Kissed friend- lost

[StarLady1989]

Please be kind as I am having a very hard time navigating my way around this and what to do for the best. I would appreciate any thoughts.

Last weekend, myself, my husband and his friend (he is not a massively close friend, but still a friend, he doesn’t see him often but he lives near us and we do see him in passing, he is recently single and probably a bit out of sorts so we offered to go out with him to cheer him up, DH is a very nice guy) went out and basically got quite drunk all of us. Very unlike me and DH to do this.

Long story short- husband went to toilet- his friend made a pass at me and kissed me. It was passionate but not long. My problem is- I cannot hardly remember the kiss or anything that happened. I remember the kiss briefly and that it was him that instigated it.

Basically the evening was so messy it resulted in my husband putting him to bed at his home (DH was also very drunk) but I know that’s no excuse.

I had a message from husband’s friend the next morning asking how I was feeling and that if I remembered we kissed. I said yes and apologised to put him in that position. He responded with don’t be sorry and it takes 2 to tango. I said should I tell my husband. He said it might not be a good idea because it may split us up but it’s up to me. We both ended up agreeing to just leave it and not say anything. I do feel we could all move past this but the guilt I am feeling is very painful. This is so out of character for me to do something like this.

I know DH was also texting friend the next day in normal conversation and they have also made a plan in a few months time to meet again but not involving drink. How can I allow that to happen?

What do I do?

1- tell husband what happened gently. He has had his suspicions about the evening and noticed friend being flirty with me. If I tell him I’m worried it is going to cause a massive distrust, he has self confidence issues and he is distrustful of me anyway (previous relationships)

2- not tell him, like friend suggested. But I am worried this will get to DH before me. I don’t 100% trust that his friend won’t say something to another mutual friend, I don’t know. We don’t have a close friendship group as such but we have a few mutual friends.

I am leaning towards option 1, I would want to know if that was me. I know for a 10000% fact this would never happen again and I am willing to work through this to secure his trust again. even pay for us to go to counselling and understand why this happened. I also never want to be in a position where I am alone with friend again, let alone allowing DH to see him.

I am worried if DH sees friend again and then finds out what happened and he would never forgive me for allowing that.

I hope that makes sense, sorry if any of the above doesn’t, I am feeling very lost at the moment and so upset with what I have done to him We also have a DS who is 3.

Please be kind but equally I would like others opinions. Thank you for reading

This is always my advice in these situations, BUT here it's the fact that the friend might shoot his mouth off that's the problem.

you’re telling him for yourself. Not for him. If there’s nothing in it, then what is he gaining by knowing? You’ll create a situation that your poor husband can’t unknow.

Codswallop.

He's her husband's friend, they're texting each other and have made plans to go out together in a few months.

If he can't 'unknow' that his wife and his friend were playing tonsil hockey the minute he popped to the toilet, that's on them.

It doesn't mean the poor bloke doesn't deserve to know.

The fact you reciprocated though suggests you aren’t 100% happy so maybe tell him and you might be able to work out why you kissed him And how to address what’s wrong in your relationship

Looking at it practically, the friend is flaky, and you've admitted it in writing. So I think you have to tell DH because there's a good chance that he'll find out from the friend, who might show him the texts between you.
It doesn't necessarily meant that anything is wrong with your relationship, it means that you were drunk and horny. Stupid, almost certainly, but a drunken snog doesn't really mean you need to go for counselling. Apologise, don't overdramatise, and reassure DH as best you can. But I think you'll both have to not see the friend again.

You apologised to this man for accepting his kiss? Why? If you should be apologising to anyone it's your husband. He suspects that something happened so much better tell him immediately. As it is, you and this dodgy friend of his have a secret from him.

That's what I was wondering!

@StarLady1989 take your oil.

Come clean. Friend has a hold on you if you don't.

This "friend" is rather enjoying the fact that he can just reach in and have sexual contact with his friend's wife whenever he feels likes it, and then have a little text back channel with her about their simmering desire all while arranging another meet up with his friend like nothing has happened.

He enjoys proving that relationships are a farce and that he can break the facade at the click of a finger.

Don't give him the satisfaction of letting this smug feeling of omnipotence persist.

Tell your husband that as soon as he went to the loo, his "friend" leaned in and kissed you, before continuing as if nothing had happened when he returned, and that his"friend" then texted the next day not to apologize but to fish for an opportunity to revisit - presumably for full sex.

