I can’t stand this anymore

[RMC19]

My ‘D’P had an argument with DM about a year ago, and he will NOT shut up about it. I completely lost my shit tonight, and threw things at him. I know that is a completely unhinged and the wrong reaction, but honestly I think he driving me mad.

His family live about 4 hours away so are not on hand to help, but they are extremely good with the kids when we see them.
My DM is a bit annoying. She has a habit of not knowing when to leave, and being a bit flaky when it comes to childcare. Otherwise DM is as helpful as she can be(not to his standards), and inoffensive. There are far worse MILs in the world.

I’ve told him to stop expecting anything of her, she doesn’t owe us childcare, and just stay out of each other’s way. I’ve told him to stop speaking to me about her.
It’s like he thinks he’s had a child with her?! If she isn’t free to look after the kids when he wants, then he calls her names and complains relentlessly. He’s goes on,and on, and on about how neglectful she is as a grandmother. When she does try to see the kids then she’s ’using them to fill up her social calendar, because she’s bored’. It’s so fucking weird, and I’m so fucking sick of listening to it. I can’t do it anymore.

The argument they had was because he was making ‘jokes’ which were actually just sly digs, and she took offence.

Today he told me to ‘make sure your mum doesn’t come anywhere near us’ and that he was having a ‘daddy/DD’ day. At midday he decided to go the pub to meet his mate and watch football.. cue ‘why don’t you drop DD round to your mums. She wants to go’. DM had made other plans, so DD stayed with me. No problem.
At 7pm he came home from the pub (2 hours later than he said he would be) and asked if DD had been with DM. He went absolutely ballistic calling her all sorts of names, ‘useless c*’ ‘is there anyone more useless in the world than your fucking mum’ rant and raving. Who the fuck does he think he is?!

I really want to leave him, but he is just so difficult. I have never met anyone like him. I know he will absolutely torment me.
I have let so much slide over the years.

**sorry there’s so much swearing in this post. I am just so livid.

He is awful and inappropriate. He is a parent not your mum! To come home under the influence like that. It sounds like he’s become obsessed with finding fault with you mum.

Do you want to say more about "so much I've let slide over the years"? It sounds like this getting at your mum is just one more thing....
How old is DD? What's his relationship with his mum like?

It kind of feels like the swearing about your mum is his way of putting you down, and like he’s completely checked out of any kind of loving relationship. A good, decent man doesn’t behave like this.

He sounds a right prick. How dare he talk about your mum that way? Or his own. Entitled wanker, wants it both ways.

You lost control of yourself and threw stuff at him?! Leave the relationship before it turns into even more of a shitshow with your poor child stuck in the middle.

Isn't he absolutely tormenting you now?!

You're behaving in ways you are probably ashamed of and it seems to be getting worse.

It seems like a terrible environment to bring up your dc in.

Time to split.

He doesn't sound very good tbh

Does he try to control all the women im his life? Presumably your mom doesn't bend ro his will, so he's turned against her?

I wouldn't be with a mofo who called my mother out of her name, so presumably you're taking steps to leave.

He's been a shit partner to you, is disrespectful about your mother; so please leave before he gets round to your daughter.

This man sounds insane.

He doesn't like women standing up to him and not knowing their place.

Your mum's place is to take care of his child whenever he snaps his fingers and he doesn't like that she doesn't.

He sounds utterly obnoxious and I am guessing this is just the tip of the iceberg. If you can get rid, I would.

Thank you so much to everyone for taking the time to read and respond.

I don’t even know where to begin.

I’ve been in a relationship with him for 7 years, and we have 2 kids, DD6 and DS1.

All the red flags were there at the beginning. He essentially love bombed me, but had moments of absolutely freak behaviour e.g. I took a bit too long getting ready on a city break once, and he completely berated me for hours over it. He also told me a few things that he then contradicted and I realised weren’t true - harmless things, but weird things to lie about e.g. he told me a story about his dad, but months later told me the same story featuring his uncle?!

Unfortunately, at that time my self esteem was in the gutter after a really rough period.
As you have probably figured from DD age, I got pregnant really quickly. It wasn’t planned, but I’ve always questioned whether he did it on purpose to keep me under his control. I know I’ll get questions of why I didn’t leave, but I was on a minimum wage job and felt completely trapped. To be honest, I didn’t realise what I was dealing with.

He’s been completely unreasonable and vile to me over the years. He’s called me every name, my family members every name. He coerced me to get his way constantly. I do everything around the house. I do everything for the kids. Things would set him off, and he’ll obsess, and rant and rave about them for weeks.
I found myself constantly lying to him, because I knew what would trigger him in to a verbal frenzy eg. we didn’t have a car for a bit, and he didn’t like me walking to my dad’s house with DD in the pram. His reason was because ‘it’s a busy main road’, so I had to pretend I was taking her to park every time I visited my dad (who has mobility issues and physically couldn’t come to me).
If I tried to leave he’d laugh at me and say he wasn’t going anywhere, and ‘he’d ruin my life’, or he’d say I was evil because his family don’t live here and he doesn’t have anybody else.

About 3 years ago he got drunk on holiday and made a complete scene, upset me, and upset DD. It was like be was just possessed by pure evil. I took her and got a flight home. We lived apart for 2 weeks. Of course he couldn’t have been more sorry, and he managed to talk me round to not ‘break up our family’.
He became the perfect partner, doing loads around the house and really helpful with DD. He also started taking anti anxiety medication, and he seen a therapist. Things were much better and I wasn’t living my life worrying about setting him off.

Of course the facade has slipped. He’s nowhere near as bad as before, so I wonder if that’s why I’ve been putting up with him. His behaviour is still completely unacceptable at times, but because it’s been slightly muted it doesn’t seem as bad?
He’s lazy again. He rants and raves when something annoys him. He does the bare minimum with the kids.

I’m completely done with him, but I am so scared of leaving because he will do everything in his power or make my life hell.

His relationship with his own mum is great. She is a lovely person, and very mild mannered. He talks to her all the time, but I know he rants and raves at her too. When his parents stay with us he is constantly bossing them about, he has them looking after the kids every second. I will try to help with them, but he’ll send me upstairs or out of the house saying ‘they never get any time with them, go away’. He’s like a puppet master ffs. Everything is dictated by him.

Completely obsessed with finding fault. He makes snide remarks about her EVERY day. He uses the old classic ‘I’m joking, calm down’ mainly. Hilarious. But when he’s had a drink then his true colours will really come out, and he’ll call her horrible names and goad me about her.

Op I’d guess he’s comparing how his parents would be if they lived nearby? As in he’s thinking ‘well my mum would’ etc. maybe he’s raging you are all living so far from his family but that excuses nothing. Are you both at the stage where you could sit down and have a talk without losing it? Do you love him at all? Sorry you’re going through this

If you split up, yes, it'll be hell but the chances are, after a while, he will get involved with someone else and start making their lives a misery and consequently have less time for making yours one.

And in the meantime you won't be living with it 24/7 and will be able to show your dc an alternative way of living.

Staying just means more of the same forever and the continuing backsliding into worse behaviours. And your own behaviour getting out of control.

He is openly abusing your mum, I suspect he is doing the same to you. Gather your strength and leave him. Have done counselling op. The red flags were there at the beginning, and you need to work out why you didn’t run for the hills back then. Your poor dd and mum.

I’m so sorry you are going through this. And your DD, who will be greatly affected no matter how much you try and shield her, which I bet you do. How is she?

Would you be able to call or message Womens Aid, they give great advice and won’t push you into any action you don’t want to take?