Friendship

[Umbongoberyl]

I’m struggling with a friendship at the moment. I feel angry but trying to keep perspective - I don’t want to lose such a long term friendship but I just feel like a doormat. I also appreciate that friendships wax & wane, I’m not entitled to anyone’s time etc.

I have been friends with this person for 20+ years and have tolerated a level of flakiness in this time. I even broached them about this previously.

She is an incredibly busy person, very expressive, genuinely tells me she loves & misses me and when I bump into her is full of ideas & plans. When we do meet up, we laugh a lot. So naturally I think the friendship is still a goer.

This year, I have booked & paid for a ticket for a hobby - this was cancelled last minute with no offer of paying. Multiple texts to follow up on other suggested plans have remained unanswered.

It is frustrating as I see that she is meeting with other people - photos on social media. I also know she has a couple of guys that she texts daily and gets excited about this.

i just feel angry that she leads me on a bit and then can’t even find 30 seconds to reply that she’s too busy at the moment. It just makes me feel lonely & shit.

If I call her out on it again, it could risk isolation from the wider friendship group & be considered ‘needy’. I don’t want to be passive aggressive mad either. Urghh.

I’m trying my best to widen my social circle and feel less impacted by this.

Two separate issues here. The first is if you have paid for something for you both, and she cancels, and doesn’t pay her way, that’s not on. A good friend would not do that.
The other issue is that friendship is not working. She might be great company, but that’s it. Sending her multiple messages, seeing what she’s doing on socials and being angry she’s with other people, is very, very unhealthy. She may be flaky, but she’s also entitled to her own life and to do what she wants in her own time.
Your last sentence is actually your answer to your dilemma.
I have learned as I have got older that nobody owes you anything. A friend you hardly know might show up during a crisis, and one you’ve known for years might run a mile.
However, you do sound isolated and it’s a horrible feeling. You are a worthy person and deserve to be treated well. It’s time to think about your own life and interests - find something to get excited about yourself.
If you find and interest/hobby you like, you already have something in common with people.
Leave Flaky Fiona to be who she is. She’s not going to change.
But you can and it will change your world.

You know the answer, you've said it yourself: You need other friends.
Really, you're not so important to her - she's using you to fill in gaps in her own life, she's taking for granted that you'll be there when she needs a friend but that you'll be fine being ignored when she's got other offers.
It hurts - I'm in a similar situation and it's difficult to turn your back when the times together are so easy and comfortable. But for your own sanity you've got to accept that you don't matter that much, and you've got to stop her being important to you.

Good morning, thank-you for your considered responses - I agree on the majority of points & will be acting on them.

i would argue that emotions are healthy if they precipitate change and you aren’t dwelling in that feeling.

Or she has lots of other friends, and simply isn’t as dependent on this specific friendship as the OP is? It’s possible she’s flaky with everyone, as the OP only sees on SM photos of the outings that do actually occur — there may be lots that don’t happen.

And surely no one thinks the friend should be prioritising seeing the OP if she doesn’t want to, and presumably she doesn’t, purely because they’ve known one another for a long time? Friendships wax and wane. OP, you’ve said yourself what you should do. Make some new friends. This one may come back in all its strength or it may not. No need for melodramatic endings. And obviously, don’t book anything you have to pay for. Did you ask her for money for the ticket when she cancelled?

I’m not expecting to be prioritised, I have other friends and a life. I am quite happy to let the friendship drift.

I am struggling with the different communication styles, the reel in & ignore. I would never ignore messages from a friend.

But agreed I am not a victim, I just need to take action & change how I react to the circumstance.

life isn’t as clear cut as when written out here & I can still have feelings about this life shift. It’s a long term friendship & it’s ok to grieve a little, right?

Sounds like you know what you've got to do, it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt tho

Good luck op, yousound loverly and considerate and you deserve the same

The the level of contact between friends has to be comfortable for both and mutually agreed, you can’t demand more attention if she’s not able or sit suited to giving that to you.

Do be careful, because you are almost sounding like a jilted lover.
Do not confuse the boundaries and keep it casual. Do not pressure her, give her room to step into, she will come to you if she still likes you as she did before.

