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Original poster

Proposal resentment

53 replies

Definitelymaybenoyes · 26/03/2025 09:04

Together 3 years, known eachother well for almost 7.

1 child from a previous relationship, 1 child together.

Neither of us have been married before.

F(29) M(41).

Is it time? Am I kidding myself? Is he dangling a carrot that isn't ever going to fall?

We have spoken about my feelings surrounding marriage multiple times over the last year.

OP posts:
Mycatisanevilgenius · 26/03/2025 11:21

I think a lot of women want marriage more than men do because of society still does treat women with more respect when they are married sadly

women get asked by others so when is he gonna make you a respectable woman then ? (I know rude, but happens)

and if you hear of a long term couple splitting up, after a long time, that were married there will always be comments like well he obviously wasn’t sure about her…..
when who’s to say it was his decision ?

it’s kinda assumed, if they are not married it’s because he doesn’t want to

in your situation you’ve given away too much before getting that legal commitment so your a bit screwed now

so you’re either got to propose
and kinda make an ultimatum really

or work towards a brighter future without him

TomatoSandwiches · 26/03/2025 11:23

He doesn't want to marry you, he isn't going to propose, he isn't going to organise a quick registry office job either.
He's getting all the benefits from a relationship with you already, you can stay and resent him or leave and find someone that doesn't want to marry you.

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 26/03/2025 11:25

He doesn't want to marry you girl, sorry

Ltb x

MarkingBad · 26/03/2025 11:34

Sadly OP I agree with the other posters in that he probably doesn't want to marry. He's got what he wants in his eyes he doesn't need to do anything further.

It depends on whether this is a deal-breaker for you or not, it's a horrible position for you to be in.

Purplecatshopaholic · 26/03/2025 11:40

He doesn’t want to marry you op. He’s got the life he wants without being married. You need to decide if you are going to put up with it or not, he won’t change.

alwaysdeleteyourcookies · 26/03/2025 11:44

Definitelymaybenoyes · 26/03/2025 09:16

We've had many. He says he will marry me, but doesn't want to get married. It's very confusing. If we argue he sometimes will say "I'm never going to marry you".

Show quote history

You should listen to him. He's telling you in several ways, including through inaction. He has a setup he likes. Now you decide if that's enough for you and act accordingly, meaning you might have to leave.

Naunet · 26/03/2025 12:04

The time to get married was before having a child, now he holds all the cards. You need to accept he won't marry you and then decide what you want to do.

whatapalarva · 26/03/2025 12:05

Life is too short to stay with someone who doesn't want to get married when having a child together is a bigger commitment imo. You deserve to be with someone who wants to make you happy and shares the same values. I loved being married and felt (some would say naively) that it was the most secure I ever felt and wasn't just a piece of paper. Hold on to your values but ask yourself, do you want to marry him, or just have that secure feeling with someone who loves you enough to want to get married?

MakingPlans2025 · 26/03/2025 12:06

Believe him when he shows you who he is

PrettyDetails · 26/03/2025 12:18

Do you have a plan in mind if he doesn't marry you within a limited time frame?

You might feel better if you have a Plan B. But I certainly wouldn't bring it up again-it's starting to look like begging and no woman should ever beg a man to marry her.

Start doing things in your own life: build a social life without him; read more books; go to the cinema or theatre on your own; learn something practical like Cordon Bleu cooking, cake making, dress making, driving or playing a musical instrument; if you have time volunteer somewhere; have beautiful nails or hair or skin; read a newspaper every day.

These are random suggestions but the point is to make yourself a life even while you are still with him.

It may make you more valuable, more sought after in his eyes but that won't be why you are doing it- you're doing it so that you put a higher value on yourself, so that he will become less significant, maybe less sought after in your eyes.

It will give you confidence and belief in yourself and maybe if he ever does propose, you can think seriously about whether a glowing, high quality woman like yourself should tie yourself to a low quality person.

Bananalanacake · 26/03/2025 12:18

Go on your local council website and look at prices for register office ceremonies, (weekdays are cheaper than weekends). Call him over to have a look and ask what sort of date/timing would he prefer. As you say you have talked about it so it won't be a complete surprise. His reaction will tell you everything. Make it clear you are not wanting to waste thousands on pointless faff impressing people you don't see that much, if his main worry is the money he should be ok with this, if he doesn't want to be married at all he should tell you.

