Financial bullying q narcissism

[StrawberryBlon]

Hi.
I’ve never posted here before but I could really do with some advice/support/a kick up the bum. I’ve slowly realised over the past year my H is likely a narcissist. Last June I was made redundant from a well paid job that made me financially independent. After redundancy I became reliant on H financially (he earns nearly six figures, I was barely earning five figures) and he began to bully me financially, on top of the emotional and coercive abuse that had been going on before. For example, I had hand surgery last year and, having agreed to put in £250 more than me each month for our joint expenses, he said ‘why should I pay that’ if I wasn’t going to be doing to be doing the lion’s share of the school run, because I couldn’t care for our children alone while I recovered. He told me I was to blame for being made redundant, and told me ‘it wasn’t his problem’ that I had no money.

After I sought legal advice about spousal support, which forced him to take on a much higher proportion of our outgoings that was more reflective of our respective incomes, he then set about separating from me, and is now threatening to sell our house (co-owned) and take away our joint account (which is my only means of accessing shared money: we have separate personal accounts from which we pay into the joint account each month). He lets us run out of money every month in protest at the ratio between our contributions my solicitor proposed. He has a business valued in the millions but refuses to accept I have any claim to any of the value because of the way his shares are set up.

Ive two primary-aged children. If the house is sold I won’t be able to buy anywhere else at all in our town or nearby. Renting is difficult and very expensive. I’m getting legal advice but I’m finding it very hard to endure the sessions where he tells me how little I’m going to get. I don’t know how to keep myself from despairing, even though I know that’s likely what he’s trying to do: make me give up rather than fight. I think he’s lying about the business, but I’m not sure. If anyone has experience of this or similar I would so value your insights, esp on question of division of business value. I feel like I’m going mad.

You need to find yourself a shit-hot divorce lawyer.

Agree you need a good lawyer. What a cruel man. This awful won’t time last for ever. Don’t despair.

Your H is attempting, and succeeding in confusing you in every way possible. You need legal advice. He is in wrong about so many things and this is something he knows but as he has zero respect for you by the way he is treating you now, and in the past. What a looser. It does not really matter if he is a narcissist, but he is awful.

Woman's aid too, give them a call as they may be able to point you in the right direction with a good solicitor etc. I gather you two are divorcing?

Next you need to see if you are entitled to any mind of benefits, if you are divorcing, I think you can apply for this even if you live under the same roof. I am also not sure he can threaten to sell the house if you have primary school children. You need to find this out asap.

You will get brilliant advise from here as there are women who have gone through similar.

Also, go incognito on any shared devices, change the password on your things, because he might attempt, or may already be looking at everything you do, as it reads he is quite controlling, so protect your steps and dont let him see what you are searching for on the internet. Also, do not leave the family home.

You needed a lawyer to intervene in how you share bills as a married couple. This is so far from normal I had to re-read three times to make sure you were still living as a married couple at the time.

Yes, it is financial abuse. He is a piece of shit and you need a really good divorce lawyer with an equally good forensic accountant on hand.

Do you have any shares in the business or are you registered as a director?

Thank you. It is cruel. He said last night he was prepared to go bankrupt defending against my claims rather than accede to them.

@TheseBootsAreWalking thank you so much for your advice. I have been supported by Women’s Aid who helped me find my lawyer and help me understand that what I was experiencing was coercive control and financial abuse. They don’t think there’s much more they can do.

i can’t apply for benefits currently because when i enter my H’s income the calculator goes red and says ‘This is a very high income!’ And comes out at £0.

it would be helpful to have confirmation of what is not true: the gaslighting, despite me knowing what it is, is effective at making me question my judgement.

Ive taken steps to protect my devices and will not leave the family home. But I feel like I a tiny twig in the face of a hurricane.

@YourLuckyPearlGoose
One of H’s contentions is that we separated in Jan 2022 and therefore he doesn’t owe me anything from the business. My solicitor is confident we can make the argument that we didn’t separate until he basically went postal in November last year (we bought our current house after we ‘separated’).

But he is arguing that because his shares are tied up and vested there’s no value in the business that he owes me, and that there’s no money coming. I would be so grateful to know if this is true or not: the accountants’ valuation done last September when there was a big investment round used the Third Party method whatever that is.

He is completely indifferent to any consequences for the children because of his treatment, and at the same time tells me how he wants to ‘be generous’ (his ‘generous’ offer on child maintenance didn’t even meet statutory minimum’.

its awful in the middle of this.