Hi everyone, I am new here but I don’t normally do forums but I would just like to ask for some guidance or advice. I struggle with Dyslexia so please excuse my writing.
I have been with my significant other for 6 years now. We are both in our mid 40s. I divorced my ex wife 7 years ago on grounds of unreasonable behaviour citing controlling and abusive actions. My significant other divorced her husband a few years previously to that for the same reason.
We both admit that we have left over trauma from our abusive marriages and we have largely, always been able to manage it, communicate effectively and resolve anything if either one of us triggered a previous fear in the other.
About 8 months ago, she moved in with me and since then, she has changed – she is incredibly sensitive to the slightest thing which she perceives is not me agreeing with her and, at times, launches into what I can only describe into full blown verbal attacks on my character, pulling into question my integrity and constantly stating that my recollection of events is inaccurate.
Today, we both had the day off work as we were going to go out – last night I asked where she wanted to go and she gave a few options all of which cost money that we don’t have.I told her that we need to be mindful of money, at which point she called me oppressive, stated that I am controlling and stormed out the house and went out for a drive for a few hours.
This morning, I tried to talk to her about this, stating that I don’t understand why she got upset, we are supposed to be a team, to which she just started crying, saying I never understand and stormed out the house again.
This type of thing has become more frequent recently – she is under a lot of stress at work and finances have become tight, but I am starting to feel like a punching bag when she has a bad day at work. I feel like I am starting to go mad, that my reality of what is said and done is consistently being pulled into question and whenever I query it, I am met, more often than not, with an aggressive response.
I learnt from my marriage to watch my every word as that was the safest option – when my current partner says I have said something hurtful or offensive, I know for a fact that I have not as watching my words is something that I learnt to do and I manage my words very carefully. Sometimes, it feels that she twists my words, makes it about her, and then turns it back on me. An example – the other day she stated that I always make everything about me – the lead up to this is she asked me what I wanted for dinner, I gave her my option and she stated that she doesn’t feel like that tonight and therefore its all about me. I told her that I am scared of telling her my thoughts when she reacts like that and she stated that she feels exactly the same way, but its ok – she will do what I want as I never consider her.
My head just exploded out of confusion.
She will then withdraw any and all types of affection, she will actively not say she loves me, she will refuse any type of contact and, today as an example, when I said that we need to talk, she just shuts it down, saying that she doesn’t want to talk. If I say I do, then her response will be that I am being selfish and that it isn’t about my needs, but hers too. So I say that we need to work as a team, and she will respond with comments such as “I will be fine”, “Don’t worry about me”, “I have managed myself my whole life” etc. Comments which are clearly not team orientated.
I am starting to question whether I really am being a bad person (I know I am not – I don’t smoke, drink not violent, don’t play mind games, never cheated etc). I have told her numerous times that I am scared of mentioning things to her, like money, as I do not know how she will react to it.
Whilst this does happen at any time, I have noticed that it tends to happen as she is approaching her period.I do not say that as an excuse, it is just the pattern that I have observed. She is very sensitive as a person so my fears about a sudden emotional explosion is often present, but she is certainly significantly more reactive as she approaches or is going through it. She is also menopausal as well and is taking HRT for it.
She has previously hit, what I call the “panic button”. Basically, if she previously did not like something, she would literally just call the relationship off on the spot before changing her mind a few hours later.This has put, if I am honest, the fear of god into me because I simply do not know that if I ever say anything that she doesn’t like, if she will push this button and just leave. I have told her this and her response was that I need to make sure I don’t do anything to make her push it. This makes me feel that I am responsible for maintaining status quo.
Food – I struggle with food, it’s a mental block for me as it was a control tactic from my ex wife.My current partner often comments on if I haven’t eaten my vegetables, or the other day when I hadn’t eaten, she stated “That’s just not acceptable”. Part of me feels that she is trying to care, but part of me feels like I am being treated as a subservant, and as a child.
At this moment in time, as I write this, she has stormed off again, she is out with a friend and even upon sending her a message asking if she is ok, her response is literally “I will be fine”.
I feel like I am going crazy, I feel like I am a child again with my abusive father telling me I am allowed to do and think – I feel like I am not remembering our conversations correctly (and I do not have a good memory due to an ongoing medical condition which she is fully aware of), but I do know that I do not say or have not said some of the things that she mentions. I feel l like my reality is different to my recollection of it.
Not sure what I am expecting from this but I just feel like I am going mad and I don’t know what to do. Am I wondering if I really am this awful person because I don’t know what to say, how to address things as I do not know what reaction I will get, and I just feel so incredibly tired. I appreciate that noone is perfect, but this just feels wrong...