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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

depressed dp - not sure what to do.. long

11 replies

teasmade · 13/05/2008 21:53

DP has always been of the pessimistic type. Things worse recently though. He has a really unfulfilling job but no obvious way out. He is off with stress/depression. I have gone with him to see doctor. GP wants to hold off on the anti-depressants for a while to see if things will come good on their own. DP says he wouldn't take them anyway.

He lies about the house all day and is really uncommunicative when I get home. He does manage out once in a while. I am doing almost everything (bills, housework etc) but he snaps at me over things not being perfect. We have had sex once in the past month and he seems really uncomfortable with kissing/cuddling. We argued yesterdays and he said we would be better off apart because of my housekeeping skills... not the first time I have had to hear this... he doesn't take it back but goes back to "normal". I know all this is the depression but I am exhausted. There are glimmers of good.. but I often feel lonely and scared about the future. We were planning on TTC (hence Mumsnet!). That's on hold for who knows how long (not the priority right now).

I don't have much support. DP's family are so lovely but of the "pull yourself together" school. They don't even know he's off and he won't tell anyone. It feels disloyal to talk to friends as he is such a provate person. I have spoken to a couple, but it is snatched conversations and I haven't really been open. I am crying properly for the first time here.

I don't know what I am asking. Just for some support please.

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teasmade · 13/05/2008 22:33

OK, I do know what I am asking.

How do I cope with this?

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teasmade · 14/05/2008 10:52

I am going to have to bump myself... Can anyone help? Or is it Mums only?

I am a godmum and was planning to be a mum before all this!

I fell like DP doesn't love me or like me anymore, though he denies this. I don't want to discuss it with him a lot because it isn't really fair with him depressed.

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VeronicaMars · 14/05/2008 11:11

Hi Teasmade. Sorry you are going through this at the moment. It really is shit isn't it? My dh has suffered from anxiety in the past from stress and it's very scarey because you don't know what to do. I don't have a lot of advice really but maybe you could talk to the gp? Maybe he could prescribe even a very mild anti-depressant? As for your dp not taking them, the gp or a local mental health doctor could probably talk to him.
Dh hated the thoughts of taking anything but sometimes stress or depression can go a bit too far for you to come through it yourself. Sometimes you need medication even for six months until things turn around.
I really hope someone comes on here with a lot more experience and advice for you and I hope things get better for you.

NotQuiteCockney · 14/05/2008 11:14

This sounds really difficult for you.

You can't make him get better. If he doesn't want to take ADs, he could exercise, or work on his diet, or see a counsellor. Is he doing any of these, or considering any of them?

He sounds very very unhappy, and not very rational - blaming your housekeeping skills (when he's lazing about all day!) for his unhappiness is quite bizarre.

Hassling him to sort himself out won't help, I don't think. You can try to be supportive and patient. Or you can leave him. What do you want to do?

teasmade · 14/05/2008 11:29

Thanks ladies.

I am hoping he will keep talking to GP and maybe take and Anti-D. Right now he is very much against it. I am trying to get him to do exercise, even just going a walk to the shops. He has been out a few times and is in the park as we speak!! (I'm at work). I think seeing a counsellor or therapist could be a good option for him if he could see it as something practical. I will ask him to discuss with GP. He is quite fixed in his ideas though so I have to leave him to decide.

I think the stuff about housekeeping might be frustration that his life is not what he wanted. We have a nice home and decent amount of money, but he has always aspired to more. He would like to have enough money for me to take lots of mat leave and for us to have a huge house in the country. i don't really think this is so important but do understand where he is coming from. He can't see that he needs to take control for things to change. Sigh.

Am trying very hard to be patient. I am not going to leave. I love him and know that somwhere in there he loves me. Am just finding it hard right now. Thank you so much mumsnetters.

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hls · 14/05/2008 11:32

My suggestion would be a counsellor or a life coach who can help him get out of his rut.

He WILL have options re.work- he just needs to discover what they are! Maybe re-training? Re-locating? What would he really like to do?

Sounds as if he feels a failure and needs some sort of challenge to try to increase his self-esteem. has he any interest in sports? Voluntary work?

I agree that he can't be helped unless he wants to be. He has to decide what he is unhappy about- and if it work, then there is no other option except to set about changing it.

teasmade · 14/05/2008 11:44

Yes hls maybe a life coach.

I am in a good situation with work - part of the problem? which would mean we could afford for him to retrain or something. He just doesn't know what he wants to do. He gets good ideas then gives up. I don't want to make him pick because therein lies a lifetime of resentment.

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hls · 14/05/2008 15:56

A good coach won't pick either- they will get him to evaluate where his interests and talents lie-for the same reason you said- they don't want the blame by choosing for him.

a good place to start would be

www.associationforcoaching.com

good luck!

teasmade · 15/05/2008 07:56

Thanks will have a look

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VeronicaMars · 15/05/2008 12:11

Hi Teasmade. Hope things are looking a little clearer for you today.
Just to say that dh was very set in his ways about counseling etc but he has changed his mind because he really feels that it helps. I think it helps him to understand that he is not the only person feeling like this and that mental health issues affect a lot of people and the best start is to get help.

teasmade · 15/05/2008 18:57

Thanks VM

It is amazing how much better I feel from speaking to you all. I am going to speak to DP at the weekend and see if he will think about counselling or coaching. Thanks again.

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