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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Does he deserve one last chance?

46 replies

Callsaspadeaspade10 · 24/03/2025 21:39

My boyfriend is begging me to take him back. I ended it 8 weeks ago. We were together five years and have had our fair share of ups and downs. He’s a dickhead on drink. Not physical but can start arguments and be nasty. I got sick of it. He now says he will cut back on his drinking. He keeps telling me he loves me and I can’t bring myself to say it back. I feel he is jealous and controlling at times. I have a 21 year old daughter and I got sick of his resentment of me always putting her first. He now says he understands it and will alter this too. I think he can be lazy around his flat and smokes constantly in his flat around me which I hate. He says it’s his flat so he can smoke there if he likes. Thankfully, I don’t live with him. He has good points and has a good heart. I don’t want things to go back to the way they were even though we had some good times of course. I’m very reluctant. The reason I ended it was because we went round in circles time and again over the same issues. He thinks it can be resolved and forgotten about. He was nasty about my daughter on occasion to me and this has hurt me. He’s never said boo to her face. I don’t want the same old cycle. I need to decide and stick to my decision.

OP posts:
NCfirst · 24/03/2025 21:45

Sorry you’re going through this, thank goodness you dont live with him. Going through something similar with my separated husband and I just honestly think if they were going to change and things would be different they just would. My husband also blames drink, but it’s not an excuse for crappy dysfunctional behaviour. Try to stick with decision it’s hard I know but have to put yourself first. What do you actually get from relationship?

LollyLand · 24/03/2025 21:47

Stand strong and block all contact. Anyone being nasty to my child would be dead to me.

Ecotype · 24/03/2025 21:49

He’s not going to change. Move forward, not backwards. You are worth more than him.

TwistedWonder · 24/03/2025 21:50

No……..

Why would you entertain a man who was nasty to your daughter? Doesn’t matter she’s a young adult, no man treats your kids like shit and you let them get away with it.

gannett · 24/03/2025 21:51

Good god why are you even asking this question. Absolutely not.

Callsaspadeaspade10 · 24/03/2025 21:53

He was never nasty to her face but vented at me. It really has damaged my feelings.

OP posts:
Callsaspadeaspade10 · 24/03/2025 21:55

Wishing you good luck too. Thank you.

OP posts:
NimbleTiger · 24/03/2025 21:57

NO ! It's a rinse lather repeat situation. He won't change permanently only until he sucks you back in. You recognise you keep going in circles get off the ride and leave it in the past it will only get worse.

blacksax · 24/03/2025 21:58

No he doesn't deserve one last chance. He had endless chances over five years to get it right, and he fucked up every time.

He deserves nothing from you apart from utter contempt.

MakkaPakkasCave · 24/03/2025 21:59

Sweet Lord Jesus, what did I just read?!

Also, any man that has ever been described as having a “good heart” has been an absolute POS and a narcissist.

It’s always said in the context of “BUT he has a good heart…”.

Any man that genuinely has a good heart (and the actions to back it up) doesn’t need it said about him.

sorechalfonts · 24/03/2025 21:59

No

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 24/03/2025 21:59

I had one like this.
The relief when it was over was immense.

OP don't let this man back into your life. You and your daughter deserve better.

Dweetfidilove · 24/03/2025 22:00

If you have a 21 year old, you should seriously be at a point where you know this is a no.
Why are you entertaining a man who's been brazen enough to be nasty about your child? That screams a lack of respect for you, her mother, with a healthy dose of him knowing your boundaries are non-existent.
Forget the man and spend your time and energy working on why you're even considering this.

Starlightstarbright4 · 24/03/2025 22:03

After 5 years he has had plenty chances to work it out .

outerspacepotato · 24/03/2025 22:04

If she has kids he'll start in on them because he resents not being #1. I would never be with anyone who was nasty about my kids. Someone with a good heart doesn't resent your daughter because they take your care and attention away from him. He's mean and spiteful.

Has he gone to alcohol counseling or rehab for his drinking?

Has he gone to therapy for his resentment of your children?

Has he quit smoking?

Is he keeping his place neat and clean?

He flaps his yap and makes promises but what has he actually done to make changes? I'm betting nothing.

DorothyStorm · 24/03/2025 22:04

When he slagged off your child, why weren't you angry? Why arent you angry?

He has good points and has a good heart
funny that you’ve not identified one here

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 24/03/2025 22:05

What?! No, of course he doesn't deserve a second chance! He sounds awful. Good heart my arse. People show you their true character through how they behave. He's shown you his.

Jinglejanglejangle · 24/03/2025 22:07

No

CarrieOnComplaining · 24/03/2025 22:09

No.

”Will” sort his drinking, not “has” = “won’t “.

You don’t love him, you will never get his nastiness about your Dd out of your head, and he’s controlling and jealous. They never magically stop that,

Why on earth would you take him back?

Just block him.

Starfishfriend · 24/03/2025 22:11

No.

loves you but not enough to stop drinking, just ‘cut back’
to what? That’s very vague.
he’s been rude about your child and you can’t bring yourself to say you love him. Is that not enough reason to not get back with him?

BlondiePortz · 24/03/2025 22:11

For gods sake why would you? I know i should be all fluffy and nice but seriously no if you are genuinely thinking too then work on your self respect

This is to the point no I won't dress it up

tsmainsqueeze · 24/03/2025 22:11

Absolutely not .

Bananalanacake · 24/03/2025 22:13

Well done on not moving in with him, so much easier to get rid of when you realised he was a controlling twat.

BellissimoGecko · 24/03/2025 22:14

No.

TwistedWonder · 24/03/2025 22:15

MakkaPakkasCave · 24/03/2025 21:59

Sweet Lord Jesus, what did I just read?!

Also, any man that has ever been described as having a “good heart” has been an absolute POS and a narcissist.

It’s always said in the context of “BUT he has a good heart…”.

Any man that genuinely has a good heart (and the actions to back it up) doesn’t need it said about him.

Edited

It’s a common theme on MN. OP claims that the msn is sweet, kind, caring, a great father, when it’s good it’s good etc then post an entire list of reasons why he’s actually a nasty abusive POS cunt wotb more red flags than Putins birthday parade in Moscow