I don’t know what I can do now.

[Minimini0001]

Hi, I’m 42 / never married no kids and I started my second master last year and I met this guy who was a lecturer and we got closer recently. I can definitely feel he is interested in me.

but the thing is that I look much younger than my actual age - late 20’s. I’ve experienced a lot of disappointment from the guys once I tell them my age. So from the way he talks, I could tell he thinks I would be younger than him.

I looked up on his LinkedIn so I know his age but I doubt he has looked on mine.

We are not dating yet so I haven’t talked about my age yet ( I found it awkward to tell my age as we mainly talk about our study)
but I guess I should let him know soon.

Honestly, I’m a bit afraid that he might lose interest in me because of my age but I can’t lie about it.

He is a German. so might be he doesn’t care or he wants to start his family so my age can be a deal breaker.

It seems like there is not much thing I can do about this situation.
Should I not expect too much?
Any advice over 40s would be appreciated 🙏

You can't like him that much if you are willing to risk his career and your degree with a university disciplinary or getting kicked out.

What makes you think he's interested? You had to look him up on LI for his age.

Sorry the last bit seemed harsh, I mean what has he done to make you think he's interested romantically?

You are right. it is strictly prohibited to date for a professor and a student but the thing changes when I graduate.
it’s not only me but my school friend also thinks he is interested in me. He is always around me, remembers small details about me even what other classes I’m taking and is always willing to give me extra time whenever I ask for which he doesn’t do for everyone. So I wouldn’t describe it as romantic interest yet, but I guess maybe it could be developed into something romantic.

Uhh that just sounds like he's doing his job.

He can't refuse a student his time if they ask him for it, a lot of lecturers do remember things about students, and some are even quite friendly and pass the time of day with various students. I used to be asked in to have a cup of tea and a chat with the principal, my tutor, and even pop my head round the staffroom door and one of them would invite me in for a chat. I was never given the impression it was anything other than normal.

Yeah maybe you are right. That could be also what I have to find out.

I know this isn't what you want to hear but I'd tread very carefully were I you. There could be very serious implications, there is a power imbalance and frankly, there are other more available men. Also there is a time period between you being a student and being able to start a relationship with a lecturer, it's not a case of you graduate and they are free to date you, I can't remember the time frame but I'm thinking years rather than months.

You are an attractive intelligent woman, I'm sure you wouldn't have any issues finding someone decent.

it’s not only me but my school friend

Hold up, school friend?

I know what you mean. And I really appreciate your advice. ☺️ Definitely I’m still open to date other guys. But like I said, I’d like to find out what he thinks about me rather than just assuming he is not the one and giving up. There are things I didn’t or couldn’t write down what happened between me and him here.

@Minimini0001 so you look 20 years younger than you are?

That may come as a shock to him!

"He is a German. so might be he doesn’t care or he wants to start his family so my age can be a deal breaker"

Is being German relevant?

OP I think given you are in your 40s it’s a bit daft for people to say there is a power imbalance. You’re not 18! I can’t see a problem personally other than the university rules. When you graduate given you aren’t underage/vulnerable adult not sure what the problem is in pursuing a relationship.

There is a power imbalance regardless of age. It's not just young people who are vulnerable, student and teacher relationships create opportunities for abuse. Same as a manager or owner of a business and an employee. That's why there are rules around these kinds of relationships and a period after graduation where these relationships are still disallowed by the learning centres.

We are all potentially vulnerable regardless of age and experience when the circumstances of possible exploitation come up.

The problem with persuing a relationship is that one could lose their entire career and the other be kicked out of their degree and struggle to find another university to study at.

Are there relationships between students and teachers, of course there are but it doesn't make it OK or exploitation free and there are risks in persuing one for both partners.

Do you reaaallyy look like you’re 29
though when you’re actually 42? I’m not convinced

Well I refused the option to sleep with a lecturer (& course leader) on my BSc degree in the 80s.
Lonf story short:
He refused to award me a 1st class degree even though I had the necessary marks. I was too meek to challenge him - then.
It was many years later that I put two-&-two together to understand what he had done.
Sadly, he had passed away by then so I couldn’t challenge him & his “professionalism”.
Shortly after I turned him down, he hooked up with another student - goodness knows how he got away with it.
Do what you think is right but don’t allow anyone to manipulate you.