BunnyRuddington · 26/03/2025 12:43

I think you have two issues. One is that he is proposing and the other is that he’s being incredibly mean to you about it.

Personally I wouldn’t want to spend the rest of my life who said such cruel things to me.

I think you need to examine why it is that you want to be married to him. Is it that he’s the absolute love of your life? From what you’ve said he not only isn’t taking your wishes into consideration but he’s using them as a tool with which to play on your insecurities.

Alternatively, could it be that you what the security that a marriage brings?

Honestly if it’s either I think you’d be better off without him.

GreenFields07 · 26/03/2025 13:19

Marriage was a non negotiable for me. I wouldnt have stayed in a relationship with someone knowing they didnt want to get married, even if they eventually proposed I would know deep down its to keep me happy and not what they truly want. They'll end up resenting being forced into a decision they didnt want to make. You have two options OP, stay and accept that he wont marry you, or leave and find someone who wants to. You cant force him to marry you.

Poonu · 26/03/2025 13:21

OP, I mean he's literally said "I'm not marrying you".
He's not messing you around, he's told you no. Why do you think he will change his mind?

TinyFlamingo · 26/03/2025 13:22

I think many woman fall in to the patterns of doing things out of order, deminishing what they want.

Also sometimes the obsession of marriage, and that need doesn't actually take on board marriage to the person, or marriage with that person. People don't change after marriage wanting it despite the person being unkind, non committal etc. that's so important to think about before you push for it.

But you can propose to him/sort a a date and see how he responds. If that what you want make it happen! Buy a ring and gift it to yourself even.

Isthiswhatmenthink · 26/03/2025 13:26

Don’t waste your time on this old, lying, cruel twat. You’re only 29.

Endofyear · 26/03/2025 13:29

Time for a serious conversation about his commitment to you - either he wants to marry or not, you need to know once and for all so you can make your own decision - will you settle for not being married if it's something you really want?

Mamabear487 · 26/03/2025 13:31

We were together 7 years before he proposed. 2 kids and a house. Will be 10 years together when we actually get married in September 😂

Starlight1984 · 26/03/2025 13:37

TinyFlamingo · 26/03/2025 13:22

I think many woman fall in to the patterns of doing things out of order, deminishing what they want.

Also sometimes the obsession of marriage, and that need doesn't actually take on board marriage to the person, or marriage with that person. People don't change after marriage wanting it despite the person being unkind, non committal etc. that's so important to think about before you push for it.

But you can propose to him/sort a a date and see how he responds. If that what you want make it happen! Buy a ring and gift it to yourself even.

Buy a ring and gift it to yourself even.

You're not being serious? Come on 😂

friendlycat · 26/03/2025 13:48

He’s telling you quite clearly he doesn’t want to marry you. I would listen.

blueIKEAbag · 26/03/2025 13:50

Honestly this really simple.

”Look Dave, I’d really like to get married, to you, and share our lives together. I’d like to do that in the next year or two. Are you in?’.

If he says yes, you’re engaged! go book whatever wedding you both want.

If he says no, or more likely, that he’s not sure or that he fobs you off, then you’ll know where you stand. Think now about what you ideally would do in that situation and remember it.

I’d gladly gamble away a romantic proposal to know where I truly stand, and I could never have managed this long, with a house and DC under my belt, whilst not knowing!

BunnyRuddington · 26/03/2025 18:14

Hope you’ve had some time to reflect and see who he is. He’s telling you clearly enough Flowers

Meadowfinch · 26/03/2025 18:33

Stop kidding yourself. If he wanted to marry you, he would have married you. He hasn't.

He knows if he marries you, you will be entitled to half his assets. Why would he do that.

As long as you hang around, he gets sex on tap, a free house keeper and has no commitment and no liability. You're being had OP.

2024onwardsandup · 26/03/2025 18:35

What are the finances like? Do you do his washing and cook his dinner?

BellissimoGecko · 26/03/2025 19:03

Definitelymaybenoyes · 26/03/2025 09:16

We've had many. He says he will marry me, but doesn't want to get married. It's very confusing. If we argue he sometimes will say "I'm never going to marry you".

Show quote history

That’s really horrible, and suggests that he knows you want to get married and are waiting for him to propose.

That would put me totally off him.