I've turned into a doormat wife, is recovery possible?

[Lostat55]

My husband suffered from depression for a year or two. It was really bad and some days he'd hardly speak to me. He was extremely reluctant to try medication, but eventually was persuaded. It changed his life, and mine too. He seems to be one of those people who really respond well to the drugs. He's been on the meds for over a year now and is back to 'normal' but I've noticed the dynamic of our relationship has changed.

He's always been afraid to leave his comfort zone and has strong opinions. So if I suggest something I'd like to do, if he doesn't like the idea then it's usually a quick no. It's now at the stage where for years I've gone to see films he likes, bands he likes, take holidays to countries he wants to visit. I don't even bother trying to suggest things I want to do any more. Our social life is so sparse that I'm willing to do anything he suggests just for a rare bit of couple closeness.

When he was depressed I was always trying to please him and make him happy. Somewhere along the way I lost the fight to suggest what I want from the relationship. It's so miserable to suggest things and get a 'no' so I've stopped suggesting things altogether.

I have good friends, my life is mostly happy, though my income isn't great so leaving wouldn't be easy. My relationship isn't even 'bad' now. I find dh kind and funny, if somewhat selfish. Our relationship is home stuff, bad TV, flat and disappointing. Is that just normal?! Our youngest is now nearly 18. I thought our lives would be more fun when parenting became easier, but we more or less lead separate lives socially and mostly have different interests.

I mentioned travelling abroad alone and he freaked out. I explained that if I wanted to visit X country I knew he wouldn't go, so it was my only way to fulfil this travel dream. Then I ended up telling him all of the above. I don't know why I never told him all this stuff before.

He's away seeing family, and we've agreed to talk when he gets back. I want to know if anyone has turned around a situation like this? I've been so passive where he's concerned, but I'm not like that in any other part of my life. My friends see me as assertive and forthright.

I think dh might try to make an effort to fix things, but we've both learned unhealthy roles. I'm the pleaser, he gets what he wants. Is there anyway back from this?

To complicate things further he's recently decided to convert to catholicism. I'm struggling with that as although I respect having a faith (I'd call myself a christian) the values of the catholic faith are so problematic to me. We've talked about his views on things I struggle with like abortion, homosexuality, women's rights etc. and he's given fair answers. He's basically a kind man, and isn't hardline on any of these things. But still... It's another point of difference between us when we're already struggling to have closeness and shared interests.

I know Mumsnet is quick to leap to 'leave him' so I'm not exactly sure why I'm posting here. I suppose I'm hoping for more nuanced views, or advice on next steps. He's refused couple counselling in the past and I'm almost certain he wouldn't commit to that.

Am I doomed to be forever a doormat if I stay with him, or is this marriage saveable?

What happens if you say no to something he wants to do?

It's good that you've been honest with him now OP. You may end up separating, but this way you can both give it a proper shot. I think this is salvageable if you both commit to making a change. I like @Zeitumschaltung's idea of taking turns to decide what film or band you go to see. Surely if he's a reasonable person he couldn't possibly refuse that suggestion.

OMG, I'm so pathetic I say yes to pretty much anything! It's just because we do so little. He's busy with hobbies and a real homebird. If he suggests anything vaguely date-like I'll almost always go along with it. I even watch films he chooses just to have the experience of watching stuff together. If I choose a film he'll tend to get busy on his laptop and ignore it.

I'm starting to wonder if a smart solution might be to find some regular activity we both like to do, along with making the point that he has to leave his comfort zone and do stuff I choose.

I think I have to be really clear that this has become a big problem for me, and if we can't find a solution it's not going to be a relationship that works long term. I'm nervous because I've left things so long. I've unintentionally become a passive, doormat, people pleasing wife, and compromised far too much on what I want from a relationship.

The thing is, some people don’t really get the ‘doing things together’ thing.

They’re very happy for you to do your thing, and not bothered if you don’t want to do their thing. They’d eat different food at every meal if they didn’t like what you cook, and never see an issue with that.

They might start to notice if you were effectively never in the same place at the same time, but you haven’t ever allowed that point to be reached. It never occurs to them that you are doing things together be with them rather than because you like it. It never actually occurs to them that you wouldn’t like something as amazing as Grand Prix/Boston/Model Railway exhibitions!

It’s a genuine blind spot, can I guess he’s really bad at present buying, too?

"I've been so passive where he's concerned,..."

OP, you've not been passive -please don't give yourself a hard time about that. Instead, you've actively taken steps, consciously and subconsciously, to centre his needs in order to facilitate healing from his depressive episode, and, presumably, continued to do so in an effort to prevent any kind of relapse. That's not passive; it may be a learnt response which, in time, becomes second nature as you're conditioned into this dynamic, but it definitely is not 'passive'. It is all-consuming, energy-zapping, draining of zest and exhausting can you tell I know all about it?.

You sound kind and insightful. As a PP suggests; if you change, the relationship will have to change, and this is when you'll see whether he's got it in him to rise to the challenge of co-crafting the kind of relationship you need in order to feel fulfilled and contented.

This is a lovely response. Thank you. Yes, I definitely shifted the way I acted hugely when he was depressed. It was the very worst of times, I can't believe we got through to the other side and stayed together! (It was touch and go.)

The whole dynamic of our relationship changed and hasn't recovered. I helped him avoid any challenge that might be too much, but now I need to gently persuade him to expand his world a little and think of me too.

Maybe counselling for you alone (if he won't go) would help you to decide your boundaries and how to be assertive with him, or even whether you want to leave. It's OK not to want to watch a particular film or attend a gig you won't enjoy - for him, as well as you. But it certainly helps to find some activities you can both enjoy together.

Since our dc are now more independent (though still living with us), we've started to go out together more at weekends - walks, to visit places of interest, lunches in cafes etc, and I feel I'm enjoying my free time a lot more. Prior to that we'd got into the habit of doing our own thing at weekends, usually nothing too exciting.

My DH has a tendency to do this and sometimes thinks he has a veto! Haha.
I've learned to just get on doing my own thing, mainly with friends or family members and when the occasion arises where we agree we do things together. I'm generally more up for anything so have had to just get on with it. I'd go stir crazy otherwise. However, if I hated a particular band or film there's no way I'd go and I wouldn't expect my DH to do the same for me.

Is it possible you might be over reacting to his interest in Catholicism? Most people on here will be very sneery and dismissive about it, but they don't necessarily know what they are talking about. I've recently rekindled my own faith after many years away, to my own surprise, and can confirm that as another person has said that it has not changed my own modern, feminist views. As you say, it hasn't changed his love for your daughter. It's not necessarily dogmatic in practice, everyone has to reach their own personal peace with it all and nobody's perfect. It's possible to be part of the church and respect the moral framework and the messages about love and humility, and be your own person with your own conscience. I find it a helpful antidote to so much secular, atheist materialism that causes unhappiness. So I can see how it can be appealing and comforting to someone who has been struggling with life. He must be talking to someone about this, perhaps a local priest - could you talk to whoever that is, or someone else in the church? They should listen to your concerns and be sympathetic, this can't be unusual, and might even give you some perspective or reassurance. And maybe it would be good to see a counsellor alone too, to work through your own feelings after such a difficult time. Marriage can be such hard work, but can be so worth persevering with. Good luck OP x