New relationships after long marriage

[Purplewine]

I separated from my exDH a year ago. We were married for 20 years and now share custody of our 3 teen dc.

I have spent the last year processing everything that happened and trying to heal (it was a difficult break up, although exDH and I are trying to coparent amicably).

I've felt recently like I would like to maybe have another relationship at some point. But I just feel a bit confused about what I would be looking for! When I met my exDH in my 20s, there was the initial chemistry, mutual interests and attraction. And although it wasn't conscious, I think I was also thinking about being with a man with whom I could build a life together, who would be a good husband and dad, and we could combine finances.

Now obviously I would not be looking for that at all. I am financially independent (things are quite tight, but doable), and exDH is a fully engaged dad, so it's not like I would want a man to move in and be in the role of a stepfather. I wouldn't really want any new man to be introduced to my dc for a long time, until I was sure about them, and even then, I'm not sure I would ever want to live together with them.

I don't have much spare time, so basically I could probably see someone once a week. I just can't quite get my head around how a relationship like that could work. Do people at this stage in life build a life together or is it more about fitting into each others lives which are already established?

I just feel a bit daunted by the whole thing. I've heard that the dating pool is very limited at this age anyway (late forties). Out of the men who are available, I'm just not sure that there are going to be many where there is a mutual attraction, and also a compatible lifestyle!

Not sure what I'm asking really, but if anyone has got any experiences of relationships at this stage of life, what they look like and how they work, I'd love to hear about them!

I was also with my ex husband nearly 20 years but my children are a lot younger - pre school and reception. I agree with you that looking at a man to date now without the initial youthful lust thrown in and viewing someone as potential father material im finding ….strange off putting disconcerting …not sure how to describe it. Like you i could “maybe” see someone once a week and wouldn’t likely ever live with them or if i did would be when children have left home which could be 15 years!! I’m early forties.
What I will say is men in their forties seem to want to date women years younger … so maybe the trick is to date someone older but then they all just seem so ….old 😂 and not many men in their mid to late forties or older want to date a woman with young children in tow. So I think when I do dip date my tow back in the dating pool it’s with a mindset of finding a friend, companion etc and hope there is a little bit of chemistry thrown in.

My DC were in primary school when my exH left.
I’ve had two relationships since - 4 years & 18 months to date.
For me it’s having someone to spend time with when I don’t have the DC. Someone to have intimacy with & share experiences with.
We are both busy with kids so see each other 1-2 times a week.
We have met each other’s DC but mainly see each other without them.
Both live about half an hour away & both within a few years of my age.
I think I got quite lucky as found both online dating without too much trouble.
I broke up with the first as it wasn’t working out for many reasons but he was a good guy (just wanted more from me than I was prepared to give & increasingly had a negative outlook).
I’d say give it a go and see if you can find someone compatible. We do have to snatch time to see each other but we make it work and just have to message in between.

Go for it! You only live once, enjoy it!

Similar to you - 20 year relationship. Straight into dating and it was great to feel loved and wanted after abusive ex. The dating pool is a minefield, as a guy it can be difficult as there are a lot of idiots out there but there are also some nice normal guys like myself.

People do want different things - there will be some who want a relationship but not looking to move in, others who want it to be more serious, I would not rule anything out, meeting the right person could change things.

With teens, I have no issue in people meeting them quickly (only 2 did), quite relaxed about it all.

Once a week is not much time. It would be a deal breaker for me and will to others, but may also suit some people. Thats why I had no issues with kids as she could come here on a mon night and just watch TV, or have dinner etc...

I'm similar but older. 55 and relationship was 30 years. I have had some great fun dates with younger men who seem keen on the older women. Then accidentally met a lovely man my age again through Internet dating. Been seeing him again few months now, generally once in the week perhaps cinema, meal etc then I stay at his house at the weekend or we go for a trip away. It's different but really lovely.

I was with an ex for 14 years so not quite as long but within 6 months I was head over heels with someone else.

I was married 20 years when it all imploded big-style. Largely my fault I admit and I think a lot was peri-menopause related, though looking back I had not been happy for a long time and we'd had separate bedrooms for some years.

Met someone else quite quickly, 10 years my senior. It was good and I fell in love, but lots of issues with his ex-wife being way too involved (he had no kids, but she still had a key to his house, they met up in secret regularly, she'd go around to his house and clean whilst he was away, they'd meet up with old friends together whilst I was excluded). It caused a lot of problems and he wasn't prepared to at least loosen the ties (I was never going to insist he cut them, they'd been married nearly 40 years, so understandable they were close, but I didn't want to be involved with someone who was still that involved with his ex-wife.

Met someone else who was a previous acquaintance but basically a FWB kind of arrangement, which suited me ok but that's not really my cup of tea. Man number 1 with the enmeshed ex-wife didn't like that at all and tried to get me back, but wasn't prepared to disentangle from the overly involved ex.

I do think at this age you'll get a lot of men that just want a FWB set up, where the ex is still too present in their lives or where all their ex's are mad. There's a lot of baggage going on and it's a case of finding one with the baggage which is most acceptable to you.

I don't ever want to live with someone again, but that said, I'd like a fully committed exclusive relationship. I'd like someone who lives locally, shares common interests and values who I can do fun stuff with and we can be there for each other though difficult times. I don't want someone with dependent children and they need to understand the dog and I come as a package.

I don't want to share finances and I do want that head over heels in love feeling again. I do get lonely being largely on my own, but if anyone stays over for more than 3 nights I start to look forward to a night in on my own again.

I've not found it a problem to find male company since my divorce and I get plenty of offers for drinks/dinner/days out/weekends away, but I've not met anyone who makes me want to run off into the sunset with them.

Even though I've never thought of myself as gay, I could increasingly see that if I ever were to commit to someone completely again, they may well be female.