Fed up of arty f*ck boys! Is there any hope? Give me your stories!

[Overthinker89]

Not sure why i keep dating variations of the same man. Meet someone, we get on, connect physically and intimately then after a few weeks or months they fade then ghost. I have therapy once a week and have done for a year to work on myself, single parent a young child, put him first, date only when he is at his Dad's, work hard, have good friends and run/walk/read/do photography in my spare time so life is still full and enjoyable when i am not dating but god it's brutal and very hard to not take rejection personally. Did anyone else spend their 30s or 40s dating avoidant men like this then meet someone and form a healthy relationship? Give me hope. Also, well aware i can work on myself two as it's not anyone's fault per se but it does feel like a pattern whereby the men i go for seem super into it, i try and keep one foot on the ground at all times and them BAM as soon as i begin to trust the relationship enough like clockwork, they ghost?!

I don’t know if this will make you feel better or worse so apologies in advance.

I kept meeting and dating men who turned out to be avoidant and convinced myself it was me, and I must attract them, and needed therapy etc. I think that’s true for some people but what’s important to remember is that as you get older the proportion of the dating pool that’s avoidant goes up massively. 25% of the population is supposed to be avoidant and 50% secure but that is not mirrored in the dating pool once you’re over 30 because the secure people are already in relationships and the avoidants are constantly being recycled back into the dating scene! So the odds are very much stacked against you in that most of the men you meet will be avoidant.

I made a massive effort to meet someone when a relationship ended in my early 30s. I went on 30+ first dates(!!) and probably spoke to 300+ men on dating apps!! The vast majority of them were avoidant and luckily by that point I was identifying that and dismissing them very quickly. I did find my partner though. He’s very secure and wonderful so it all worked out. He is a bit younger than me and had been doing a phd which was why he was still available.

So good men are still out there but it’s a numbers game!

I agree with the above poster, it's a number game! I became single at 36, went on lots of dates, spoke to lots of men and met a great guy BUT he strung me along for over a year before I realised my worth and binned him.

Two months later, I met my partner. He had been on the app for a handful of days whereas I'd been on it for three years. He had been in a long term relationship but it had ended. He is similar age to me and I just think it was luck that I saw him, I'm sure he would have been swiped up by someone else pretty quickly.

Know your worth, have your own stuff going on but keep going.

What does you relaxing into a relationship look like?

There are a lot of Peter Pan
men out there!
Agree with poster one above - what do you think relaxing looks like?
And are you “relaxing” in this way as a sort of test, to see how they react? Could you be asking clearer questions up front about what they want out of dating?

How quickly are you moving through the meet, get on, date part of the cycle. I know you said a few weeks or months after you become intimate they ghost, and how many that you meet are you sacking off really early?

As others said its a numbers game and you need to be brutal at dismissing anyone who you think is a timewaster. You need to stop giving the benefit of the doubt or giving chances where your gut is telling you no.

If you aren't the one ever ending things, then you aren't being picky enough

My suggestion would be to date people who are completely different. No arty edgy ones! You need to break the mould.

I wasn’t dating in my 30s/40s, but from my teens/20s, I had a type, which my friend described as ‘bikers’ or ‘guitar players’ but more broadly, it was ‘tattooed assholes with a penchant for cheating.’

And then I took a job abroad and met Dh. He was so completely unlike anyone I dated before in personality, looks, lack of tattoos, hobbies, family background, etc. But where we worked there were frankly only so many English speaking expats, so the dating pool was very small! I would have laughed him out of the room if he’d attempted to chat me up at home because he was so unlike the sort of guy I would have dated. But somehow we started spending time together and the rest is history. It’s been 17 years now. He is still as lovely and dependable and kind as when we first met.

But if I hadn’t been forced out of my comfort zone, I cringe at what loser I would have ended up with.

Your type is not your type. Was your father similarly unavailable to you in childhood?.

