Recovering from an emotionally abusive relationship

[Awakeatnite]

How did you fix the damage done by an emotionally abusive relationship. It felt better to hear that my self worth doesn’t depend on what he says, and compliments from others have really helped me. But I still feel strong urges to speak to him and win his love which has kept me very stuck, and I want to put a stop to it and take control of myself and my emotions.
After self reelection I realised that I don’t want to feel rejected. Trying to get him to change his mind and love me has really drawn me to him. I used to wonder why I cared what he thinks about me, and I realised it’s because the emotional abuse reinforced significant traumas I have from childhood.
Logically I don’t want to speak to him and I can see how harmful he has been to me, focusing on it has made me really unwell, but it still doesn’t stop me.
i know I am mad for going back.
I want to give myself a chance to handle this better but I don’t know how.

I'm in exactly the same situation, no words of advice, but here to say you're not alone. It's shitty how our heads and hearts don't align. I'm keeping myself busy but it's not easy.

I think you must be quite recently out, op?

Depending on the degree of the psychological abuse (mine was extreme) it can take some time. Your brain is still wired to seek his approval; it needs to be re-wired.

you can help the process by counseling if possible, talking to family and friends if available. Developing your own interests and life. And disengaging from him - don’t look at his social media, don’t have contact with him.

give yourself time, patience and love. It’s like recovering from physical illness, it takes a while.

It takes time, and it takes effort. You will have internalised his voice and every time you make a decision you will know his reaction before you know your own thoughts.

Absolutely no contact is essential, but it is worth thinking about all the various aspects of this.
My question is- is he an individual whose good opinion is worth something?
One thing about men like that is that is the hypocrisy - they will always let you know how crap you are (I.e. they will always reject you) whilst being in a relationship with you?

Why he is someone who you want to like you, and conversely is there anyone who is so crap that it doesn’t bother you whether or not they like you?

There’s a brilliant book called ‘Let Them’ by Mel somebody. It’s a full mindset shift.

This 👆
And also look up trauma bonding as this can help you understand why you keep getting (or wanting to get) drawn back in.
it does take time to break that attachment even to someone who treated you badly. Focus on the day to day and keeping yourself busy. It does get easier.

I’m a few months out OP, and I was feeling a bit low when I posted last night. Other posters are right, it takes time and effort. I’ve gone completely NC. I’ve deleted all social media so I’m not tempted to stalk and deleted his number. I’ve done lots of work on my self esteem, by journaling, keeping a gratitude diary and meditation. Surrounding myself with friends and family and confiding in those you trust really helps.

its not easy, it takes time, patience and effort. I thought it would be easier but this is the hardest thing I’ve done. Good luck, you can do this.

I was thinking about this post today and want to add something.

Men (people) only abuse those for whom they have no respect. For him, the fact that you would go running after him is giving him permission to abuse you.
Honestly, this is how people like that think, it’s how my ex and his family talk about people they’ve been. If he had any respect for you he wouldn’t abuse you. But he also thinks if you had any respect for yourself you wouldn’t go near him.