Husband moaning that he’s not happy with our life

[Hmmm866]

Husband out of the blue said today that he’s unhappy with our life. Said it’s the same thing day in/day out and he’s fed up. He says our weekends are always the same (filled with children’s activities), we don’t get the chance to go out together (without kids) as no family offer to have the children. Then he said he’s not surprised couples break up when they get like this in a relationship.

Does this sound like he’s thinking about ending things? I can’t help but feel like he is.

Yes, it sounds like he might be. Men seem to think that children really aren't their responsibility and they can just opt out. Tell him you will offer to be the one to go, to save him the heartache of missing his kids!

Ask him why he hasn't found and booked a babysitter then. It's not hard to do

Exactly. He can book a sitter so you can go out for dinner once a week or whatever

Moaning and doing nothing about it. Hoping you'll get the fear and take action.

Just ask him what he's going to do about it.

So glad I'm not married anymore.

I'm sorry OP, but complaining and moaning maybe him trying to prepare you. Or he's looking to pick fights - that he then blames you for.

If you want to stay with him ask him what you should both do differently and what is he going to organise. Try and make it constructive to see if he responds and books something or not. That might give you a clearer idea of what he's thinking.

Is he just having a moan though? Dh and I sometimes say our Iives are boring - we’ve been married 15 years and have two dc now aged 13 and 22 (my dd from a previous marriage) and we have no family at all except each other, Ds has autism and so especially when he was younger it was very much Groundhog Day. We didn’t have a night out / date together until Ds was about 7/8 and could be left with dd for a bit! But it didn’t really bother us, we weren’t going anywhere and know long term it’s just a stage really. What does your dh want to do about it?

Yes I’m sorry op it does sound like it.

Ive been married ten years and for sure we’ve had the drudgery of kids and Groundhog Day. It is hard, it is draining and the spark burns out and some resentment builds up.

But.

We talk. We communicate. We’ve got no family support either so we found a babysitter. We get snippy with each other and we say - we haven’t had any time/we’ve been working too hard/lets reset etc. A dinner out or weekend away or lay in together works wonders. But we both want it.

sounds like he’s totally checking out and lining you up to be the fall guy for his disinterest. Look out for signs of someone else massaging his ego.

Could you make an effort even without a baby sitter? Maybe have a date night a couple of times a month once kids are in bed? Nothing fancy just maybe a nice dinner some wine and light a candle without any phones. What is your sex life like? Has it dried up too?

he’s maybe not articulated himself well but it’s positive that he’s being open and at least telling you that he feels there’s a problem or a wedge coming between you. Whilst much of that may not be avoidable as life with young kids is hard, at least he isn’t burying his head in the sand until it’s too late and then he does check out.

I don’t think it sounds like he wants to end things. It sounds like he is feeling ground down by the daily grind.

I agree with Pp that it would be more helpful if he took action. But being honest about feelings is a part of intimacy.

Tell him to organise a babysitter and plan a night out and let you know when and where and what to wear.

It’s called communication and it should be taken as a positive that he is telling you how he feels.
Do you agree with him that some changes would be good? If so, then can you work together to make life better for you both?

It’s not necessary for a babysitter to share DNA with the kids. If you have no time as a couple at all, I’m surprised you don’t feel the same as your partner does tbh. The question is, what the two of you do about it now. It’s definitely salvageable.

It sounds like this could be an opportunity for change. But he needs to help out with that, by suggesting and inplementing ideas to make things better and more interesting. It’s not ok to moan about how things are boring without being proactive in improving them.

The only way to find out is to communicate. If you go back to him with “I’ve been thinking about what you said and you’re right that we’re in a bit of a rut. It would be lovely to get more time for ourselves and reconnect. Why don’t you look into finding a babysitter so we can go out for the occasional date?” what does he say?

If you show you’re willing to work with him to improve things, he’ll ideally show some pleasure that you’re on the same page. And if he doesn’t… well, that’s also an answer of sorts. As for family offering to have the kids, it may be that you have to actively ask them to have the kids for a weekend if that’s what you want. For all that he’s complaining, he does sound a bit passive.

Moaning life is a bit boring - kind of normal sometimes (though I wonder what effort he’s made to do more interesting things as a couple or a family)

Laying the groundwork for leaving - which is what he’s doing here - not normal. Could he have met someone else?

Ask him! He's probably just bored and moaning hoping you'll sort his life out for him

Would you rather he just sat there feeling unhappy while saying nothing?

When people come on Mumsnet saying that they’re unhappy in their marriage or life, they invariably get told to talk to their partner to try to change things. Your husband has done that. If that was my partner, I think I’d be inclined to talk to him about how we could make some changes and what he thought we could do differently.

Is there a reason you won’t use a babysitter? Are there ways you could reconnect a bit at home after the kids are in bed - movie night and a takeaway with a bottle of wine or something? A board game or video game you could play together?

He needs to grow up a bit and recognise that is the reality of the early years of parenting. You get more freedom as they get older and more independent. But as PPs have said, it’s worth getting in a babysitter from time to time so you and he can have some couple time.

Either he always has a rictus grin or he's miserable and you haven't noticed. It sounds like you're taking each other for granted and have stopped communicating.

Instead of demanding he does something about it, perhaps you could both organise a time to have a chat and check in with each other. Try and work something out.