Relationship wobbles

[StrongTea22]

Been married for 17 years and together 20ish. Still quite young children in FTE.

a number of years ago I was lucky enough to be gifted a home in a good area by a grandparent, which means we are mortgage free. I know we are very fortunate in that respect and in this climate.

i was a sahm for around 10 years and my husband paid for everything and I was given a small allowance to cover playgym/petrol and coffee.

i now work very part time and have school holidays off and am around for childcare pick ups most days.

the issue is I don’t feel as if my contribution to our finances of being mortgage free or providing childcare is being valued. I earn less than a quarter of what my husband does and I’m limited by his job as it can involve working away/abroad. Neither of us wants the kids in lots of wrap around care each week.

Recently over the last 2 years I’ve ventured off on trips to see friends (stayed with them) and taken individual kids away (to save money and have 1-1) and one trip abroad with a friend for 2 nights last year which was a big deal for me. I saved really hard for them over a year in some cases.

over the last few years he has ventured away on holidays with family and friends separate to me also.

when I started working he started making comments about me being able to pay for everyone to go abroad, and last year said that he pays for everything when we are on holiday.

he doesn’t btw he has complete money blindness to anything I spend on as it’s seen as non essential (food/entry fees/bus fares/clothes whatever). I currently pay a third of my wage out in household bills and childcare. Which after petrol and life stuff, there’s not much left.

this year he’s booked a 10 day holiday in Devon for us as a family and then quickly said he’s taking the kids away over summer with his friends (families that I aren’t really friends with and wouldn’t want want to go) because I’m back working (Inonly work 3 days) and that if I want I can just take the kids away on my own, which means I have just one family holiday or go with them.

Icant afford to do that and why isn’t this a discussion if it’s family money?

he sees my being upset about this as some sort of control issue and me telling him what he can and can’t do- we are married, am I being stupid/naive/unfair about my expectations?

maybe we need to look at what is being paid for more fairly now I’m working if he feels it’s a disadvantage for him,?

I have thought about counselling for myself as I think a lot of how I react in my marriage and the boundaries I have is related to my own insecurities from prev relationships where I was treat badly and neglected both financially and how I was treated.

He is a great father and person and has corked hard to get where he is career wise (with my support obvs) but I think our relationship does need some helps.

Thank you. It is a break, of course it is and I do recognise that and need time alone definitely.

We do talk about what the kids need but I think my wage is viewed as fun money somehow or pretend money that doesn’t really need spending- and that needs to change. I think there is some resentment non there and we need to address it.

It's not that easy sometimes. Talking about it is always good, though you might want to do it one issue at a time rather than in one big 'finances' showdown. You could tell him you'd like book a trip for you and the kids but you're struggling to afford it because you need your salary for x/y/z. I'd give him the chance to help (even after a bit of time to think) before linking it to the bigger picture of you having provided the home that he lives in.

That’s a good way of thinking about iHow to approach it.