Teenager meltdown over new relationship

[sunnyday2025]

Bear with me this is long….Wondering how I can help DB and DNeice (15) if at all.

the background is DB finally managed to leave his alcoholic abusive ex 5 years ago. He took the DC with him (boy and girl) and it’s been the 3 of them since. His Ex has an order in place barring her from contact. Obviously it was hugely traumatic for the DC.

About a year ago DB met someone else. I’ve actually known her years and she’s lovely with DC of her own. I am so protective of DB I would have been the first to voice concerns if I saw red flags.

DB has deliberately and understandably taken it at snails pace. DC didn't even know she existed for about 9 months - DB would just nip round and see her when DC were out. Only time they would have a proper date was when DC were away visiting GPs every few months.

Anyway over last few months DB has gradually started to introduced his GF to DC. Again very low key, think walks, park etc.
To begin with both DC were fine but once my neice twigged there was something more to the relationship she totally shutdown.
Flatly refuses to have anything to do with GF, bombards DB with hysterical calls and messages if she knows he is with GF. Screams at him when he gets in.

yesterday was a big birthday for DB and we all went bowling. GF came with us. I thought it was a good opportunity for everyone to celebrate together without any pressure on
anyone to particularly engage. DN was told beforehand GF would be joining us.
I was wrong - DN spent the whole time flatly ignoring everyone or dragging DB off to rant at him. She wouldn’t even look at GF let alone talk to her. It was awful.
when I tried to speak to neice she said she couldn’t explain it just didn’t want to have anything to do with GF

I feel so bad for them all, it’s very complicated and they’ve all been through so much trauma. My neice has had counselling and DB has been brilliant. To my mind though at what point does he get to have a life again? She has her own friendship group and life, why shouldn’t he? He deserves to be able to move on too but it’s like he is being held hostage by my neice.

I should add my nephew seems much more accepting of this relatioship

I empathise with this situation. My son is adopted and the split from my ex was difficult. I met my current partner a year later. My son (then 9, now 13) was initially accepting of him but over the years has been through very difficult periods with my partner - physical aggression , insults, threats, finally a long period of complete ignoring/cold shouldering - which I found preferable to the rudeness and aggression!

Due to my sons needs I have kept the relationship shop very low key. Partner only stays here maybe once, maximum twice a month. I visit him when my son is with his other parent every 6 weeks or so. I regularly remind my son that he is still my priority, that I would never move a partner into the home while he is still a child. My partner, save for a couple of blips, has been really good at giving my son space and allowing my son to come to him. My partner often reminds my son that he is more important to me than my partner and says this is how it should be. He makes an effort to reassure my son that it is not a competition for my affection. They are slowly building an ok relationship.

I have struggled over the years with whether to end the relationship to make it easier for my son however my son has always been overly possessive and intense with me and overall I really think it has helped for him to accept I have a relationship outside of him and yet he is still my priority. My partner is always kind and lovely to me and my son can see this, it is a good relationship model for him.

Your niece is nearly an adult so it is likely possible for your brother to reassure her that his girlfriend won't move in at least until she grows up. She will stay his priority etc. Not an easy situation for the new girlfriend as presumably your niece is always at home and it will be hard for them to have space for their relationship. However the years go by quickly! It won't always be like this.

She clearly still has some unresolved trauma and probably quite severe abandonment issues. She is nowhere near healed enough to cope with a new partner coming into her dad's life. He is all that she has now and I don't think there is a specific time frame for when he can move on with his life and meet someone else without damaging his DD. He has tried it now and his DD has had a huge negative reaction to it so now he knows she needs more reassurance, more therapy and more time.

There are a lot of people who would just say, tough, kids shouldn't rule the roost, she's a little madam, she's obnoxious etc. but he sounds like a good parent and hopefully he takes her reaction seriously and tries to work with her, rather than work against her. Might not be fair to him, but those are the cards he has been dealt.

Thank you both - both replies sum it up perfectly.

There are clearly massive abandonment issues for my neice which aren’t going to disappear anytime soon. I’m wondering if she would consider getting some more counselling.

Her violent reaction towards GF is not new. Anytime her Dad does anything for himself she becomes (as gently as I can put it) aggressive and manipulative. It’s horrible for him, her DB and certainly can’t feel good for her.