Let your husband do the rest.

Tell your husband that as soon as he went to the loo, his "friend" leaned in and kissed you, before continuing as if nothing had happened when he returned

And that the OP reciprocated the 'passionate' (her words) kiss before continuing as if nothing had happened when he returned.

Yes, her husband will do the rest as you put it but let's hope that doesn't involve dumping them both.

@StarLady1989 - I hope your conversation with your DH is not too tricky. It sounds like it was just a drunken mistake. It was so daft of you to apologise to the friend, though, and talk about putting the friend “in that situation”. It makes it sound like you initiated. In fact, it was daft to discuss it by text at all. Many things are so much better spoken rather than written down. Still I’ve done some really stupid things in life. Most important thing is to learn from them.

The only person requiring an apology is your DH.

Good luck sorting this out. Hopefully things will blow over soon.

The wording of your text exchange very much suggests that you kissed him first, I really can't understand why you would word it like that if it was him who kissed you.

@LadyTable I would suggest omitting that as it is not relevant if the friend initiated as soon as the husband went to the loo, and then followed up with a fishing text. It is the intentional deception that is the key.

As is often rightly pointed out on MN

The OP made vows to her husband, his friend didn't.

The pair of them are just as bad as each other and definitely just as deceiving.

Especially to be able to carry on the rest of the night like nothing happened.

@LadyTable
Yes, and she will inevitably suffer the consequences of her choices.

It is entirely up to the husband to decide what the consequences are for all those concerned, however if I invited out a friend that was recently single and needed cheering up, who spent the evening flirting with my husband and threw herself at him at the first opportunity when I went to the loo, and then followed up the next day to see if he wanted to persue something with her, it would not be my husband that my ire would be focused on.

Very good question! You were apologising for him kissing you which gave him the out that it was mutual.

Its perfectly possible to concentrate on two people at the same time.

The one who took advantage of your kindness and the one who stood beside you on your wedding day, claiming to be faithful.

Stop trying to shift the blame. Both the OP and the so called friend should be ashamed of themselves.

It was mutual according to the OP. He instigated and she reciprocated.

Quite literally mutual.

@LadyTable This is obviously very personal to you. I'm sorry you have been hurt. I hope you find peace in your life, and sincerity in your relationships forthwith

I would have told DH the next day and certainly would not text or apologise to the "friend". The best you can do now is tell DH straight away.

You have to tell your dh because of the text conversation .
This man knew what he was doing when he kissed you. As another poster suggested , he wanted to prove that relationships are a farce which is why he kissed his friend’s wife .

How on earth is it sexual assault? 2 grown ups kissed the OP needs to put on big girl pants and own up to it or find ways to twist it to try and justify it, totally up to them

If it was a man the OP would be told the usual about row and ducks or 'kick him to the kerb' or 'he needs to pack his bags and go back to his parents'

It was just a kiss, NO, I would not blow your marriage up over this, you will regret it, AND, he will lose his friend. So your DH will lose two people. It would be selfish of you to tell him.

As pps hsve said, your apology for putting him in that situation makes it look like you instigated it. Such a weird way to talk about it if you didn't.

What will you get from telling him?
Here's what you get:
A lack of trust, an upset husband, a broken friendship for him, perhaps a broken relationship for you both (though I do wonder if that's what you want)
Basically you'll have a miserable husband if you tell him, whilst you on the other hand my get some satisfaction from hurting him again - cos from your initial post sounds like you have before.
Sorry but you sound manipulative.
Most people who had made a genuine mistake would feel ashamed with themselves and want to bury it to avoid upset. But you seem to want to cause upset to him. Kissing his mate and the telling him about it is cruel.

I had a message from husband’s friend the next morning asking how I was feeling and that if I remembered we kissed. I said yes and apologised to put him in that position. He responded with don’t be sorry and it takes 2 to tango.

OP, the way the guy wrote this, it sounds like you were the one to initiate this even though it was him (“we kissed” as though it was a mutual decision).

Then you apologise for putting him in this position! What is this about?

Why didn’t you write back how he is an creep and for him to leave you alone? Now he has these texts where you kissed and you are sorry putting him in this position …it seems to have come across that you made the pass.

I think tell you DH straight up 100% truth and show your phone messages. Then let him have space and time to absorb and decide next steps.