Dating a widower

[PoisedPinkCat]

I've been dating this guy for a couple months, things are going great, I haven't been this happy in a long time BUT ...
last night he took me to his mom's house for dinner. He cooked dinner, we all got along great, it was a wonderful time, but something happened as we were sitting down at the table and I'm not sure how to feel about it. He asked his mom to move to the next chair over, the reason being that his late wife, who passed away over 4 years ago, used to sit in that chair. After that we continued with dinner, he prepared a wonderful meal, it was a fantastic night. Is the chair thing a red flag or am I reading too much into it? We have great chemistry and he is very expressive about his feelings for me, I just wonder if it's too good to be true. I appreciate any feedback. Sorry for the lengthy post

i personally wouldnt say it’s a red flag that he did that. He may just feel funny about someone sitting in the seat that his late wife used to sit on.it’s probably weird for him but i really wouldn’t look too much into it especially as things are going so well! :)

Thank you! That helps so much more than you know! I've been out of the dating game for a while. I forgot what its like to open up. Its a lil scary. Thanks again! :))

Takes a particular kind of person who can co-exist alongside the late spouse. You need to remember that the widow is a widow because of death not divorce - most likely, their marriage/relationship ended tragically, not because of a lack of love, growing apart or the relationship running it's course. The late spouse isn't, and will never be, a simple 'ex' - there's every chance the late spouse will be truly loved by the widower forever. Worrying about chairs and who sits where is the very least of your worries - it's the thinnest end of the wedge when entering a relationship with a widower. But if you can do it the rewards are immense - widows/widowers are a special breed.

How has he been when you've been to his place? Has he commented or been funny about you sitting anywhere in particular, or doing anything?

Grief does funny things but they don’t all last forever. I’d give him a chance.

Like PP maybe it seemed weird, and perhaps because you were there that added to him feeling guilty or sad or whatever. We can't really know or imagine. It also may have been in that moment. I don't think it's a red flag.

I agree that the chair issue isn’t anything to worry about. Not a red flag!

What ‘ red flags’ in this context really means is are there signs he is reluctant to commit to you, emotionally unavailable for you, sort of frozen in the grieving process?

Overall it doesn’t sound like he is locked in the past, it sounds like his grieving process has progressed over the past four years.

I’ve been dating a widower too- for several years now. I just accept that there are times- mostly birthdays, anniversaries etc where he will be a little sad and contemplative. I just think that reconfirms he is a decent person, it would be quite ruthless if he erased memories completely.

I think when dating a widower you have to be quite secure and sort of feel that you know he's lucky to have found you now. You need to be confident in your own worth and what you bring to the relationship but be respectful of the deceased wife and accommodate any periods of grief, and any memories and triggers.

No, not at all. That was actually my first thought. I wondered what if I had sat there. Would he have asked me to move? How would I have reacted? He'll speak of her in conversation once in a while, but it doesn't bother me at all, i think it's sweet. We're really hitting it off, to the point where I wonder if it's too good to be true. I'm not used to being this happy.

I was actually the one that was reluctant to commit in the beginning. I pushed him away but he was so persistent and he's such a sweetheart. He he won me over. I've had bad luck with relationships in the past, I'm not used to being happy. He's so good to me, I guess I keep waiting for something to burst my bubble.

He will mention her in conversation, think it's sweet. And I agree, it does reconfirm his decency and his heart. Sometimes I wonder if maybe he's feeling guilty because we are hitting it off so well.

But yeah, I think you hit the nail on the head. It's my own insecurities getting the better of me. He says he's never been happier. Quite frankly, neither have I. Somehow that scares me.

Just keep on being secure! He’s lucky to have found you.