I have posted before about my relationship and had some wonderful helpful replies which I really appreciated. We are still struggling and I guess I am hoping maybe someone will have some insight as to why I am feeling the way I am feeling. We have struggled with a complete lack of emotional and physical intimacy that has become worse since I fell pregnant with our first child 4 years ago. It's been an exceptionally stressful few years as our elder child had a regression around the time of his first birthday and is likely autistic although low needs and doing fantastically well now with a little bit of extra love and support. I found the regression incredibly traumatic and I'm not sure I have ever properly dealt with it to be honest. It has absolutely changed me as a person and I know I'm not the fun bubbly person my partner fell in love with but I also just felt so alone during that time as my partner is one to just ignore things and shut down and I never felt I was able to discuss it with him. Even now he tends to ignore our older boys needs and becomes uncomfortable talking about anything to do with autism etc. Anyway we have not had sex in over 2 years now - we are both on antidepressants which I know can have a negative impact on libido etc however I do fantasize and think often about having sex with other men so it's not like I have lost all interest. I have spent the last 4 years basically begging for more physical touch and affection- I've always struggled with the lack of this in our relationship after the initial few years. I really tried to be realistic and try to meet in the middle but I feel hes never met me in the middle in regards to this and honestly I feel like over the years that part of my has just completely shut down. We are now doing couples counselling and I can really feel that he is trying to implement some of the communication strategies the counsellar has talked about but I almost feel like I am pushing him away and just being awful because I'm not even sure I want things to get better anymore. A few weeks ago I told him I was ready to leave and he begged us to give the counselling a try. I care for him a lot, he is a wonderful dad to our 2 boys although there have been a lot of other things I have struggled with including I believe undiagnosed adhd, lack of initiative in the relationship and with our children, needing prompting or asking to do the most basic tasks like bath the kids or brush their teeth or get pajamas on. Wont do the dishes unless specifically asked - even asked me the other day "do you want me to do the dishes". I feel like I've slowly lost respect and attraction for him and I'm not sure if I can get it back? I've gone from desperate for him to touch me to not wanting it at all. If he hugs me now i struggle to even wrap my arms around him. I cannot ever imagine having sex with him again. I feel like the years of unresolved arguments, bickering, disrespectful comments (on my part also), not feeling important or special to him in anyway have taken their toll and damaged the relationship beyond repair. I have told him i don't feel loved and haven't for a long time and he insists he does love me but is this just bullshit - surely love is shown?? I feel really stuck and sad and unsure how to proceed. Is there any point in continuing with the counselling if I have already checked out. Is it likely my feelings can change again? Or do we proceed with organizing seperqtion while the kids are young. I feel absolutely heartbroken at the thought of breaking up my family especially as our oldest boy thrives on routine and predictability but I also know he Is picking up on the constant tension and that it's not good for him. Help me please!! Any insight greatly appreciated.