has the decency to explain him self I know I can look my children I. The eye and tell them I’ve done everything I can to hold the family together but sometimes that’s not enough I won’t be telling them this till they are old enough if they ever asked that is, think the thing I need is the proper proof of ongoing and wrong doing on his side so that when it feels as if I’ve lost my mind I know I haven’t god I sound like a sad sap

You don't sound like a sad sap at all, just someone very hurt and upset, quite rightly. The only thing I can add is this: don't 'wait until they ask' to tell your children exactly what happened. I don't mean ram it down their throats every breakfast time plus a note in their school lunchbox in case they forget, but the 'if they want to know they'll ask' really doesn't work. You need to set a date when you'll tell them anyway, and stick to it. We had this stupid secrecy in my family and it's taken decades to get to the bottom of what was really quite simple, albeit bigamous.

This is an old thread that has been revived. But I do wonder how you are OP, and what decision you made? I hope things are more resolved now and you are able to move on positively.