I love her dearly but the level of control she is exerting over her Dad isn’t helpful for anyone and will carry on into her adult relationships if she carries on like this.

maybe for now he tells DD he won’t force her to participate but that he will
continue to see GF albeit on a low key basis.
hopefully at some point neice will heal enough to accept her Dad can have a new life and still room for her

I agree with this.
She doesn’t have to meet her or be involved but she can’t and shouldn’t be allowed to stop him having an adult relationship that doesn’t impact on her. He is allowed to go out sometimes and spend his time with whoever he wishes. It would be extremely unhealthy to allow her behaviour to stop him from having a life. She won’t be there forever.
Niece also desperately needs some decent counselling. This behaviour is not ok and will negatively impact her massively going forward.

@sunnyday2025 I agree. It's not going to get better by itself. She is still very angry at the world it seems. Hopefully she will agree to counselling as that would benefit her immensly at this point. She can't go into adulthood with all these feelings raging in her.

I don't think he has to give up on his relationship either but I think for a while longer it will need to be separate from his life when he has his kids. It might even be good if he can prove that he can have a relationship and that it has no effect on his relationship with his DD at all. That might reassure her that nobody is threatening her place and that it's possible to coexist. It will probably take a long time though but your DB sounds patient.

She is also being abusive as she has seen how this works in her childhood.

So she need to be taught that her actions are not a "normal" way to communicate. So I think you can give guidance on what is healthy ( good and bad ) and rather than discuss it as DB and GF explain it in the context of her soon having a partner. Other family can gently teach it as part of a general conversation of how they nurture their relationships and what caused friction

He has the right to anew relationship but shouldn’t force that on his dd. He continues to date but keeps his kids separate for now

She really must have therapy. She is externalizing her trauma (snd rage) onto her father in an extremely unhealthy way and giving in to it is not going to result in healing but a hardening of her “character strategy” into a full on personality disorder. You don’t fix controlling, selfish, behavior by giving in to it. She has to learn to calm snd reassure herself without abusing others. This has to be non negotiable: screaming, nagging, abusing, rejecting and putting her needs above everyone else’s are all not ok. She is 15–if she doesn’t get help now managing her big, traumatic, experience she won’t have the tools to manage as an adult snd she will wreak havoc in her family and friends.

9 months is not taking things at a snail's pace when introducing children who have trauma around their parents splitting up to a new GF.

Has niece been in therapy? It sounds like individual therapy and family counseling are really necessary.

Does he realize blending families is extremely unlikely here? Can he deal with a low key relationship where they are not really going to advance to things like living together until niece is gone from the family home?

Thank you. I will speak to DB and reinforce the need for therapy.

having an abusive alcoholic as one of her role models has clearly normalised this behaviour despite not having been exposed to it for several years. She is unhealthily possessive towards DB and I can only see it getting worse if she doesn’t get help.

Am sure he is wiling to keep GF on the back burner but this behaviour will keep happening in other apsects of their family life.

You sound very kind and caring.However I think DB has a lot to deal with here.Your DN has been through a huge amount of trauma ,and probably feels the loss of her Mum and that DM is being replaced.I dont think its the right time to push the fact that DB has a new GF .If she goes out with friends, then DB can see his GF then? Blended families are tricky even without all this angst.9 months is not a very long time really

From her reaction I'd think DN was much younger than she is. That said, teenagers are all about their own feelings, aren't they?

It sounds like DB has done all of the right things in terms of introducing a new relationship. He wouldn't be doing DN a favour if he backed out of the relationship for her sake. She needs someone to sit her down and explain to her in very basic terms exactly what you said in your OP - her Dad deserves a life and a relationship and it is not up to her who he chooses to be in one with.

Is there any scope for family counselling? Or Dad sitting in on a few of her sessions?

If she feels heard but then gets the firm message that Dad isn't doing anything wrong it may just start to sink in.

Meant to say - it's normal for kids who 'lost' a parent to be overly anxious about losing the other. She is focusing on how bad it felt to lose contact with Mum and is just terrified of that pain returning if Dad were to leave, even though there is no chance of that happening.

She needs a lot of reassurance and a good dose of reality. It's not an easy balance to get right but DB is lucky she's already in therapy so advice and support is already in place.

