Partner’s perspective on our family unit and future.

[Sarah001001]

I’m looking for some advice regarding my relationship and my partner’s perspective on our family unit and future.
I’ve been with my partner for four years. We’re both in our mid-30s, and we have a 3-year-old. We’ve been a very happy little family, and my partner is a wonderful dad and generally supportive of me.
We fell pregnant very quickly and decided to build a life together. I sold my property and walked away with around £35k and moved into his home. The understanding was that when the remortgage came up, we would do it together so that we both had ownership of the house. At the time, he was clear that he didn’t want to ringfence any of his initial equity because we were building a life together and this would be our family home.
When I moved in, I used my savings to put £10k into house improvements. I bought our family car, as he uses a company car, I paid off his credit card debt and I bought everything we needed for the baby.
The understanding was that these contributions would be factored into my stake in the property when we eventually remortgaged.
Fast forward three years, and he’s just remortgaged the house without me. His reasoning is that there were too many fees to put me on and I “don’t contribute,” which feels completely unfair. After maternity leave (on statutory pay of £600/month - where I inevitably ate into my remaining savings), I returned to work part-time when our baby was 10 months old, earning around £1,000 month. I’ve always contributed to the household by covering the food shopping (£500/month) while also managing my own financial responsibilities car payments, insurance, petrol, phone, monthly dog expenses, and a small loan I’m paying off. When I have made more money through commission or overtime, I have transferred this to him to help with the bills. After all of this, I’m left with virtually nothing.
I’ve just completed a course and I’m about to start a new job, I'm (4 days) part time on 24k and he's compressed (4 days) on 70k. He’s been supportive of me while I studied, but now I’m starting to question why* *because despite that support, I still don’t feel secure in our relationship or in the future we’re building.
He has £160k in equity in the house. Now, he’s saying that because I don’t contribute financially in the same way he does, he doesn’t want to put himself in a position where, if we were to break up, he would only walk away with 50% of what he’s worked for.
The thing is I’m not asking for half of what he built before I came along. I’m completely fine with him ringfencing the equity he had when I moved in. But it feels like he’s ignoring everything I’ve given to this relationship, putting my career on hold, selling my property, investing my savings, and prioritising our family.
We talked about building a life together and getting married, but it’s become clear now that he no longer sees that in our future. Everything feels separate and non-committal, and ultimately, I don’t feel secure. He spends all of his free time studying (Masters) or at the gym, he is maybe home 2 evenings a week. When we do things as a family, or rarely as a couple, it is because I've pushed for it. Yet he thinks he needs more time to do what 'he wants to do' there are no more hours in the week?!?!
I manage 90% of the cleaning, cooking, food shopping, and all the small, unnoticed jobs that keep our home running. Neither of us are materialistic, and I don’t expect extravagant things, but I’m feeling emotionally and physically drained.
I grew up in a family unit, parents still together, they weren't well off by any means, but they shared everything and where always a partnership, whereas partner grew up with only his mum, his dad walked out when he was v little. He's never really viewed a healthy relationship/partnership, some of his friends have been stung in costly divorce. Is this the reason for this behaviour now? or am I being totally naive and he just doesn't want this with me?!

When I try to bring these feelings up, he gets defensive and says I’m “miserable” and “never happy” and that I “do nothing for him.” It feels like I’m hitting a wall every time I try to have a conversation about how I’m feeling, am I being unreasonable?!
I’d love some advice on how to navigate this from anyone who might have been in a similar situation.

Honestly I don’t think there is any navigating it really, you can’t force him to see things differently and I think you’d be leaving yourself very vulnerable to continue with the status quo.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing but this is why I’d always advise women to be married before children, or at least be married before you become financially dependent or reliant on a man because words are cheap & easy, but they’re easily broken.

@Sarah001001 You do sound like a bang maid with cash, I’m afraid. Sadly.

Awful. I don't see what you can do now - it would be over for me. I don't think you'll get anything from him. So sorry OP - a cruel man

I really feel for you. Saying things like ‘you’re miserable’ or ‘never happy’ is so unhelpful and emotionally illiterate - can’t he imagine how you feel and put himself in your position, so you can have a proper discussion?