Thanks all! Feeling the solidarity. A few people asked what does "relaxing into a relationship look like for me?" I just mean the point whereby you have been seeing them for over 3 -6 months. After about 6 months, if the dynamic felt right between us, I'd expect us to be exclusive and to of met some of eachother's friends, be seeing eachother 2-3 times a week. I'm eager to keep my own friends and hobbies/interests up as they're an important part of my identity. I live with my two year old son and would have to feel very secure in a relationship/know the person well before I considered introducing them. I'd have to be assured that the person was suitable to be in his life, even just as someone spending time around him. Re my own Father - he was available when I was small, although my Mum did most of the primary childcare as he was a photographer who often worked during the week. We did things together as a family and I know he looked after me when my Mum when back to work/retrained. However, my primary relationship was with my Mum and my Dad did absent himself emotionally entirely when I was around 14, 15 and fully when my Mum passed away. when I was 20 He didn't perform any sort of parental role and basically withdrew - didn't wish me happy birthday, didn't celebrate christmas' etc, no visiting me when my son was born, he was an alcoholic from when I was about 14. So maybe?I dunno. I go to therapy a lot and try and learn about attachment styles in those sessions. I have healthy friendships and commication and social skills have always been my strengths - self-esteem is lacking though! Anyway, feel weird talking about myself, sorry! Just wanted to answer some of the questions above. I'll stop waffling now. Yeah, just you know, feels rough to date then be ghosted, or the slow fade, it seems to fit a pattern of them being very keen initially then as soon as we share that we like eachother or have a discussion about exclusivity around 2-6 months in then they just opt out?Anyway, mostly intetested in other's experiences and stories of this.

I don’t think avoidant attachment is a bad thing necessarily it just means they are probably wary. My dp is avoidant I just had to be more patient in the beginning. Maybe you need to step away from arty types? Also attachment styles can change depending on the situation.

I'm trying dating this time around very differently to before. I'm clear with them on messages or date 1 that physical intimacy for me is off the table until I feel ready. No 3rd date sex expectation here. The ones who stick around after that are much more likely to go the distance I think - its only a theory at this stage lol.

I would suggest taking a step back from apps (if you are using them) and trying to meet someone through friends or hobbies etc. I gave up on dating apps long ago and have never looked back. I know it isn’t true for everyone, but in my experience the only men I encountered on apps were the men you’ve described OP.

Few more thoughts in case it's helpful.

I think we're always told that we must be 'attracting' avoidants, and that that we're anxious attachers / there's something wrong with us / we need therapy. I thought this for a long time and while we can always improve in ourselves and in relationships in hindsight I really do think my dating experiences were just a reflection of what the over 30s dating pool was. So I wouldn't drive yourself crazy wondering if its you / your dad wasn't present etc.

One of the things I encountered was that men (3 in a row!!) asked me to be exclusive with them after like 2 dates. Which at the time I took as a really good sign, they really liked me etc. but then 3-6 months later when I'd ask if it was a relationship they'd seem shocked that I ever thought it was heading in that direction! In hindsight I think they were actually just trying to eliminate any competition because they thought I was pleasant enough company / attractive to have regular sex with for a while. So when I started dating and found my DP he actually asked me to be exclusive a couple of times and I initially said no because I was adamant I wasn't closing the door on any other men who might come along until we were officially in a committed relationship. Realistically I wouldn't be sleeping with multiple men or anything like that but I decided I wasn't going to put all my eggs in one basket anymore until we were in a relationship and he'd proven himself.

Might sound like a counterintuitive approach but it worked out and helped me feel a lot more in control and that I wasn't risking more wasted time!

I think the first response nailed it. Over 40s men is a very different dating pool, more likely to come across the perennial bachelors or fomo men that avoided getting married or settling down in their 30s. I also don't think it's anything to do with being anxious attachment ourselves. I don't think there's a way that a secure or anxiously attached person can tell who is and isn't avoidant in the first month or so. The difference is that a secure person doesn't keep chasing intimacy from someone that clearly can't give it. Beyond that it's a numbers game, knowing what you want. And arty men do seem more prone to being flighty

The only thing I can think of is that you're going by looks and not vetting them well enough.

It sounds like these men are using you for sex. Either you've met a bunch of liars who are great actors, or you're not reading the situation.

Excellent point