Dilemma with friend and her sister

[NicolaDeLaHaye]

I'm fairly friendly with the sister of one of my closest friends though I don't see her often. She works with another mutual friend whose house I've been to tonight. This mutual friend said what awful news it is about Mandy and when I looked bemused she said "you don't know do you?"

Mandy, my friend's sister, has been diagnosed with breast cancer and told work colleagues and has taken time off work.

I'm in a dilemma because I'm devastated, the friend who told me thinks she's spoken out of turn and feels terrible and I know before Mandy's told her sister and mum.

Do I just act dumb when I'm told? It's a horrible situation.

Mandy, my friend's sister, has been diagnosed with breast cancer and told work colleagues and has taken time off work.

I'm in a dilemma because I'm devastated, the friend who told me thinks she's spoken out of turn and feels terrible and I know before Mandy's told her sister and mum.

I think that's on the sister, if she's told work colleagues before her family. She may have had her reasons but it still seems odd. How do you know she hasn't told her mum and your friend?

I've seen them or spoken to them every day since Friday. She told work before that.

But that would just mean they haven't told you, not that she hasn't told them.

Possibly. Their behaviour wouldn't say so but it's possible I guess.

It sounds like your friend and her Mum just hasn't told you. It's not their news to give out, they may just be keeping it within the family and Mandy has spoken to a few of her friends about it.

I'd just play dumb about it until someone in the family tells you directly. If they realise you already know you can just say "Yes I had heard but didn't feel I should mention it until you felt comfortable telling me"

Just pretend the mutual friend said nothing. It’s up to the woman with cancer herself to decide who she tells and when, and those people to decide who they tell. I didn’t tell my siblings or parents when I was having exploratory surgery after an unclear biopsy.

I'd probably tell work first too. My sis and mum are very gossipy so I rarely tell them anything I don't want spread around the neighbourhood in a matter of hours. And I'd need to tell work as I'd be in practical mode getting my diary and work in order ready for time off.

I'd send a small message if support, say you've heard on the grapevine and are thinking of her, and that you will be keeping the news to yourself as aware it's not your place to share it.

With a cancer diagnosis it’s sometimes hard to remember who you have and haven’t told, perhaps it’s that?

I would text the sister saying you’re sorry to hear the news and offer your help if she needs anything

Just wait until someone brings it up. Honestly, it’s not something you would just tell everyone, like an engagement or a pregnancy announcement.

I was diagnosed with cancer in August. There are some friends I still haven’t told. I mean they might know, from other people. Obviously my closest friends know and I just sort of assume people will gossip and tell others. But other than on social media, where I’m pretty open about it (the surgeries are obvious ones), I’m not sure I’ve actually face to face told anyone really. It’s a real downer for people when you just blurt it out in conversation. 😂 But it takes time for news to make its way around and her mum and sister will still be processing it all.

Also realistically, there may not be much to share yet. Definitely when I got diagnosed, it took a month to know exactly what sort of cancer we were dealing with, like it isn’t just breast or lung or skin cancer. There are different types of breast cancer, for example. With very different treatment approaches and different prognoses.

And then they have to stage it (how big it is/how far it’s spread). It took maybe another 2 weeks for a further biopsy and scan results, for me to know for sure it had spread to a lymph node, but not to my brain or liver or anywhere else more serious. A very ‘good’ breast cancer is one they can just remove and maybe a short spell of preventative treatment, if any. A much ‘worse’ one has spread far and wide to other organs. And there is a lot in between. I didn’t really share much about my cancer until I knew where it had spread and what we were going to do about it. She’s probably doing the same (but obviously had to tell work because it’s work).

Anyway, just wait for them to all get their heads around the news and be ready to talk when the shock wears off. Definitely don’t say sorry to hear about your sister! She’s not dead. Most cancer is very treatable and I know I didn’t like being treated like a walking ticking time bomb. 😂 Most people want to just feel normal and get on with life as best they can.