Surviving divorce from coercive controller

[StrawberryBlon]

I’m looking for tips for surviving divorce from my H who has been coercively controlling for many years, and has added financial bullying to his repertoire in the last 9 months. I have a 6 and 4 year old. How do you keep it together, and not despair? What’s it like on the other side?

What stage of the divorce process are you at OP? What is he doing that you need to cope with?

I'm going through this now. I cope by trying to see the funny side to his ridiculous attempts to financially control/abuse me (he refuses to get legal advice - obviously he knows better than any solicitor, despite seeming to get all of his information from Reddit ) and by reminding myself that there's no point worrying about what I can't control.

Sending strength OP

Keep contact with him to a minimum. And that means not engaging in back and forth emails defending your position or explaining yourself (he never listens anyway right?!)

to the extent you can try and develop your financial independence. If you don’t need to rely on him, he can’t wield finance as a weapon

Next he’ll try and weaponise the kids - at some point. Just always maintain the high ground and again don’t get drawn into explaining to your kids. Just say you wish Daddy wasn’t mean / talked about this stuff etc etc

I look back and laugh now. My life has moved forward and he is a miserable vitriolic mess. don’t give him any power you don’t have to!

Hi @Cryingatthegym
I LOLed at the ‘refusing to get legal advice’: mine has declared more than once ‘the law is CLEAR!’ when I’ve tried to point out facts that he disagrees with, and for which he has refused to seek his own advice. He’s driving the process and trying to go as fast as he can. He’s trying to scare me into selling our house, and threatening dramatic gestures: we can’t afford for us to live separately but he’s making ultimatums about getting somewhere with very short timelines to try and pressure me.

Ive no idea where I am in the process: his version of a fair settlement is to leave me without enough money to house our children; meanwhile he has business valued at multiple millions he denies I have any claim to. We’ve loads and loads we have to sort out but he has told me he wants to wrap it up ‘without further expense’ (as in we ‘discuss’ between ourselves and get it done super fast).

it’s the despair I’m really worried about.

im so sorry you’ve got similar going on. Where do these men come from.

Whilst he's rushing you through divorce process I'm sure if you look back he rushed you through the dating process into commitment and marriage. Typical coercive behaviour trying to keep you off balance.
Remember to breathe and take steps at your own pace whilst my situation didn't involve 'divorce' it was an horrendous situation to free myself from. keep strong believe your own narrative and refuse to be bullied with his idle threats. .... hugs

Don’t agree to anything. See a solicitor and if needs be they can agree to take their fees from the financial split after the divorce/ house / business is sold. My divorce was an utter nightmare and took me more than 4 years. Don’t regret divorcing at all. I am free. My life is my own. You can do it too x

I got through it with the support of a couple of close friends and immediate family, one of whom was going through her own particularly difficult divorce at the time (not that they aren’t difficult in general anyway). It’s a process with a long ‘to do’ list and it takes time, but you will get to the end, one step at a time. On the toughest days I would get through them by reminding myself that there were going to be better days ahead, things were getting ticked off the list, and I needed to hang in there and be patient. Make sure you get everything in writing. Avoid agreeing anything without first getting your solicitor’s advice, they are on your side and do this day in day out, as does his solicitor, so they both know what is and isn’t reasonable and will advise you accordingly. In my case he was at fault and I would dearly have loved to have cleaned him out, but due to the size of our joint pot (enough for us each to afford a modest property suitable for ourselves and room for the kids, who were in secondary), she advised I wouldn’t get more than 50%. But I know of friends who had younger kids and a smaller pot, and lower earning potential than their STBXHs who did get more than half the pot so they could house themselves and their children.

Use your solicitor, don’t let him bully you into any decisions, avoid contact because he’ll try to control the situation if you let him, let it take the time it takes, be kind to yourself, put yourself and your kids first, have friends who are willing to listen, or use a counselling service if you need to, (your GP or Women’s Aid can help). It’s a tough journey but you will be stronger and it will be worth it in the end. It felt like I got a fresh start and a chance to do things my way for the first time in a long time, I am in control of my life now and it’s very empowering. Sending hugs, you can do this.

He is no longer the boss of you. Keep repeating it to yourself. Whatever he says, carries no weight. You will probably have to go all the way through the court to get what is rightfully yours and your children's.

The more you push back, the worse he will get. Do not let him drive the process. Do you have legal representation? If you haven't, you should. If you can't afford it, contact https://www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/ they can support you.

It gets bumpy, you need to focus on a peaceful and happy life, that is the prize for going through this.

Obviously there's still life shit to deal with, but it is my shit and I'm in control of it. It's not been sprung on me to unbalance me and make me anxious.

Having said that, I can tell you that I never realised you can be happy every day. I often catch myself and I'm just grinning. Keep going, it is worth it.

Have you got a solicitor OP? Please don't let him pressure you into anything without taking legal advice. A solicitor will help you determine what's a fair and reasonable outcome for you

If you can get Legal Aid then mediation will be free, but it's not really recommended when there's been abuse. I gave it a shot anyway in an attempt to save money on court costs and it's been a car crash so far.