Asking husband to help in the morning?

[Shatteredmum88]

Am I being unreasonable to ask my husband to basicially take over doing the start of the morning with the kids?

bit of background is that I’m currently on maternity with my 10month old, changing my career to becoming a childminder as my husbands work is not flexible at all and will never be able to do any pick up and drop off or any taking time for kids being sick.
I am trying to do all the courses and get the house ready for this but struggling as I’m doing the school run for my 4 year old as well and doing the usual cooking and laundry etc.

my husband only ever does the bins, waters his plants and likes to wipe the kitchen sides down.
over the years I’ve asked for more and more help and he does for a week or two and then it goes down the pan.

im so fed up being angry about it. Im more of a morning person and wanted to move to getting up early to workout and prep that nights dinner and do some of my course. Poss leaving him to get the kids up and fed and dressed and I come in when he can go for a shower etc . We are sleeping in seperate rooms ( another story but snoring etc) so we take turns swapping the monitors either kid.
am I being unreasonable to ask for this time in the morning?

please be honest and thanks in advance xxx

Does he work? If so what hours? It's perfectly fair for you to divide childcare and home tasks equally. But he sounds like he's not pulling his weight. How do you communicate usually and what led you to choose to have kids with him twice?

Divide up jobs according to how much free time you each have, not how much you earn.

@WallaceinAnderland how do you split jobs according to free time?

If anything in my 26 years of marriage has taught me it's the necessity of treating my husband like I would treat a good friend.

You won't say to a good friend "I want ". You would probably say something along the lines "What are your thoughts?".

You relationship at the moment sounds like an employer and employee. Whenever I fall into this pattern my husband absolutely hates it. Then it becomes very difficult to get anything out of him at all.

Appealing to my husband's good nature works sometimes.

Most men are quite lazy. Dropping some of your standards might be an idea to consider.

I don't know if of any use to you. However this is the only advice I have got

I've heard the Fair Play card deck is good for this sort of thing.

https://www.fairplaylife.com/the-cards

Yes he does work, office sort of hours. WFH mon and Fri and in the office the other weekdays. Out the door at 8.15 and back around 7.30.
communication isn’t great. I used to bottle everything and lose it but have tried opening up before it gets to that point.
ive asked him a number of times to help more as I just can’t do it all.
im not over precious, not a major clean freak and perfectionist as I can’t really. I don’t have the time to be.
having a baby around me all day, rushing for drop off and pick up. Making baby lunch and endless snacks, washing, dishwasher and trying to get the dinner on. I’m barely keeping up with laundry let alone other house work.

we don’t really split jobs. I just do the washing and all the food and try and do the other bits as it comes up. Which is all the time but I can’t do lots of the rest . So really he only pulls his finger out when we have people coming and cleans then.

I have dropped my standards lol
he was away with work for a week a few weeks ago and the house was running like clockwork.
but when he’s back I get a bit lazy! 😕 I’m hoping instead of me rushing around like a crazy person that it can be split down the middle and then realise he’s just not doing anything . So I think fuck it. Let it pile up! And I hate it.

he used to just get up on the days he went into the office and shower, get himself ready and leave me with the toddler to get to nursery and then myself into the office. My work were being funny about me always doing to drop off so I was so anxious about being late and was on meds fir it.
I’ve come off them. I’ve since told him that I need help and it comes and goes. I’m so tired of having to have the same conversation.
thags why I thought if I get that time in the morning then mentally I’ve got myself some time. And I can concentrate on dinner and washing before the school run. Can clean in the day whilst the baby sleeps.

Agree with him how to split the jobs more fairly, put everything on a clear task list and hang it up on the wall. Continously refer to it throughout the day, and daily, until it all becomes second nature. Be prepared to be a broken record. Although it seems some men do not want fairness and equality, then you have other long term plans to make.

If you work outside of the home you have a certain amount of hours committed to that work, including the commute. The rest of the time is 'free' for other responsibilities such as childcare, housework, life admin and rest time.

So they should both work together to calculate roughly the same amount of rest time. This creates balance and harmony in a relationship.

OP should not be asking for 'help'. This should be a partnership.

Honestly I think you’re being a bit unreasonable.
He works almost 11 hours a day and you’re on maternity leave. I was a single parent for a long time with 3 DC and a job, I managed to keep the house in order, work and look after my DC.

Yes I have done it all as a single parent of Four BUT because I had to not because a PARTNER was a lazy, twit.
It is not a competition, and basically you know as well as everyone else looking after a baby is tiring and not always compatible with getting a lot else done.

I can honestly say I’ve never found having a baby hard nor has if made it hard to get things done

Then your experience has been really out of the ordinary and it's very unreasonable to judge other people by your experience.

Can you throw money at it until you've finished your courses?
Focus on the essentials for the time being: laundry, food, shopping, keep the place hygienic
Any childcare available so you get a few hours?
Declutter mercilessly and hire someone to do a deep clean every few weeks
Can your husband do the online shopping? Doesn't take long on a phone
Take it in turns to cook

I think what is getting you down is unfairness, not the workload. This is understandable.

Unfortunately, most men just have no clue about how much work is involved in running the household.

I would say, based on your posts, unless things change and fast, you are heading for divorce.

You need to improve the communication ASAP, imo.

Would you and your husband consider marriage counselling?

If it's too expensive/not agreeable, then I would recommend an excellent book Why Women Talk and Men Walk or How to Improve Your Relationship without Talking about It.

I hope it helps

Honestly the getting dressed for work and just walking out of the house at 8.15am just pisses me off. Literally no help or f’S given to me or little one or the dog or the house, feel drained before I even get to work. Even on days he works from home he doesn’t shower till I go on the school run, even just doing one school run a week would help. So yes I feel your pain, if I was a single mum it would probably much easier and less frustrating as I would just do it and we would have a much better routine.

Perhaps if you called it "being a partner" or "doing your share of parenting" instead of "helping" he would realise that he's taking the piss.

I think you need marriage counseling.
The snoring party also needs to address that.

When you get your childminding business set up, you can divide the non business hours equally, and assign regular chores thst will take up roughly equal time. You can practice immediately.

As an aside - how will childminding work if he is in the home office two days a week? Will he be background checked? How many bathrooms do you have?