Lack of respect from family about my work

[OneNewOchreTurtle]

I am in my 30’s and have set up a very successful self employed business, soon hiring my first employee and tripling my earnings with the potential to be making 6 figures in the next few years. At the same time I have a husband who works away most of the time and I do everything with the household and our 2 children.

Yet my family (mother and sister’s family) have no respect for my work. My mother has in fact told me not to speak about it at birthday parties etc and to say I’m just at home (which to her is embarrassing as well). She is too ashamed to tell any of her friends what I do and just doesn’t speak about me, just about the grandchildren. She says she thinks it’s great, but says people wouldn’t understand. My family lives abroad so they are not with us in our day to day life and people that we are surrounded by have a lot of respect for what I do, it’s only my family. I have a long waiting list and get a lot of business word of mouth, but also our friends speak respectfully of how I manage everything and how I have built the business up.

I find this incredibly hurtful and I know I shouldn’t care. I have plans to slowly expand further once my youngest goes to school and sometimes hope my mum will be here to see it, but at the same time I don’t think this will make any difference. I think she will always be negative about my life choices, it’s just who she is. I didn’t care so much at the beginning but now my business is growing I feel like it is something she really should be proud of and it’s getting to me.

I did tell her the other week that I don’t understand why she is so ashamed of what I do, that she should speak proudly of me. I have a friend who is a chef and his parents are always very proud of him and fully support him, why can’t she do the same with me. She says her friend’s daughter is a lawyer and son an accountant, I said that’s great but I would be the worst lawyer. I am doing something I am passionate about, I am good at, it makes me happy and I am able to manage our home life and children basically on my own while also earning a good wage.

Ok but is there a reason you haven’t mentioned what you do in your OP?

I run a home based childcare business, with plans to expand to non domestic childcare premises

Goodness, I thought from their reaction you were doing something like Only Fans!
They’re the problem not you. You’ll probably never meet their expectations however successful and happy you are. So try to focus on the people who do value you.

Honestly it sounds like she’s embarrassed that you are ‘only a childminder’ versus a solicitor.
ignore here if she can’t see that your job allows you to spend time with your kids while earning a really good living than she’s not clever enough to argue with.

I don’t think anyone can make other people ‘respect’ what they do for a living, though. I’m an academic, and my parents have no clue what that is — they think academics are men in tweed suits and mortar boards, based on some neighbour they used to know, and that I’m somehow ‘pretending’. My sister is a librarian, but they think she’s a shelfstacker. Just get on with being a childminder and enjoying it.

Thought you were leading up to running a brothel and/or how we too could earn lots of money selling used underwear.

So you're a childminder?

Not sure quite how that is going to become a six figure business, but it's a perfectly respectable job and there is no reason why you shouldn't talk about it to anyone.

The only thing that crosses my mind is whether it's something about the way you're talking about it that they are finding a bit embarrassing? So, on this thread, you could have just said that you were a childminder in your opening post but you chose to present it as a soon-to-be-six-figure-business. Do they perhaps feel that you're bigging it up a bit too much? Do you feel the need to big it up?

In the nicest possible way do you tend to bang on a lot about how successful you are at family get togethers?

Because that would make more sense than her being embarrassed about such a run of the mill job.

So my earnings this year with an assistant will be 80k and the following year if I decide to increase to 5days a week I could be making 6 figures or if I expand and have two assistants I could do it with my current 4 days. We live in the south with higher childcare fees

This all sounds great but right now it’s not real, it’s all conjecture.

I don’t really think she’s embarrassed about the work, more perhaps that you’re telling everyone your personal business and if it doesn’t work out you might be the one who ends up embarrassed (not that you should).

Probably best to be a bit more discrete so early on.

I would never discuss my earnings with anyone else, I just said it on here to show I am able to support the family

I run a home based childcare business, with plans to expand to non domestic childcare premises

You’re a childminder and you have ambitions to set up a nursery.

That’s laudable, but the way you talk about it is pompous and slightly risible. I suspect you’re doing that because of your family’s sniffy attitude to a perfectly respectable occupation. Don’t pander to that: be honest and proud.

Your mum should b proud of you, I would want to know why not otherwise, what would people not understand? You are supporting your family, what is so wrong with that.

I don’t think you understand all the costs of having employees.

Well it looks as if your Mum isn't the only one who looks down on those who provide childcare.

Come on people - here's someone making a living, employing staff and providing a well needed service to enable other families to go out to work. Absolutely no need for the snide. This is the Relationships section not AIBU.

OP - I think you will sadly have to accept your family's view of your business. Some people seem to think that unless you're a heavily qualified solicitor, medic or accountant type, you bring no value to society. And yet they are the first to complain they can't get a decent plumber, electrician, hairdresser or childminder. Strangely enough it's the plumber and hairdresser I know who work part time, live in lovely homes, have a sensible work -life balance and go on amazing holidays.

She'll change her tune when you start splashing the cash. This is your reminder not to give her a penny

What’s being questioned is the obscurantist, weirdly wordy way OP describes what she does. It would be like someone asking what I did for a living and me saying ‘I’m at the forefront of cutting edge research and pedagogy in a multimillion € organisation with far-reaching overseas links!’ when what I mean is ‘I’m an academic who runs visiting student programmes’.

You’re a Childminder! I thought it was something like only fans from your original post.

I'm a domestic cleaner and my DM was like this. Very ashamed of me. Can't offer any help other than to not talk about it. I made up I got an office job to shut my mother up!

She’s embarrassed because she don’t see it as a proper job. Well, sorry but hats off to you. In laws can be a nightmare, keep a distance and keep doing what your happy with !!! Stuff the rest, your earning your own money, maintaining your life balance. Let her sink in her own misery of high expectations!

Ah. Your mother thinks you are doing the equivalent of taking in ironing for pin money because your husband doesn't provide for you and the kids, and it is embarrassingly showing up your poverty and lowliness of class.

80k from childminding?! No wonder no one can afford childcare, Jesus!