In 12 years my H has never organised the kids to do anything for me for Mothers Day H a

[peopletoo]

That's it really.

In fact, its occurred to me recently that he's never organised anything for me. Never organised a birthday do, never organised our holiday, never organised a weekend away or even a day out,. Never organised a meal out or night out. Or a coffee at a cafe. Never come home having bought something nice he thought I would like. Never. Nothing. Ever. Somehow, I have never noticed it before we had kids. But I really notice it now.

I will never, ever forgive him for never organising the kids to do anything for Mother's Day or for my birthday.

He thinks he is really supportive. Because he looks after his own children whilst I got out. But then I was chatting to a guy at the gym, a guy I barely know, and told him about an exercise goal I had. And this man I barely know, and rarely bump into, offered to write me a training plan to achieve this goal. And he did. My H is also a serious fitness fan and he has never offered to do this. And that got me thinking that my H has never ever actually actively supported me in anything I have done. Never. Ever. And I never realised it until that random man actually offered me support to achieve something important to me. And then I realised, ' ' 'hang on, this is what support from one human to another looks like.'

And that got me thinking that actually, my H brings nothing positive to my life. But he brings a whole lot that is negative.

I really fucked up in who I married.

Maybe it's time for a new start.

I’m really sorry OP that is so sad

Ooooo how old your children? Any girls? Do they draw you a card? Maybe organise something you want to do with your children ❤️

I suppose I am just really taken aback that I have spent my whole life not knowing what a good relationship looks like. But the really significant thing, is that I did not realise that I did not know what a good relationship looks like.

I do instruct the children to draw me a card. But I should not have to.

Does he do anything at all to show love, care and appreciation?

My ex husband was.like this, OP.

Everything we did was a bit rubbish unless I organised absolutely everything, because he did nothing. I even organised my own 40th birthday celebrations because he said he wouldn't know what to do that I'd want.

Over ten years of our relationship I'd brought it up now and then that I was fed up doing everything, and that it would be great if he could do stuff too. Got lots of words in return but he never physically did anything at all.

Anyway, for our eighth wedding anniversary I organised a fantastic holiday for us. I did everything, and I organised every day with a combination of walks, trips to places we'd enjoy and chilling out time. And it was the most perfect holiday. He thought so too. I also gave him lots of opportunities to organise things for and during the holiday. He did nothing.

What he didn't know was the holiday was the final thing I was ever going to organise if he didn't contribute. No ultimatums, no threats, just lots of opportunities presented to him to be a part of our supposed team.

Six months after we returned home I started divorce proceedings.

Carrying the load for everything is only acceptable in my opinion if you're on your own, so I got rid of the deadweight.

ahem whydomsnyoeafblowers boys can draw cards too!

well it’s time to make some big changes ? Can you suggest marriage counselling and address these issues, if he changed would you want to stay married or are there other issues too?

love language changes after kids and its less bedroom gymnastics and more “ I found that weird chocolate you like in the second shop I went into “ I remembered to post your letter for you and I’ve filled in the form for school and sent it in , ive paid the milk man and fixed that drawer , the pizzas in the oven …

The lowest you accept you come to expect.

Ask him to make this Mother’s Day special. Be specific about what you’d like him to arrange for you. Ask him nicely. Make your expectations known. If he still does nothing then absolutely LTB.

You need to ask him. Maybe he just doesn't realise or understand what your needs and wants are. You should explain that you need him to show his love for you more overtly. Things such as organising a mother's day gift etc. He may just think you are totally happy with his input as you have not communicated otherwise.

I was really upset that my DH did NOTHING for my first mothers day. It had taken us a while to get pregnant and I was an exhausted but happy new Mum. Mothers Day comes around and NOTHING. I cried and asked why he thought I didn't deserve anything. He just said it hadn't crossed his mind because he never celebrated Mothers Day in his family. I told him what I expected (a LOT!) and the following year was very different and he enjoyed making a fuss. And I enjoyed it immensely and sixteen years later I still get a lot of fuss.

So my advice to you would be to is to be very clear about what you would like to happen next week. Breakfast in bed, a bunch of daffs, some cards maybe. Let's assume he is just clueless not a bad guy. See what happens and then judge.

Was just about to ask this. I have just commented on another thread but I am the chief present buyer / holiday planner / days out organiser in our household so 99% of stuff I sort. I am a control freak so it just works best this way😂

HOWEVER, DH is the one who sorts all household and car stuff, all the driving around, pretty much all cooking.... If ever anything goes wrong in the house I don't have to worry about it for a second as I know he'll sort it. He books my car in for a service, takes it for fuel, washes it etc without me ever asking. Just the other day he went and bought me some new trainers as he saw that mine were getting knackered and I need them for my hobby.

I see us as equal in terms of what we do for each other and recognise that we both have our strengths and he shows me he loves me all the time in his way, just as I do in mine.

If your DH does nothing at all for you ever then that's a huge issue.

To people saying ' You just need to talk to him'.

I have done this over and over for years. Clearly stated over and over what I need, why its important. Makes no difference. Doesn't matter if its a big thing or a small thing,.

Achieving even the tiniest practical change in him takes years (that is not hyperbolic exaggeration btw) of exhausting effort ( or nagging as he likes to call it) from me.

I think the exhaustion of trying to achieve these specific changes has taken my eye of the bigger issues, such as those I outlined above.

Carrying the load for everything is only acceptable in my opinion if you're on your own, so I got rid of the deadweight.

And that should be the mantra of every relationship

Just the other day he went and bought me some new trainers as he saw that mine were getting knackered and I need them for my hobby
Oh my God this would NEVER happen! Nothing like this EVER happens.

If ever anything goes wrong in the house I don't have to worry about it for a second as I know he'll sort it
No. I will have to 'nag' and 'nag' and finally lose my absolute shit before he did anything about it.

I genuinely can't think of anything.

He used to tell me all the how much he loved and adored me, and he looked at me with love and adoration. So I believed him. But when I look back on it, even in those happy years, he never actually did anything which showed actions of care or appreciation. Somehow, I never picked up on this.

could he be ASD? Some people just don’t get it. That’s what I think from my husband now. But guess what - what’s goes around comes around. So your partner doesn’t care about cerebrating Mother’s Day - guess what I don’t care about Father’s Day! Not the correct way to be but eh ho.

(also, sorry yes boys can draw cards)

This isn't a partnership OP, it's you providing a complete support system for your DH and he does nothing in return.

That isn't a partnership.

Right in that case get rid.

@peopletoo - why are you with this man? He appears to bring nothing to your life, or your relationship. However, if you cannot / do not want to leave, for whatever reason, definitely start taking a step back. Father's Day - forget about it. Any family on his side - stop sending presents / cards / messages on their special days. Do you buy each other Christmas (assuming you follow this) and birthday gifts? If you do, and he doesn't, stop buying his. Put aside all the money you save and do something nice for yourself (whilst he looks after the children) next Mother's Day. Spa day is calling....

No its not a partnership. Not at all.

@peopletoo so what are you going to do about it? You’ve tried communicating. You’ve exhausted that option.

Are you staying and accepting this level of ‘partnership’? How do you picture it when kids leave home? When you both retire?

what will the next 30 years look like in quality of life and happiness for you.

Please don’t stay ‘for the children’. Your happiness is important too.

I'm sorry it's like this for you. It's not something you have to endure though. You can leave the marriage and seek fulfilment on your own or maybe in time, with someone else. Are you at the stage of considering this next step?

Get rid. Life’s too short.

My ex H told me he loved me all the time. It took years before it clicked that he never showed me he loved me, and words are easy.