Not sharing information with MIL to protect yourself

[LaPoulette]

I am not sure why I am writing this. I think I might need counselling in order to accept how things are/ have been. I am going to try to summarize, as this has been building on for 10 years, and I think I am about to crack.

My Mil provided a torrent of advice when my first child was born - would claim it was helpful advice that we could follow or not, but then would be incensed if it was not followed. In all instances, to keep the family peace, I have just accepted the blame or to be in the wrong and that she is correct. Also, during the years, I have listened to her belittle (for lack of a better word) lots of people from different walks of life - calling a 15 year old girl plump and umpromising; her niece not the sharpest tool in the box, when talking about a mutual friends she would glow with glee asking if "I knew whether she was getting divorced" as she had seen her at the church larder (no concept for Mil that peole can struggle with money as she is very well-off) (the friend is happily married, by the way). During lockdown, my grandfather caught covid (grandfather is in different country, along with my parents, so I was very worried). She proceeded to "spread the news" of what had happened to my side of the family to the whole church. Never asked if this were her "news" to share. Has body shamed me - and to a lesser extent, my husband (to the point he would eat a big bowl of cereal before seeing her so as not to be hungry and eat less in front of her). When husband was unemployed. And his brother could link him to a job offer, she proceeded to tell the brother not to to do that and my husband would "disapoint him" (but she would tell me all of this followed by "but don't tell your husband or he might be uset!).
Many other instances where you can just see she is happy when misfortune happens to other people, but do not want to detail it, in case it is too identifying. Now - having moved countries - I am sitting some very tough exams, which I am unlikely to pass first round. MIL keeps asking my husband about them. He told her when the first one happened. I am now upset as I feel I will have to overcome the (predictable) disappointment of failing coupled with the shame of having to tell her.
Am I silly to feel so upset? I just do not want to give her any instances to have any shadenfreude, as I feel already very hurt by how she has treated me in the past. I feel also conflicted about feeling like this as she has helped a lot with childcare and cooking - but always on her terms, and doing what she likes when she likes, not what would actually be helpful. If we would not have allowed her to do childcare, she would also have claimed we were denying her of her grandchild.
Thank you for reading. I feel better having written it down (I am looking after the children by myself after moving from the uk, and I think the stress of that does not help)

You and your DH need to put your MIL on an information diet. Never tell her anything about your lives unless there is a valid reasons why she needs to know.

She sounds like a self-satisfied bitch who revels in the misfortunes of others. Don't give her any ammunition to use to hurt and belittle you and your DH.

Do you now live in a different country than your MIL?

@thepariscrimefiles Thankn you for replying.

I have moved countries, as I did not know how to cope with this situation anymore. My husband is still in the Uk and struggling to get a job here, so just me and my parents (who are lovely, but old). I just feel a bit sad, as I had made the Uk my home, and was very sad to live a whole live behind me. But I did not have any more strenght.
It is also reassuring to hear someo e else say that Mil might be at least partly to blame. It came to a point - and probably today is one of those days- that I just feel that I deserved everyhting she said, she was right I was wrong and basically I am just oversensitive and "do not understand British ways" (her words) (I am a foreigner, which I think she dee down does not like...).
Thank you.

What does she bring to your life? Anything good? Your Dh is caught in the FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) I bet he doesn't contact her because he thinks it would be lovely to speak to my Mum but instead because it is expected of him and if he doesn't then she will whine and create drama. Look up FOG and see if this fits. It usually also entails "flying monkeys" ie other people she will cry to when she doesn't get what she wants and they in turn contact you to tell you how upset she is because they too are part of the FOG situation. The fear her kicking off.

The next question is why you believe you should have any sort of relationship with someone who is deliberately so nasty to both of you? She belittles you, stopped your Dh getting a job by pressuring the other son (see FOG) relishes in other people's misfortune, she is just awful. Just because you are related to someone by marriage does not mean you owe them a relationship with you or your children. Be unavailable to take calls, be busy. If your Dh does speak to her you have just been busy, with what? This and that, well what have you been doing? We've just been busy. Keep repeating it, ask about her, don't break.

Dh had to get like this with his parents, mainly because they felt they could tell us what to do (or try) because they treated us like children. Even when we first started dating they acted like we were 14 instead of both working post uni.

Look up FOG, see how to deal with it and know that your self worth is not determined by this woman. And if she complains about not seeing her grandchildren who is she complaining to? If you, say this is the way we have chosen to do things, it is our way.

Crossed posted with you. You can return to the UK, you could live somewhere different away from her. I know it can be very hard but your Dh could look at both jobs where you are and also in the UK and see where you could be.

