Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I'm struggling and I don't want to be judged

19 replies

Laundrybasket11 · 24/03/2025 07:16

I feel so low. Its a really long winded story. I separated from my longish (over 4 years) relationship several months back. It was a slow disconnect. He changed so much and pushed me away to a point I didn't recognise him. I worked hard on myself for weeks. I was struggling. But I even went on a couple of dates to acknowledge change. I was just starting to settle down. When one day he turned up at my door in tears. He told me what had been going on around him. He had been bullied into various things by a person who lived in the same block of flats. This man was making his life horrible. The police came over to my house. They took statements. He went to the station. Once they arrested the man they took him to a hotel further away so he was safe. They said they hadn't enough evidence etc and he was released. When the police were here they did say nobody is brave enough to do a statement but they were aware of all he does. But even with help. They couldn't do nothing.

Over the last 2 months. He's been in hotels. He's stayed here sometimes. Or his aunties. He's awaiting new accommodation within 56 days. Sadly he won't be housed where we live. He will be further away.

When the police came round they went through his phone and asked about various names. It was a list full of males and females I'd never heard of but many were known to the police for addictions etc. After they left. He told me to look through the phone so I knew he wasn't hiding anything. Over the next few weeks he often told me to look at numbers that were calling etc.

Things in general for him are peaceful now. He's eating well..he's spending time with loved ones again. He is desperate to be with me again and make it work.

2 days ago I woke up. I saw a missed call on his phone. So I looked to see if people were still trying to Contact him. I noted he had deleted all contacts out his phone. It's just family left. But there was a random woman's name in his phone that's new. I asked him who she was. He originally claimed she must have been an old number from the dodgy man's list. Then he said he didn't know her surname when I asked. He said she didn't know me. Then he got annoyed I had been on his phone and said he could talk to who he wanted. Then he said he wasn't interested in talking to nobody and told me to ring it and see for myself. I was left confused at his reaction.

When he left yesterday. He told me to not be thinking bad things. I've woken up this morning riddled with anxiety and had enough. He includes me in his family again. His daughter was sending me photos last night of her decorating he's helped her with.. but I still feel horrible inside.

I know it's a long read. I just don't know what to do. My head is battling itself.

OP posts:
SkipToTheLight · 24/03/2025 07:25

If he’s involved with lots of agencies, it might be someone related to that. A counsellor, housing officer or something?

The bigger question is are you willing to tolerate this level of turbulence, worry and stress - when you’re not even in a relationship any more? Is it really worth it?

You’ve been very supportive. Maybe it’s time to cut things off completely and take a proper break.

LollyLand · 24/03/2025 07:34

I wouldn’t want anything to do with him and his drama. End it and cut him out.

Laundrybasket11 · 24/03/2025 07:36

SkipToTheLight · 24/03/2025 07:25

If he’s involved with lots of agencies, it might be someone related to that. A counsellor, housing officer or something?

The bigger question is are you willing to tolerate this level of turbulence, worry and stress - when you’re not even in a relationship any more? Is it really worth it?

You’ve been very supportive. Maybe it’s time to cut things off completely and take a proper break.

He seemed to be hopping allover trying to say he didn't know her but then being completely dumb about it. But it's a new entry. I dont know what to think. It feels to me like he's met someone in the hotel or on the train. Or someone from that situation he was in.

I feel so down because I miss him terribly. We were happy once and when he's with me I feel settled and happy. Comforted. But the minute he's not with me I'm riddled with anxiety. Worried about his safety. Worried about who he's communicating with.

But I feel like when he does move. He will meet new people and I genuinely don't see how we can make it work. I dont believe In any of it anymore. Yet I love him. Not so much now. But for the first 3 years of knowing him he was the first time I truly felt so much love and emotion towards a man. I have had boyfriends before. But he felt like the one. But now he doesn't really and I feel abit stuck with the realisation of letting go and how much that's going to hurt me. But it almost feels essential. Or do I just disconnect emotionally now and see what happens. I dont know.

OP posts:
JustWalkingTheDogs · 24/03/2025 07:39

It sounds far too much drama for me. Do yourself a favour and dump him and move on.

Laundrybasket11 · 24/03/2025 07:44

JustWalkingTheDogs · 24/03/2025 07:39

It sounds far too much drama for me. Do yourself a favour and dump him and move on.

I know that's how I do feel. But I feel cruel when he has no home. No plan. He's kind of counting on us all to be there whilst he sorts his life out.