I’d sit down and work out hope much you have paid towards the house, towards your lifestyle etc since you have been together then show him, see if that makes him think.

But unfortunately it sounds like he’s one of those men who thinks his money is his, not shared at all.

It sounds as if he has checked out of the relationship - being out all the time - also as if he’s a lazy bastard around the house.

I’d look into splitting up. Get some legal advice, see what your position is.

But I’m afraid this is why it’s best to be married before you have a baby.

OP

So very sorry but he certainly saw you coming a mile off. He has used and otherwise exploited your goodwill here for his own ends. He has regarded yiuor relationship with him as purely transactional.

re your comment re this man

'He's never really viewed a healthy relationship/partnership, some of his friends have been stung in costly divorce".

That says it all re him. He does not want to share now and has likely never wanted to share either. He regards his stuff and money as his and his alone.

He deliberately decided to remortgage without you because you could well have been named on this document.

I would cut your losses here and move out. Put in a CMS claim for his child. He's got more red flags about him here than are present at a Communist Party rally. And he is not a wonderful dad if he treats you as his child's mother like this i.e. with contempt. Women in poor relationships too write the good dad comment when they can think of nothing else positive to write about their man.

And now too he wants to further disadvantage you economically, he has been doing that already.

Never pay anyone else's credit card debt; that was enabling behaviour on your part that he has never been thankful or grateful to you for. Ask yourself why you did that in the first place.

Oh dear; this reads like an advertisement for contraception . But you are where you are, which is living with a man who has withdrawn from the relationship, doesn’t want to share his assets with the mother of his child, and is a bit of a nasty f—-ker to boot.

At least he is on the birth certificate, so you will be able to try for CM. Sooner you are out of this one, the better.

First up I would ask him to return to you the £10k improvements and the credit card debt of his you paid. If he isn't prepared to share equity then that's just greedy of him to keep those.

I would no longer transfer any bonuses and infact I'd ask him to return those too.

Then I'd cut back on my contributions to the house. He can share ALL baby costs, and food costs etc. And he can cover all childcare of you have lost earnings due to providing childcare. And everything you save/ get back goes away in a savings account.

Tbh I'd ditch him over this. He has checked out. And the trust has gone. and CMS on £70k will be a reasonable amount (as he probably knows!)

Send him invoices for everything you paid for.
He is a prize cunt..
As a side note to others you don't need the df to be on the bc to claim cms....

What an absolute prize bastard.

I agree with earlier comments - tell him needs to pay you back what you've spent on HIS house and HIS debts, and then leave him. He sounds like an absolute piece of shit; he has taken all the equity from your previous home, used it to his benefit, knocked you up and now proposes to leave you high and dry.

Once you've secured the funds, tell him he's behaving just like his shitty dad, and he needs to buck his fucking ideas up, I'm so annoyed for you.

PS it cost me about £500 to do a transfer of equity and put my husband on the mortgage.

He can change because he already has. He’s changed from the man who painted that rosey, equitable picture of your future to this man who wants to ensure he keeps all his money and yours. I think it unlikely he will ever change back into someone who would be a decent partner and father.

Maybe he saw you coming or maybe he is another fool who had no idea what having a baby would be like. He seems to be doing all he can to distance himself from you and avoid splitting up which would mean paying child support and possibly returning the part of your equity that you invested in his home.

I would keep sweet for now (say 'oh that's fair enough, I understand regarding the house solely in his name) and ask for your £10k investment into home improvements back, plus the money you spent on paying off his credit card. Say you will save for a deposit on a buy to let now, as you need some security for the future. The relationship would be over for me at this point, but if the day to day is OK, play the long game, try and get your cash back to set you up for the future (without him).

Your future with him relies on you putting in every single penny whilst doing all the wife work without the protection of marriage. He is financially and emotionally abusing you to keep you trapped.

It's never going to work as it is but only he has the power to change the dynamics but why would he? He's got a ready-made servant who gives him money and sex.

Your future is more of the same (or worse), or you leave this horrible man. That is your choice. There is no middle ground unfortunately. I'm sorry, it's not pleasant to realise that you are being taken advantage of.

I’d certainly be asking for the £10k and credit card money back (plus interest) so that you can start to build your own deposit and then I’d get out of there. How does he make your life better in any way?