Feeling numb after Neglect in Relationship

[YourMintOtter]

I have been married for 20 years, for the last few years my husband has been working away and I felt like I had become invisible, I was doing everything in the home with no help and I mean everything!
He also didn’t show me any emotions at all, he would rather go to golf or go out with his mates, at times he would ignore me completely or make sly digs about things, nothing was ever good enough for him.
He picked me up from the station one evening after I had been away for 3 days and didn’t even ask me how I was, watched me struggle with my case and didn’t help me with it into the house, he went to bed.
I have felt lonely and neglected for years, I even questioned if there was something wrong with me for him to be so horrible of me.
I tried and tried until I gave up.
I became numb to it all and told him It was over!!!
This was 3 months ago, he said he had depression and his job had changed him, he promised he would change and he has to a certain extent but every now and then the nasty side comes out, he’s cut back on his drinking as this when he gets nasty.
Despite his efforts I don’t feel the same as I used to towards him, something has gone, I love him but not like I used to, it’s different now.
I feel like I am trying to recover from the last few years but I don’t feel I can open up to him or express my feelings anymore, I am not in love with him and I often find myself wanting to be alone.

We have a 17 year old too, this is one of the reasons why I gave him the benefit of the doubt, I wanted to see if it could work.

Not sure what to do, do I sit with these feelings and see if the relationship gets better with time as I heal or do you think I am wasting my time and it’s only a matter of time before he goes back to his nasty ways.

I have never felt like this before so I am really struggling to understand my feelings.

I think it’s only a matter of time before he goes back to his old ways. It doesn’t sound like he’s been a very nice person the last few years, he sounds selfish. You could try couples counseling for a set amount of time example three months or 6 months to see if you can explore the reasons why things got to the state they are in, and if lasting changes can be made. I definitely wouldn’t settle for being unhappy, your DC is older now as well. It’s time for you to be happy.

Be on your own with your child going forward, it is better for you both than to be as badly accompanied as you are now. He/she may well wonder why you are still with their dad at all given how he has been towards you (and in turn them).

Do not ever stay in a relationship for the sake of the child, that young person should not be used as glue to bind you together.

Your H used depression as an excuse when you finally realised you'd had enough. He has been living his own life on his terms. He has made sly digs at you, he chose friends and golf over you. He chose to ignore you when you were struggling with your case after being away for all of three days. No-one forced him to act like that, he did that of his own free will. Alcohol too is a depressant.

Have you as yet sought legal advice re all aspects of separation and divorce?. Knowledge here is also power.

I would refrain from embarking on any form of joint counselling at all due to the sly digs aka emotional abuse he has meted out to you on occasion. If counselling is to be at all considered go on your own as you need to be able to talk in both a calm and safe environment.

Thank you WakingUpToReality.
I actually said we needed to see a marriage councillor and he said no. I think he is ashamed of the way he has behaved and I don’t think he understands the damage he has done to me.
I wanted to believe he could change and I am dreading him ever getting drunk again!
I think you are right though, I am going to concentrate on my daughter and myself. I think there will come a time when it’s apparent it’s well and truly over.

This is no way to live and there’s not really any coming back from years of neglect and mistreatment. Get your ducks in a row for when you decide to separate.

Thank you AttilaTheMeerkat
I have been thinking about counselling as I am really struggling.
I just wanted to see what other people though of this situation and I think I need to admit to myself that this relationship is going to end.

It sounds like he's taken you for granted for years and dehumanised you. Not asking you how you are or having a chat when you've been away for three days is someone who doesn't care.

OP he hasn't changed. I imagine you make his life better and divorce is stressful and expensive. He'll lose half his house, pension and his housekeeper.

Maitri108 I think there is a lot of truth in this.
I wanted to believe he had changed for me but I think he has only done it for himself and this will soon become very apparent.
Thank you