OP posts:
YourLuckyPearlGoose · 24/03/2025 07:50

Could it be a code for some sort of police helpline in case the past catches up with him? Or maybe someone who helps with his addiction/recovery? Assuming he was also involved in that stuff as a lot of his contacts were.

YipYapYop · 24/03/2025 07:55

Wait what - is he involved with drugs and drug dealing?

Lurkingandlearning · 24/03/2025 08:03

Four years isn’t nothing so feeling sad that the relationship has probably reached its end is normal. Being sad about what has happened to him is normal. But if you stay with him because of what might have been or misplaced duty you will be doing yourself a disservice.

It seems he kept you in the dark as his problems evolved, never giving you the option of deciding if the choices he was making were acceptable to you. I think you should cut the cord. Let him start afresh where he has relocated to and wish him well. And start afresh yourself

Lurkingandlearning · 24/03/2025 08:07

YipYapYop · 24/03/2025 07:55

Wait what - is he involved with drugs and drug dealing?

Sounds more like cuckooing to me

TheseCalmSeas · 24/03/2025 08:11

You’re not in a relationship anymore so please stop, for your own sake.

Get some space and distance between you. The drama is insanity and surely this is not the life you want nor deserve?

PlasticBags · 24/03/2025 08:31

TheseCalmSeas · 24/03/2025 08:11

You’re not in a relationship anymore so please stop, for your own sake.

Get some space and distance between you. The drama is insanity and surely this is not the life you want nor deserve?

Yes, this. His contacts with addicts and dealers are not your problem any more, and you should not see his personal drama as the relationship being renewed.

And if you’re the same poster who posted recently about how you were spending your final night with your partner who was about to go and live with his daughter because he was at risk because of petty criminals who lived in his area, only said partner didn’t realise this was a star-crossed lovers’ final night and was asleep on the sofa — the advice will be the same as on that thread.

The relationship ended for a reason. Thetes definitely no reason to renew it. He’s a fuck up, and you should vulnerable, addicted to his drama, and as though you have terrible judgement.

YipYapYop · 24/03/2025 10:02

I think if you are considering getting back together, you should wait until he has his new place and life settled.

Right now it sounds like your romantic feelings for him are getting mixed up with a sense of responsibility for him.

Do you want an equal partner or someone to look after?

If you get back together and he moves in he'll lose the help from the council and be completely dependent on you.

Subwaystop · 24/03/2025 15:20

PlasticBags · 24/03/2025 08:31

Yes, this. His contacts with addicts and dealers are not your problem any more, and you should not see his personal drama as the relationship being renewed.

And if you’re the same poster who posted recently about how you were spending your final night with your partner who was about to go and live with his daughter because he was at risk because of petty criminals who lived in his area, only said partner didn’t realise this was a star-crossed lovers’ final night and was asleep on the sofa — the advice will be the same as on that thread.

The relationship ended for a reason. Thetes definitely no reason to renew it. He’s a fuck up, and you should vulnerable, addicted to his drama, and as though you have terrible judgement.

Yes! Good catch, sounds like the same story. This poster seems to have an addiction to this awful man. My sympathies are with her but if she wants to help herself she needs to go cold turkey.

outerspacepotato · 24/03/2025 15:31

Your 4 years is sunk cost.

This guy is trouble and unreliable. Unless you get off on being a martyr and taken for a ride, block him.

So much for last night.

Teenagequeenwithaloadedgun · 24/03/2025 15:35

Have you posted about him before & not seeing him again because of his addictions? I'm thinking of the same post as PlasticBags.

If the answer is yes, I can't understand why you're still with him.

ShaunaSadeki · 24/03/2025 15:38

Have you posted a couple of times before? One of the threads was called something like “our last night together?”. He is a heavy cannabis user or something? If that wasn’t you, then some of the replies might help if you can find the threads.

ShaunaSadeki · 24/03/2025 15:39

Oh cross posts with others!

BobbyBiscuits · 24/03/2025 15:44

Even if you were in a relationship with him, which you're not, you don't have the right to scrutinise and police every single person he speaks to.

He's dead right he can talk to who he likes. As can you or I or anyone. You sound like you're too obsessive and controlling about him and his life.

He's a grown man. Maybe he's got problems but you can't solve them. He's not stable enough to be in a relationship with anyone and you have been there. It didn't work.

Just get on with your own life and stop involving yourself in his.

TwinklyRoseTurtle · 24/03/2025 15:52

Did you post about something similar a while ago when he was moving to stay with his daughter away from all the trouble? If it was you I’m sure you were told at the time to leave him if not you then I would just advise you the same

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread