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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Elderly mother and her bullying, anyone else?

4 replies

woolypromise · 23/03/2025 21:31

My DM is a bully. But she would probably just say she is truthful and upfront and the issue is me. I am far too sensitive.

I am so sorry for how long this post may become, I have no idea what I need from you guys other than perhaps kindness. I hate my how my life is at the moment.

I have an older sister by 2 years, and a younger half DB by 17 years for context.

My mother is 75 next month. She remarried after divorcing my dad, and she married quite well. They now live abroad in a warmer climate. They have a place in our home country which I now rent since moving from abroad 3 years ago after catching Covid in 2020 and never fully recovered after embolism in my lung.

Every time they come over they stay at their place, the place I rent. They are fine the first day or so, then the bullying starts and honestly its relentless. She is very cunning how she goes about this bullying, she will not do this in front of anyone else, it will just be me and her and she is horrid. This is something she has always done to us siblings, with my DB and DS being in very low contact. Which I would be too if it were not for me renting their place.

My DM has no health issues, and is sharp, no dementia, this bullying goes as far as I remember.

On the outside mum is a nice posh lady. But she will say the most hurtful things about people closest to her to me, demeaning thing. No idea why she has the need, but she will never say things in earshot of anyone else, including her DH.
She is openly racist. Obviously these people have zero knowledge of how she feels about them as she is super sweet to their face.

So, when I had to move back home I thought I was quite fortunate to be able to rent their empty place cheaply, but saw renting their place as a temporary solution until I recovered, went back to work but my health has been declining so this will take longer than I estimated, so I am still here 3 years in.

Now they are coming back in a weeks time and I am dreading it. She only just told me this yesterday. So I am panicking. I cannot under any circumstances tolerate the bullying form DM. I feel terribly stuck. I have not enough funds to rent privately as rentals are high in our city and as I have had to stop work a couple of years ago after the emboli I have been receiving benefits. I feel so stuck. They are staying for a month this time with their last stay being over 2 months, with me having to leave to a air B&B a month in due to DM, and we did not talk for the reminder of their stay due to her bullying. There is no room at my siblings as DB has a new baby, and DS is having repairs done. I feel trapped and really low.

I am just venting, there is so much more to this story but I dont want to bore anyone, and if you managed to read this far, thank you.

OP posts:
Blackbookofsmiles1 · 24/03/2025 01:37

Why can’t you say no? If they were renting it out to someone in the public, they wouldn’t be able to just come and stay.

You need to move and sort out your own situation so you are not reliant on their handout.

Genuineweddingone · 24/03/2025 13:49

Please go and find the 'We took you to stately homes' threads. A lot of us have nasty mothers like yours unfortunately and they will never change they are just happiest when making our lives a misery. Only they know why.

If you are paying actual rent and have a rental agreement then you are well within your rights to say no they cannot stay.

Gymnopedie · 24/03/2025 15:40

If you are paying actual rent and have a rental agreement then you are well within your rights to say no they cannot stay.

That may be true in law but I don't think the DM would take the slightest bit of notice. She might even tell OP to leave (permanently) which OP can't afford to do.

OP can you accept that she's a nasty piece of work and let it wash over you? Mentally stick your middle finger up at her? I know it's horrible, but it's not personal. She's like that with everyone. So don't take it to heart. Given that you need the house I think it's the only thing you can do. How often does she stay?

CreationNat1on · 24/03/2025 15:51

Grey rock,
Noise cancelling head phones,
Record her bitchiness,
Plan ahead escape options, - early to bed, gym, cinema, walks.

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