Hello. I have been experiencing resentment in relation to adult sibling issues and in relation to my parents’ behaviour over the years. I am female, in my forties and I am aware it is eating me up and potentially ruining happy years with my own children as I am becoming bitter. The purpose of this thread is to ‘’get it out’’ and hopefully have some good perspectives to help me recover a little bit and to move on and enjoy my life.
A little bit about me. Fairly accomplished, qualified chartered accountant. 2 healthy lovely children. Married - marriage has had its ups and downs but he’s a good and kind man. Life generally revolves around my work and my children and husband. I probably don’t exercise nearly as much as I should. I work too long hours so I often feel that it takes away valuable time with my children or to exercise /cook/ be more present and to have more balance but overall balance is not terrible. I very much protect weekends as family time and we do see friends too on weekends occasionally. I have friends but not that many. Partly because I have prioritised my career and my children over the years. I am doing well with building my social circle through the school parents. I am proud of what I have achieved (not just from work but also proud of building my family unit).
Ok here we go.
I come from a Middle Eastern background where boys are generally treated with more importance/respect. Growing up, the girls were expected to clean up after meals (you get the picture) and whilst I was expected to study hard and do well at school and get a good job, I would say that there was an equal if not higher amount of pressure to meet somebody suitable for marriage and to have children.
My brother has got a substantial amount of financial support over the years from my parents and this is what has created resentment. As soon as he got married my parents helped him to buy a house and he has over the years joined the family business which is a very successful family business (extremely successful). He has worked hard at the family business and so it wouldn’t
Be right to say that everything has been
Handed to him but obviously he’s been given a big step up the ladder. I have had to work very hard for what I have. So many years of slog. I haven’t had any financial support. This upsets me. Life is expensive and hard and it would have been
Incredibly helpful to have had some help over the years. I bought a house many years ago with my DH in West London. I have always worked full time. I’m doing ok and am not
Struggling financially but it would be so nice to be able to slow down a little bit particularly given
How successful their family business is.
Separately: over the years my mother has not been the easiest character. When I was quite a bit younger she had this way of ‘’bitching about me’’ (sorry for the immature terminology but it’s the easiest way to get the message across!!) to my dad which
Would upset me a lot. My dad wasn’t the chattiest man and so he didn’t always hear
much from me
about my day or get to know me that well as he and I didn’t chat very much and so for him to have in his ear these mean words about me from my mum was incredibly upsetting. I later realised it may have been a bit of jealousy as it was around the time
I was getting married and going on nice holidays etc. and being wined and dined by my now husband who was very gentlemanly . She has never been interested in my
Career or asked any questions about what I do for work. She knows I am an accountant and is proud as I do hear her tell friends my daughter is an accountant bla bla but there are many kinds of accountants and places to work and areas to be in, why not ask sometimes how is work going? She never helps with my
Children and on the very rare occasion she has babysat she makes sure the kids are asleep
Before I leave the house (eye roll). When I was younger she would love to rave about how well her son was doing. When I was a child i remember feeling humiliated sometimes when I would try to join in with a family joke that my brother had made and she would say I didn’t suit me. I am so careful now with my
own children to give them grace and understanding. I make sure my son knows I am laughing with him and not at him if he does something funny and I am
telling my DH what my son did in a lighthearted way so that he never feels humiliated. Also I make sure that my son helps with domestic tasks and never thinks that it’s a woman’s job. I think my
mother has changed over the years and would be quite upset if she realised how I felt and how these memories sit in my mind of her. She has offered to help me out now and then now but I don’t rely on her. I don’t want any favours as she will act like she’s done so much if she watches my children for one day. I never call her to chat - I do the bare minimum to make it
look like there is no issue between us, eg if we are invited round I will go round. I don’t tell her anything personal. If my relationship with my children is this perfunctory when I am 65 i
would be devastated but she has never said anything about it.
Ultimately nothing is going to change. I have a choice to either accept that my parents will
Not be helping me financially ever and everything will go to my brother (I even heard them
Say that once out loud that everything goes to the son - this was a really long time ago though ) and live my life focusing on my own children and husband or I can let this eat me Up and become bitter. And no I can’t talk to them About any of this. It is very difficult to
Explain but I think if I open up about this to them then it will create a lot of damage to the relationship and become incredibly awkward and upsetting for all of us.
Thank you for reading if you’ve got this far. i think I probably need some therapy to help me to move forward. These years where my children are young are indeed special years and to waste it all on being bitter is a shame. I am more than happy to be told I am being unreasonable (although this isn’t the AIBU thread). I just need an outsider’s
perspective.
I feel resentful that my own children might not have the same
opportunities as their cousins and I feel annoyed that I am expected to be a good daughter and help out as they age without being given the same assistance from them when they’re able to help
me.
Thank you