Thoughts I guess ? Dating in 50’s good idea to live together or not ?

[Chairsorstairs]

So what lessons have you learnt ? What Advice would you give having been in similar circumstances?
I’m dating a single divorced dad for the last 2 years . He parents his DS 13 on an informal maintenance plan with his ex wife & has agreed to always live close by to them wherever they may live to support their only son ( despite the fact that his ex wife is a big mega earner & provides an exceptional lifestyle for only child by her own means ) Because he now works shifts the eow arrangement has become blurred somewhat .
For me my youngest child is now 16 .. so I have more independence… My boyfriend literally wants me to put my life on hold until his son is 18 … I wrestle & flip flop between how this arrangement is great … as in we now live 150miles apart ..so get to have our personal space .. but then also question that life is precious & in your 50’s they’re may only be at most a couple of 2 more quality decades ahead . It feels natural to me to want to be living with my special person as a unit ( but obviously having outside work /friendship groups/hobbies )..
I'm not trying to change him , but feeling a tad bewildered by the situation.. do I ‘ wait’ until his child is 18.. or am I missing a trick here ? Having what feels like a casual set up in my 50’s ?

I'm in my 50's. I never want to live with anyone again. Equally, I would not be in a relationship with someone 150 miles away. My DP and I are fifteen minutes drive apart.

But I also think he is right to put his child first (and the agreement he made with the child's mother) and if you don't agree with that then he should stop seeing you. You are the problem. Not him.

So, yes, you wait. Or you move on if it doesn't suit you.

Is he definitely divorced? Having asked that, i actually think his is a commendable decision as his DS is only 13 and needs his dad

Never move in with a new man in middle age. Particularly one with children from a previous relationship.

It is way too complicated - financially, legally, emotionally.

Each of you will want to continue to arrange your life in the way that currently works for you. And you will both have unreasonable expectations of how the other should enhance your life. Do you actually want to become default responsible adult for a 13 year old to whom you are not related and who you may not know well? (And who would resent your very existence.)

Read a few of the step parenting and blended family threads here - they’ll make you think again.

Me and my DP live 150 miles apart and we take turns at visiting. I think it helps keep the freshness in the relationship, and it doesn't go stale. We phone every evening and sometimes during the day as well. It's not compulsory to live together. Wait and see how you feel in a few years' time.

How could this even work @Chairsorstairs? Given his position, you’d need to uproot your son and go and live miles away? Never mind the rest.

I’m in my fifties, dating, with dcs identical ages, and there’s no way on earth I’d blend families.

Similar situation to you OP I don’t live with my DP but I do think 150 miles is too far

Im in my 50’s and I never want to live with a man again. I can’t think of anything v worse now than not having my own space.

But equally I wouldn’t date anyone with school aged kids now mine is a young adult and I don’t think I’d date anyone more than an hours drive away so your situation would not work for me at all.

I must admit I’ve found it more common for men to want to cohabit in middle aged and then women saying no