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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

It's an in-laws one!

6 replies

CatsWhiskerz · 22/03/2025 20:59

Not even sure how to feel. My MIL has always been a narcissist, she was awful to my DH as a child, he's the non- favourite child too( example was she put a bowl of hot soup over his head when he said he didn't like soup, always putting him down, he was a wreck when I met him at uni.
She's always been a queen wasp, thinks she's better than everyone else. Since us having children she's been very 'waspy' with them as they've got older, to the point where she's been direct, upset our children and I've walked out, taking the kids/ DH etc home.
DH has literally lived with this regime since birth and can't handle her at all, she is enabled by everyone, or, they ignore her / don't visit, they at in their 70's now with very few friends or family who visit. Got a rare meeting tomorrow, MIL will likely have limited life as she's got a terminal medical problem that will blow at any time. FIL is nice, but enabler and very weak, so useless.
I'm persona non grata as I won't put up with her being a bitch to my children. I'm getting to the point where I just don't want to visit, but tomorrow it's been my, DH and DC birthday this last month and they want us to come visit - I just can't face it. If I don't go, The kids won't go either. I feel for my DH as it's his mum and she's dying but I'm not exactly well myself and it's a lot of energy for me to go, but I'd never stop him from being with his mum.
Not sure what I'm asking for. I know DH is a problem for putting up with it, but as my counsellor has said, he's literally born and grown up into this so it's hard for him, plus it's his mum. Ug - kind or supportive words will be well received. I've been here 30 years I have had a full history, much of which is marred or spoiled by her behaviour

OP posts:
simpledeer · 22/03/2025 21:02

Are you worried about him going on his own? Will she be even more abusive without your presence?

I wouldn’t see her or expose my DC to her.

LighthouseTeaCup · 22/03/2025 21:33

Play bingo. Make a list of all the awful things you're expecting her to do and say and play bingo. Making the absolutely awful into dark humour helps.

Are your kids teens? They could join in. There are phone apps to create bingo cards

Create a signal between you to show each other that you recognise the narcissistic behaviour and are offering silent comfort to each other

Or agree to decompress on the car ride home. A full on bitching session. Who can tell the stories of the days awful moments in the most humourous or most exaggerated way

CatsWhiskerz · 22/03/2025 21:39

I think I don't know how to deal with it. She's going to die soon, I don't want to make my DH not see his mum, he needs to make that choice. I want to support DH but protect my DC (teens). It's a horrible mess to be honest

OP posts:
CatsWhiskerz · 22/03/2025 21:40

lol @LighthouseTeaCup we simply bingo 🤣

OP posts:
londongirl12 · 22/03/2025 21:52

LighthouseTeaCup · 22/03/2025 21:33

Play bingo. Make a list of all the awful things you're expecting her to do and say and play bingo. Making the absolutely awful into dark humour helps.

Are your kids teens? They could join in. There are phone apps to create bingo cards

Create a signal between you to show each other that you recognise the narcissistic behaviour and are offering silent comfort to each other

Or agree to decompress on the car ride home. A full on bitching session. Who can tell the stories of the days awful moments in the most humourous or most exaggerated way

See I don’t think it should even go this far.

you and your DH should agree that as soon as she says something remotely awful to either of you or DC, then you just get up and leave. I don’t know how he hasn’t gone NC years ago. Just because someone is dying doesn’t give them any more rights over how you feel. Your DC are learning that someone can treat you horrendously, and you just have to put up with it.

CatsWhiskerz · 22/03/2025 22:31

I agree @londongirl12 - I think the children have always just said 'mums like that' the soup thing was a family 'joke' but actually it's not acceptable or normal! I grew up with a weird family so except more than I should but when my children started getting some of it then I just saw it for what it was, bullying, narc behaviours, bitchy behaviours etc

OP posts:
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