Sharing care of 4yo. How does it work for you?

[alongtimecoming1]

Posting here for hopefully a bit more traffic.

its looking like DH and I will be separating. We have one 4yo DC together. Currently in nursery around our jobs, and starting school in September. We’re happy with the school choice so hopefully we’ll both settle relatively nearby.

I know it’s not uncommon but I’m really struggling with the idea of not having DC with me all the time. I absolutely agree and accept that DC needs to maintain a good relationship with dad, it’s just hard.

how did it work for you? Any thoughts or experiences you can share would be appreciated. Thanks

I split from my ex at almost exactly the same time.
My daughter was 3, turning 4 and starting school that September. We both live close by and do 4 night with me and 3 nights with her dad.
For us, and enitre week on and week off felt too much at that age and we decided not to rotate the 4 nights between us as it gave more predictability for her during the week. She knows which days she's going home with him and which with me,every week is the same.
This does however mean we split the weekend up, I pick her up 1600 sat and it can create some issues around making plans ect. We have a pretty good co parenting relationship and are happy to be flexible.

Thanks for getting back to me @HandsomeJack

How did your DD find it initially? And how did you find it? Part of me can see the benefit of having a bit of a break, but a big part of me just doesn’t want to miss out on every little detail.

I’m worried DC will find it a huge adjustment - I do at least 90% of the childcare at the moment.

On a practical level, does your DD have stuff at each home or do you send clothes/toys etc backwards and forwards?

On the practical stuff. You are trying
to make two places feel like ‘home’. So i always try to minimise what goes back and forth. Weekend clothes at both homes, toys, books, pjs, and uniform. Just coats, shoes and expensive/fave bits move around.

Emotionally. The kids were ok and adapted really quickly. We were calm and civil and friendly which helped them. But it was a hard adjustment for me. But i found that after a while i got into a routine of doing all of my housework and shopping and admin when alone. I also focussed on my career. Had time to care for myself and see friends and have hobbies. When the kids are here i am much calmer and patient and fully present with them. I actually think i am a better parent now believe it or not.

it will all work out.

I split with my ex DH when my daughter was 4 and she adjusted really quickly. We both lived close by and near to her primary school. We ensured she had two homes so she had pretty much everything she needed at both houses and very little went between the two. We had 50/50 but didn't want to split the weekend so had a two week schedule where we alternated weekends. When she started secondary school she had too many books, kit, dance stuff etc... to keep switching between houses so we now do a week at each house and swap over on a Sunday so whichever parent has had her that week can wash all her uniform etc.... it work well. Since she was little, we've had a routine where she facetimes the parent she's not with and she still does this at 14. Good luck 🤞

My kids were older . We do 50/50. He lives 10 min walk from me.
2 nights mine, then 2 at his.
It means we have alternate weekends without them
We are amicable and get on. The kids are central to decisions and we are both flexible - eg if we have famuly events on the opposite weekend we will each accommodate - same for mothers/fathers day and mine/his birthday.
All the best

I am 8 months into living apart and we have a 2 week rota with 2 days on, 2 days off and then a 3 day weekend and it switches the next week.
It means they sometimes check who they are with but it hasn't phased them at all.
DS is 5 and DD is 10 so a week apart didn't seem right.
We also felt set days wouldn't work as DD has activities on certain nights so one parent would be stuck being a taxi on their nights while the other got quality time on theirs.

Kids can adapt really well and you can use the time you aren't on "mum" duty to shop, clean, practice self care and then when you are then you can just spend the time with kids without having chores to do.
Bar the loneliness, most people I know are jealous of those spare moments I get these days.