As her dad I’d be reassuring her that there is room for them both in his life but her behaviour simply will not be tolerated despite her past trauma this is an unacceptable way to behave.

id offer to talk through calmly her concerns, ask if therapy would be beneficial for her but set the boundaries that this behaviOur stops and she is respectful to her father and his gf. She doesn’t have to like her fine but she does have to be cordial as the gf will be expected to be

He wouldn't be doing DN a favour if he backed out of the relationship for her sake. She needs someone to sit her down and explain to her in very basic terms exactly what you said in your OP - her Dad deserves a life and a relationship and it is not up to her who he chooses to be in one with.

This. What @JustSawJohnny said.

He absolutely should not end this relationship if he's happy. I have had serious anxiety and attachment issues in the past due to various things in my childhood and someone pandering to them doesn't help at all. It will only make things worse the next time.

As others have said, she desperately needs some therapy. It isn't her fault that she is acting the way she is as she is most likely copying her mums behaviour and probably witnessed her mum screaming at her dad and bullying him into doing / not doing something. And has others have said, there will be attachment / abandonment issues at play too. Having said that, there is no excuse for the nasty, bullying behaviour towards the GF and that needs stopping in its tracks. No matter how damaged she is, that type of behaviour cannot be condoned under any circumstances.

Totally agree on your take about DN’s age…she comes across in several ways as being much younger than her actual age. It’s like her emotional development was halted at the point her parents split. Obvious really.

For what it’s worth my own DC get quite cross about her behaviour. They are all of a similar age and understand DN is anxious but can’t quite believe what she’s doing and sees DB as letting her rule his life

OP you sound like a wonderful sister and aunt. There is some superb advice here already.

For what it's worth, as a mum of 2, just in their 20s, teenage girls esp those who've gone through the pandemic are very mixed up. Social media does not help. There are charities out there she could look to for advice. Good therapy is a must, but teens seem to think a pill will cure their problems, they don't, improvement takes the time that you're willing to work at it.

Your niece needs to be told that she has to make the effort is she wants her life to improve and her Dad is entitled to a life and to find love. He's been the selection committee, if she loves him, her job is to be the welcoming committee. Teenage brains are not good at retaining info. Repetition is the key. Of both words and actions.

15 - is she year 10 or 11? If 11, she’s about to hit GCSEs, even if she stays on at her current school for A levels, many of her friends/year group will be going elsewhere for year 12/13. It’s about to be a lot of change and pressure and adding in family change as well might be too much.

if she’s year 10, the gcse pressure is less but is there.

I think I’d advise db to say he accepts dn doesn’t like his girlfriend, he won’t try to blend families, but will still date her.

it might help to say that he has no intention of living with GF or any other woman until both his dcs are adults and left school. That makes it clear to DN she won’t have to share her space with GF but also doesn’t say he’ll never have a partner. she doesn’t have to fear if her dads relationship goes well, she’ll have to deal with the change of living situation.

DN clearly needs therapy, and although other dc seems fine with it, might be worth seeing if they need support too.

I think your DB should keep his relationship separate from his children for the foreseeable future. He does however, need to set firmer boundaries for his daughter in terms of her controlling or abusive behaviour towards him. And I would definitely look at more counselling, perhaps family counselling? It does sound like being abandoned by her mother has left her with significant trauma, understandably.

Maybe from the outside it looks unhealthily possessive, maybe from the inside it's her trying to protect him and their family from the same happening again. Even if subconsciously.

If everyone else seems OK. I think your DNiece at 15 years is copying her abusive mother tantrums to get her dad for herself. There is no easy way other than patient, therapy and time for her to realize that her dad will always be there for her but he also deserve some happiness aside of been just a dad.

It's more than just her parents splitting though. She has essentially lost her mother. She has no contact with her at all so she must be shit scared of losing her dad as well. Being in an abusive home must also have had an negative impact on her. She needs more therapy and a lot of reassurance that her dad won't abandon her for his new GF.

What sort of abuse did she see her mum participate in? Is she mirroring those actions?

She will have witnessed her Mum gaslighting and controlling DB followed by full on verbal (and sometimes physical) attacks. Always worse when she was drunk.

I have a memory of DN at about 9 yo, throwing small pebbles at her dad on the beach to wake him up. Annoying but easily nipped in the bud but Rather than stop DN her Mum started laughing and poking fun even when DB started getting cross.

Pebbles started getting bigger and It was only when I stepped in and firmly told DN to stop that she eventually took any notice.