@DennisRoundThePost Thank you. She is truly wonderful with the grandchildren - takes them to outings, actively plays with them, reads to them, cooks with them, takes them to plays. It is a like a different person with them. I always felt guilty depriving them of that relationship.
My FIL is also lovely. A lot of the times I have just "grinned and bear it" all the things she has done for fear of upsetting them.
When I write things down, so that they are more tangible, I can see how bonkers it all seems, and I find it difficult to undersyand why I didn't stand up for myself.
I will look up FOG and flying monkeys. Thank you everyone.

Although she may have a wonderful relationship with the children I wonder do they see the way she criticises you? Do they witness her put you down? Now I may be totally off the mark but could she be manipulative enough to be wonderful with the children to appear "better" than their own Mother? Also so that if you did reduce contact the children would be asking for Grandma and maybe at a much later time in their life if they disagreed with your rules Grandma would welcome them into her house with open arms? I have seen this with my friend.

So putting it bluntly, your MIL is also duplicitous, able to be almost a completely different person with the children and yet, all the awful things she has displayed to you a nasty, cruel, spiteful gossip. Just my thoughts. My own Grandma was awful, put my Dad down (her son) and my Mum kept taking us to see her. I wished she hadn't because we were witness to her nasty side, her venomous tongue she used to abuse others.She said horrific things to strangers too. I often wonder how life had made her like that.

Your MIL is fully to blame. She sounds like an unkind and toxic woman and probably racist/xenophobic as well.

Only you are in the UK and not a UK national I would have assumed my SIL posted this about my mother. My mum is as toxic as they come, always degrading other people, smug when other people have perceived failures. Relishes anything bad happening to other people. Just a vile human being but FOG was what kept me telling her things over the years. All came to a head 18 months ago and I just stopped telling her anything as she holds everything against people. Sorry you are dealing with this but trust me your kids will see how she treats you and you owe them to keep your distance from her.

Ah that old chestnut, you're from a different country, so she uses that to excuse her behaviour. You are not 'over sensitive', and your MIL is a first class bitch. That has zero with her being British, and more to do with the fact she has a nasty personality. She reveals in others misfortune and spreads nasty gossip, all whilst attending church!! Both you and your husband need to stop giving her information - the less she knows, the better. Tell her what she needs to know, and I suspect that won't be much! Without any information, she has no ammunition to use against you. If questions are asked, be vague and generic, don't give her specific information.

Thank you for all the replies. They reassure that I am not crazy and that not wanting to tell her about these exams - or pretty much anyhting, but this was what triggered it - does not make me weird. My husband initially thought I was being a bit precious. I spoke with him and he agrees he sometimes feels the same - the need to conceal information so that the information is not used against him.

I am so sorry for all the people who have experienced similar situations. And so thankful for all the replies.

@DennisRoundThePost I had always thought that Mil was just able to "put aside her feelings" for the sake of children. She really dislikes my husband (who many years ago was offered a place to study at Oxford, but then did not get the grades predicted... and she never accepted this - She had devoted a lot of time teaching him... so it reflected badly on her as she was a Sahm - my husband's take on it). I thought she extended - maybe inadvertently- how she treated him to me. Never thought that treating my kids really nicely could also be a way to "get to me".
Sometimes she will treat me really nicely - will buy me gifts (umprompted and never asked, gets upset if you decline them).
In between seeing her, not knowking if I am going to get the "super nice Mil" or the "beware Mil" creates so much anxiety.

From what I am writing, I can see that there is no solution other than to keep her even further from knowing anything from us.

I could have written very similar myself! I'm also born overseas with all my family there. DH is British and we've lived in the UK 20yrs.

Initially, I got on ok with MIL. Years ago, a close relative wanted to tell us she was pregnant, but couldn't get through on my phone. She called my MIL, but said it was a secret and she wanted to tell me herself. Straight away, MIL called to tell DH and I about this relatives pregnancy.

When I queried why MIL had told us, she said she can tell anyone, anything she likes and doesn't keep secrets. Multiple other issues, but from that day, I have never told her anything personal that I didn't want the entire family/neighbours/randoms knowing about. DH was in agreement too.

She said awful things about our upcoming wedding and kicked us out when we were staying for Christmas. She said she wanted nothing to do with us or our wedding. She said that DH and I were the cause of ALL the families problems and fights! We ended up with no contact for 2yrs

She has no idea we TTC 12yrs, that I lost 3 pregnancies and had rounds of IVF. She has no idea I had a breast lump- which was thankfully benign. She doesn't know DH is diabetic. We only tell her a tiny, glimpse of things we do. Very limited detail about holidays, work, life etc. Its her loss and life is so much better.

I had to google what 'Shadenfreude' meant and I like that word. Its sad that you have moved abroad OP and your DH is still in the UK. Where is your child? Would you DH move to you country?