Word of advise, if this sort of casual arrangement is too painful for you and will cause you to become resentful, simply walk away and find other who want the same level of contact as you.

Have an open discussion with her so you are not left wondering.
Take action, do not be passive, it will make you feel better.

If she says to you she does not want to increase the level of contact, how will that make you ou feel?

Have an open discussion with her so you are not left wondering.

Take action, do not be passive, it will make you feel better.

If she says to you she does not want to increase the level of contact, how will that make you ou feel?

Definitely don't do this. It's way too heavy and it's unlikely that you will gain any clarity. As you've said, calling her out on it again is not a good idea. She is not about to change. Acceptance and widening your circle is the way forward.

I have not stated at any point that I am demanding her time, I am not entitled to this and am certainly not a jilted lover - that’s a weird statement, possibly projection?

My issue was basic communication, the basic respect I hold for myself in terms of what I am happy with & my internal dialogue. I have not behaved in any way inappropriately based on my fleeting emotions about the situation. Emotions being a natural part of life.

I wrote this thread to write it down & get some independent thoughts - thank-you. I am off to put a plan in action, my emotions have balanced & I need no further advice.

Keep it surface level. Be friendly and polite but don’t make any arrangements that cost you money.

Hi I get this. I have a friend I've known for 36 years who reels me in and tells me I'm her best friend and then barely wants to meet up in person. When I do see her very occasionally she's fitting me in very briefly between other commitments and rushes off. . She messages me daily and it feels that all I get is a newsflash of how much she's enjoying social activities (without me) and her accomplishments. It's very confusing . I've told her in the past how sad I feel about barely seeing me and she organised a lovely event for us but then she went back to her normal pattern. I've also I've tried pulling away but she got very upset. I have other friends but I have mainly got more self reliant to cope. I agree mixed messages are confusing and play with ones emotions

I have/had? a friend like this. Known her since school. Always was happy to meet up if I invited her, never initiated. At the end of a meet up she said she’d see me soon and I called her out saying only if I called her - she was taken aback and didn’t hear from her for 10 years! Circumstances got us back together again socially and altho she was better at initiating contact and pretending to arrange meet ups, it would always follow cycle -
-Let’s meet up! Let me know when you’re free!
-Great, I’m free at such and such, how about you?

Then nothing for a couple of months. Then she’d start the cycle again. Was so bizarre.

I used to send her xmas cards and bday messages, nothing back, but when I stopped I’d always get anxious messages asking if everything was alright. So I’d start up again, and still nothing. Same with texts - she could take weeks/months to reply, but if I left it more than 24hrs to reply to her - more messages asking if I was alright etc.

Her excuses were always that she was terrible at replying (is that an excuse?) Or that she was busy with work, or kids had been playing with her phone etc. I tolerated this for years, supported her through divorce, then she let slip (similar to OP) that she was annoyed when a bloke she was interested in hadn’t replied straight away and that they messaged multiple times a day. So, as was obvious, she was capable of texting back, she just couldn’t be arsed unless there was something in it for her, like the prospect of a new and exciting relationship etc. Wasted so much time trying to help her over the years, she knew she could rely on me for advice and support at the drop of ahat but in no way was it reciprocal.

I’ve since accepted she’s a massive user and not a very nice person and have distanced myself. We’ll exchange occasional messages a couple of times a year now but I keep it surface level and never bother committing to the pretence of meeting up anymore. She only ever saw and valued me as a ‘useful’ but not ‘important’ friend to her, that she wanted to keep in the bank in case she needed me. I don’t miss her and know she’s lost more than I have.

Is this seriously even a question OP? W clearly has some sort of increased risk for pregnancy and unless she is mega rich, the NHS have given her a date for induction, which they have available and will maximise the chances of having a healthy baby.

Anyone who expects W to say 'no thanks, can I potentially endanger my baby and wait a few days so I can attend a birthday event for a friend even though I'll be extremely pregnant and stressed, as otherwise she will get upset' has absolutely lost the plot. She should be ashamed of herself to be honest, even my primary school kids understand when someone can't attend their birthday party because of a prior commitment

Really sorry wrong thread!