Just had my 53rd birthday (female) and feel like I have screwed up my entire life and happiness. Feeling really down and, well, struggling to cope with feelings of loneliness, unhappiness and uncertainty. I’ve had a few traumatic years in my life, recently, and I’m struggling to turn things around.
I had my whole life planned out when I was a teenager. Knew the career I wanted, knew the kind of life I wanted (pretty average but comfortable) and, well, how to get there. As the youngest of 3 children, with quite a big age gap between myself and my 2 older siblings, I was able to watch them get married, start work, have a family etc. - my elder siblings, I might add, were never like siblings to me as they’d both left home by the time I was 6. I have no memory of ever having lived in the same house as them.
My parents divorced when I was 8. After a few
trips to stay with my father on a weekend (who never spent any time with me and left
me stood outside the social club with a glass of
lemonade and a packet of crisps), I got bored, felt unwanted and stopped going. I had no contact with my father from the age of 11. He died when I was 26. My brother found out from the woman he lived with (my father) 3 days after his death. So, you could say, I grew up without a male figure in my life. Even though I had 2 older brothers, they had their own families and I didn’t have a sibling relationship with them. Age gap
didn’t help.
My mother was a difficult woman at times. I bore the brunt of her menopause! She was obsessed with doctors and would demand appointments every week. We had little money and did without things like holidays, the latest clothing item etc.
She never re-married or even dated. She died of cancer ten years ago at the age of 83.
I felt alone a lot as a child. Even though I wasn’t alone, if that makes sense. I was determined to forge out a better life for myself. I became seriously ill at 14 with meningitis. Fortunately, I recovered and thus spurred me on to get a good job. I was lucky enough to go to university when there weren’t any fees. I doubt my mother would’ve let me go, otherwise, and I’d have been made to work locally in a low paid job. Career-wise, I have done well. I’m now in senior management in my field however this has come with a lot of sacrifices - many hours of studying and an increased sense of pressure and stress. I do regret it, and wish I’d stayed in my previous role, as the stress that has come from rising up has led to me not enjoying life, in general. I have also been subject to subtle bullying by someone at work (who is currently off on LT sick with stress). My job needs 2 people and I struggle to cope with the stressful demands of the workload (NHS).
My personal life hasn’t been ideal either. I
married an older man (12 years my senior). I had been inexperienced in the dating field and, well, had no-one to compare him too. It became very obvious we were nothing more than friends and I became seriously turned off - leading to a sexless marriage (many years). There was no affection in our marriage. Yes, we had 2 children but the marriage lacked chemistry. I just didn’t feel like that towards him. Menopause hit me quite badly and well, I ended up in an affair (long distance). Marriage ended very quickly (by me) when I realised the way I’d been living and the fact I had developed strong, real, feelings for someone else. Unfortunately for me, the said man remained married and it became obvious that I had been led on and he ended up stopping messaging after 7 years of friendship. I had allowed myself to develop feelings for someone I shouldn’t have (I know that) but it became clear there was a massive gap in my life. My mother had died a year or so earlier, my siblings both died (one to suicide) during this period and I have recently lost a very close friend/colleague to cancer.
My current job is 100 miles away but I am only there 2 days a week and work from home 2 days. Aside from the bullying, I am spending money on hotels and I am struggling after being ripped off by a solicitor. Paying back £400 a month in a loan for the next 5 years to pay off solicitor fees. I am still not divorced! I am still living in the family home (on the market) but it is struggling to sell. I am only getting 50% of the house as I accepted this as I couldn’t cope with going to court (I had been going through a traumatic court case over my sibling’s death) and menopause myself, so could not cope with it. The house has been reduced twice. It’s too big for me and I couldn’t afford a mortgage without all of
my disposable income being swallowed up - I don’t want to live like that. However, as the house is reduced, I am going to get less and less to be able to buy somewhere else. Stbx has another property he was given (as inheritance) after divorce proceedings started.
I have high blood pressure. Probably a mix of work and this long drawn out divorce (and associated worry). I feel like I can’t settle and get peace in my life. I am lonely! Both of my children live with their father most of the time. The eldest stays a bit with me but the youngest doesn’t.
I am desperate to tell the wife of the man how he has led me on over the years and fed me a
load of nonsense. I, stupidly, fell for this man and his twaddle. He has ruined my life. Everything I have worked for, I have lost. I know it was wrong but I was under the influence of menopause at the time, which had a massive effect on my life (not had HRT and probably wouldn’t get it now anyway). However, it was clear my marriage wasn’t right for me.
I have tried dating apps but don’t like
anyone. Plus, I have deep feelings for the OM. My marriage was nothing but a friendship. I was vulnerable and stupid.
As a result of feeling stressed in all of the above (and unhappy in my job), losing people around me and feeling 💩 most days, I no longer enjoy life. I don’t know a way out.
Most people forgot my birthday.
Can anyone advise?