@Darkclothes I had quite a tough recovery after the births of both of my children, but it sounds tou have had quite a few tough years with TTC and miscarriages. I am glad to hear the lump was not concerning. It is just so sad that when faced with scary situations - especially if your own family is not with you - that you cannot rely on your Dh family. Sending hugs to you.
My daughter and son are with me. DH visits as much as he can. I mY have an opportunity to work again in the Uk - might give dh a bit more time and stability to find a job so then we can all move away.
It has been so awful. I am just scared of coming back (hence the exams) but feel sad for the life I left. And scared Dh is getting lonely/ disappointed / frustrated /depressed as he is by himself.
But I just couldn't cope with her anymore. Take care Darkclothes. I am so grateful for everyone who has replied. I really had very dark thougts today, and feel a bit less lonely.

@LaPoulette I just see it as she is conniving and manipulative. It isn't you, it is her. Your Dh has grown up with her so he thinks this is somewhat normal which is why you need the FOG toolkit. You need to go low contact, just be too busy to take the calls. No one should make you feel this bad about yourself. It doesn't matter if she is also nice too at times. Abusers, which is what she is, aren't awful all the time.

My SIL has a crazy Mother and it took her several years to see her for who she really was with us gently pointing stuff out. As someone witnessing it first hand it is quite the game. The Mother even tried it with me, invited me and me alone to my SIL's secret baby shower. I had an app on my phone that automatically recorded every phone call so I played it back for Dh. She said me and me alone, no Dh and not my sons who were secondary age because it is just for the "girls".

I turn up she fakes looking over my shoulder, where is Dh and the boys? I said her exact words to her, she said no I never said that, what a shame they won't make it. I knew she would use this to bad mouth me to my SIL making out I wanted to come alone. To her surprise I said, Dh is right here, he has just dropped me off (90 minute drive away) so she assumed I would drive myself, but just in case she played this hand, Dh waited parked up to see if this invite would extend to him and the boys. She slapped on the most fake smile I have ever seen as I rang Dh in front of her. It was a joy. I told my SIL about it a couple of years later.

@DennisRoundThePost All of this contrived situations, sound, sadly very familiar (ie orchestrating situations so that you are to blame and denying what she has said). Definitely need to look up a good book about Fog psychology.

I think that you have summarised it in the "abusers aren't awful all the time". I just feel so stupid. I used to work as a teacher, and during Pshe lessons we would talk about abusive partners and friends. I can't believe I never clocked on that it was also applicable to other types of familial relationships!
I had always thought that maybe if I tried a bit harder, things would work out in the end. Even being overseas, she has me worrying - we are visiting over Easter (Mostly so the kids can see their father.

@LaPoulette they are also very clever with their manipulation so it is easy to miss the signs and you start thinking it is you. You are not stupid, you are probably very lovely, trying really hard to get her to like you, jumping though hoops, putting her feelings first. Well now you see it for what it is you can build some great boundaries and help your Dh to do it too.

You did the right thing getting yourself out of that situation by going home. It is intolerable to be around and be subject to such toxicity from a person who is family but not such close family that you can't just tell them that they're (being) an asshole.

The thing that is said about how to cope with narcissists is that you can't; they're so toxic that the only way to cope is to get the hell away from them. I think you should be proud of yourself. It's self-preservation and it's so important.

Thank you everyone. I have managed to read on the internet some literature on Fog and narcissists. And it has been very eye opening. Can't believe I have thught for sonlong that I was the problem!

I really need to proof read my replies! Apologies everyone for some awful typing!

Had she bragged to everyone that Mr LaPoulette was going to Oxford in September, then had to backtrack?

@TakeMeDancing I am not sure. I did not know my husband back then... this is something that happened almost 20 years ago... and yet she still brings up her disappointment about it.... MH tries hard to please her. But inevitably, it is only when we mess up - which we do - that she decides to put the focus on.

My MIL is similar, but DH and siblings don’t know any different—to them, she is a normal mum. It’s all about control—no, we’re not doing a big Christmas together this year—it’s too much…then once everyone has their own plans in place, all of a sudden there’s a big celebration planned at her house and we’re all EXPECTED to cancel our plans, and to be there (and her kids snap into line immediately because FOG). It’s nuts.

She has no idea about my breast lump removal, nor about my abdominoplasty to correct my diastasis recti—my health is not gossip material for her—I watched her do this with my SIL and her fertility journey.

@TakeMeDancing I am so sorry. I think it is particularly hurtful when you need to be garded about your health. As if one does not have enough stress dealing with health issues, you have to remember to be "business as usual" when she is around. I have had to do this - due to cardiopathy - and it is just an extra layer of stress. The more I write things down, the more I realise that the things that I have been doing to keep the peace are a bit crazy! Hoe you are well TakeMeDancing