Loving but sexless marriage - am I doing the right thing?

[MidlifeMuttering]

I’d originally composed this as a reply to someone in a loving but sexless marriage but the post was removed before I’d finished typing.

I’m looking for the same guidance - ideally from people that have experienced it.

My husband is a wonderful human being, a wonderful father (teenage kids), we have no issues except that he has no sexual desire. Lots of lovely cuddles but not sexual intimacy. It would make things much easier if he were a total bastard, or ever a bit of one, but he’s not.

He’s been to the doctor. Testosterone levels apparently normal, although he now has erectile dysfunction. We’ve tried sex with viagra and, although it works physically, it doesn’t bring desire. And that’s not fun. After years of trying to initiate things, I’ve stopped trying. On the rare occasion sex has happened, it felt like we were both going through the motions.

He suffers from work stress, which he says is a contributor. He also blames being unfit and not having time. I really don’t think he’s gay, and I’m in pretty fit condition, take care of myself, and look after him - so not unattractive to a basic male.

I’ve almost ended the relationship so many times but I feel that I (he & the kids) would lose more than I might potentially (and selfishly?) gain.

A few years ago I starting seeing a man (also in a sexless marriage). We are not in love but get on really well and have great, no strings, sex every month or so. The arrangement gives me the attention and satisfaction I need to take the pressure off other areas of my life. I have not told my husband, but before the affair I did ask him if he’d want to know if I did start one to solve our predicament. He said no. Obviously it’s not the perfect situation but it’s working for now.

I’m sure I’ll be judged by this post but I wanted to let the previous OP know that I utterly felt for them and the emotional rollercoaster it is. Yes, sex is very important to a marriage but if every other box is ticked, it is possibly madness to throw it away. Maybe I’m wrong? Kind advice welcome.

I do think to keep sexual desire going in a very long term relationship you have to know how to understand human desire responses.
What made you want to rip his clothes off in the initial stages was " otherness" you had hormones going wild , and so did he, for that initial limmerance.
Limmerance is important for starting a relationship because without it you wouldn't bother!
It is essential and biological wired in us because we wouldn't go on to mate, have babies without it.
Once it's served it's purpose, hopefully the hormones turn into nurturing and we muddle along for a few more years.
The danger happens for Women when those nurturing hormones have done their job and the limmerance feelings come back.
If you are with a man who you have had your children with and they don't or cannot arouse the limmerance you have a problem.
It's not a woman verses man problem by any means, it's just biology.
I don't have the answers either 🙄😂

How disappointing they did something like this and prevented the op froM having a safe space. Makes me think twice about being on here if they use people’s problems for traffic and advertising .

I was kind of the same situation, my marriage was sexless, it was more like we were living in a house share than a marriage, he couldn't be bothered, the only time we had sex in 6 years was when he raped me when he found out I had been to see a solicitor about divorcing him. I would end the marriage, find your freedom & enjoy your no strings sex but don't be put off the idea of meeting someone else.

I don’t blame you. I do view sex as essential in a marriage, and could not be happy without it, so would do the same as you.

If sex is important for you it’s important. On the other side of it it’s important to dh and it was let slide by me because I was bloody wrecked with life and now our marriage is on the floor. I love him but he doesn’t know if he loves me any more and the things that I personally would have said showed how much we love each other- the chats, the laughs, the cups of teas and walks, the nights in having the best time- they’re all gone. You can’t help how you feel but make a choice quickly- I’d be broken if dh had an affair, I’d rather he ended it first

I really hope your DH/DP is faithful to you. I can only imagine what it would feel like to sacrifice that part of your relationship out of love for someone to find they have been receiving it elsewhere. I can imagine someone snapping.

Funny you should say that. It's one of my biggest fears that his excuses are all just a cover up and one day, I'll find I was just taken for a mug. 🤬 . I have no doubts I would snap after all these years of deprivation.

Yep - my DH.

I on the other hand…more like the OP.

And this is precisely why MN shouldnt share stuff like this on socials On the deleted thread i posted about a post i saw a couple of months ago An Mner said her mild mannered no libido husband suddenly turned very nasty when she asked for and began the divorce process. A situation like this absoloutely can be about control and abuse but many on here will deny this.

So sorry to hear what you went through @Nat6999

It's never easy. I've been with my husband for 26 years. Married 21 years. But I still want sex with him.

He's a natural flirt, a lot of women come on to him until he introduces me as his wife.

And if I'm getting chatted up, he's soon there saying, oh, you've met my wife I see ..

Ẁe are in a small professional community. Word would soon get around. If kept within our usual group.

But I don't want just sex. I want intimacy that leads to sex. Is that to much to ask?

I'm not judging you at all.

But in my experience, a sexless marriage that's a good relationship in every other respect isn't really a thing (unless perhaps both partners are on the same page). A specific medical problem aside, I think that there's always a reason why one partner doesn't want sex, and glossing over it, either with or without a side arrangement like yours, just kicks the can down the road.

Withholding is a control issue. It can often be extremely difficult to see control dynamics in a relationship but my advice would be to take a closer look at what your husband gets out of withholding something that's important to you.

Sex is important in any relationship and it’s your need so nobody should judge you on that.
I do believe that fitness and health does play a part in it aswell, if you are healthy and fit you can release some stress through that and also you have more energy and typically a better mood. Maybe your husband could look at that if he’s happy to work on your relationship.
If your husband genuinely doesn’t have any interest in sex anymore would he be open to you having a fwb or would you need to keep your current situation secret?
Mine and my wife’s sex life has fallen off a cliff and we probably average once every three months if I’m lucky and it’s a real struggle as it went from multiple times a week to nearly non existent and even now it seems an effort.

You've found a good solution.

I feel the same way as you. Things aren't going smoothly in that department but our relationship is so much bigger than that now. I'd be happy to let it go.

Cheating can't ever be justified..my sexless marriage is due to e.d and we pleasure each other in the other ways instead now.

I agree. There are other ways to be close and intimate without actual intercourse. Mature relationships go through all sorts, including with sex, and you find a way to work together on it.

Sounds like a good compromise, go for it

It’s just sex.
it’s not worth breaking up a marriage about.
You’re doing the right thing. Ideally your husband would want sex with you, but he doesn’t. So it’s either resent him, get it elsewhere or divorce.

just make sure you don’t fall pregnant

Not all men in your DHs situation will do that though.

@MidlifeMuttering Well done on taking matters into your own hands and finding a solution for your enforced celibacy. I think your solution would suit me. I'd love sex (with my wife) a couple of times a week but, given that's never going to happen, sex with someone else once a month would be lovely. However, I can't get my head round the practicalities: how did you meet your lover? where do you go to have sex? what do you tell your husband when this happens?