What do I do?

[AttemptingSerenity]

I feel like a horrible human being writing this, as I am in a helping profession and am questioning whether I am inherently a terrible person to have this bother me…

I met this man… he is everything I’ve ever wanted personality / human being wise and he shares very similar goals/aspirations as me. Something I’ve always wanted. For context, I am pushing 30.

I’ve been talking to him for a short time but we have hung out and we laugh and smile, he understands me like many have never been able to do in years.

but… and yes there’s a but…

Upon meeting him in person, I discovered he has missing/actively rotten teeth. I know he grew up underprivileged and poor, with dental being a huge privilege that he wouldn’t have had, but at over 30… would this not be fixed or brought up to prospective partners? I’ve kindly hinted. He isn’t catching on. I have tried repeatedly.

I don’t want to hurt him, but no matter what I do, I will be inflicting some kind of hurt. Right now, he knows I feel off but I have reassured him it’s nothing to do with who he is as a person but rather insecurities I have that maybe shouldn’t be problems, that I’m working through. This makes me feel he deserves the truth. At the same time though, I want to cause the least lasting impact, and I worry coming clean not only makes me seem superficial, but creates an insecurity for this man who has already endured more pain in his life than anyone ever should have to.

I just… I find it grosses me out. With attraction, or a small package, things can be compromised on and you can grow attraction based on personality. However, this is a hygiene thing as well, not to mention makes me uneasy and pulls me away from lust.

what the heck do I do?!?!?! 😭😭😭

How old is he? Is it teeth very visible at the front?

All you can do is be completely honest as if it’s putting you off this can’t go anywhere without the issue being addressed. That might sound heartless but it’s the truth, and it would be worse to split up with him or not see him again without explaining why, leaving him confused and in the dark.

I wouldn't be able to date someone who refused to visit a dentist to the point their front teeth were visibly rotting. It doesn't mean he's a horrible person for having a dental phobia. If that's what it is. But it's very unattractive.
I guess you could be fairly open and ask him about his teeth, try and encourage him to get them sorted? Then once he does you might fancy him? But otherwise I guess its best to just not pursue anything romantic.

Early 30’s.

Yes. Teeth missing from the front and the couple left are turning brown/black….

not sure of the condition at the back as it’s just what I’ve been able to see/notice. :(

Absolutely you have to be honest with him. Just ask him what happened to his teeth as the starting point. I'm guessing it wasnt just that he was in a poor family but something a bit more to it, is that right?

@Anchorage56 Well, dental is very expensive. Coming from a poor family, it seems he was barely fed and was abused - let alone had the supplies to keep his teeth healthy. I feel that must be it. And fixing it at this point would be veryyyy expensive. 😭

Be honest and tell him if you think the situation is salvageable. However I would be worried that if he is lax on dental hygiene what other hygiene is he lax on? That would be a no from me but I admit I am a bit of a clean freak.

He might have a phobia of dentists. But it is extreme so don’t feel bad. I don’t think many people could overlook this in someone they view as a potential partner (kissing). I wonder if you could gently ask him about it

Ok I just assumed kids got free NHS dentistry back when he would have been growing up. I know its more difficult to find nowadays. Yes a delicate situation but def just be honest in a gentle way. Does he have a job now that would mean he could afford to get the work done now?

I’d be honest. And I wouldn’t feel bad or like I was going to crush him forever - I doubt many men would fancy dating me if I had missing and rotten teeth.

Could cost of dental treatment have anything to do with it now? If he doesn't have an NHS dentist at the moment he'll find it very hard to get one and private costs are exorbitant. I think you have to raise it though, if he has a phobia you may be able to help him with it. It's not going to be easy to say but if he ticks all your other boxes it's worth trying.

Bad teeth would be an absolute no go for me

Free yourself from the obligation if his teeth give you the ick.

“Just because someone has the perfect CV, it doesn’t mean they always get the job.” Same for you—on paper, his CV may be ideal to be your boyfriend, but it doesn’t mean you have to give him the job.

Maybe his family didn't take him to the dentist so he's not used to going and now his teeth are really bad. Private dentists are very expensive, mine's £70 just for a check up, so maybe he can't afford to go. If he's so lovely in other ways can't you be honest with him?