Intrusive thought RE; cheating

[mindingmyown37]

Been with DP 21 years this year, 2dc fairy regular relationship, obviously we have ups and downs but for the most part we are solid. He’s an area manager for a company he’s worked at for 5 months and had a company conference these last 3 days. He’s out an about quite a lot. (We have life 360 so he can’t get away with anything 😂 dd often tracks him to make sure he’s not having a cheeky takeaway without her) Fine I love having the bed to myself so far be it from me to complain.
the last 2 days I’ve been having serious intrusive thoughts about him cheating whilst he’s away. He’s driven there with another area manager from his region, they often help each other out. He’s never given me reason to believe he would cheat, he lost his dad recently so his emotions are high but been leaning on me. And I’ve been supporting him as best I can. I’ve tried blocking them out but different scenarios have been flooding my mind since yesterday morning. He’s been to these things before and I’ve never felt like this. This other woman seems nice enough, I’ve not met her but heard her on a call whilst I’ve been in the car with him and he had it on loudspeaker, no flirting etc to even suggest such a thing would happen. I know my libido isn’t what it used to be but has defo got better the last few years. I’m just not sure where these came from.
anyone else been in a similar situation or am I on my own with this…

No helpful advice here, but I kind of can imagine what you're experiencing and it must be quite distressing, at least.
I guess the first thing to do would be to discern whether these thoughts have an internal source (something is happening to you) or an external one (you've picked up something).
Sorry for not being helpful, I hope somebody comes along with wise words.

Sorry to hear this ..: some things of its a natural react tbh if he has a female colleague and they are travelling together. I hope your husband can give you some reassurance when he’s back/ has surgery merging happened that makes you have these concerns. Do you know what she looks like and if she’s married / has kids / it attractive?

He’s travelled with femal colleagues before so that can’t be it… from what I know she has a daughter 16 I believe and she’s divorced I think. There’s been literally nothing I can think of that would even warrant me having these. I just can’t pin point anything.

I know I've read threads before where the OP has never had concerns about their DH/ DP previously but for some reason they feel concerned about a particular woman or a particular situation. And like you can't put their finger on why. And unfortunately this feeling often turns out to be correct.
I just think you need to be vigilant and on the alert for changes in his behaviour when he returns. Do some subtle questioning about his trip, how he got on with his companion etc.
Hopefully it's just an over active imagination causing your worry.

OP please don't think that she's divorced that she'll be interested in your husband. Divorced women usually have a finely tuned bullshit radar and the last thing on Earth they'd want to to is get involved with a married man.

As a divorced women, I see most happily married men as a safe person to be around - that's all.

I dreamt my husband had an affair. When I woke up I was really off with him and just didn't want to talk to him and couldn't settle. I did slap him on the arm too. He said he wasn't responsible for what I dreamt about and really wasn't understanding about how I felt.

Months later I found out at that point he was already messaging the woman he would go on to have sex with.

I also had a couple of other alarm bells going off but dismissed them as I thought I was projecting. No way would he cheat.

Listen to your gut but I hope it is wrong.

Absolutely don’t think that, I was just merely mentioning she was divorced as that’s all I really know. Tbh I don’t want to know more as she’s absolutely nothing to do with me so not really my concern.

I’m defo not saying anything, because they become more defensive and secretive and it’s harder to find stuff out, I learnt that from when a friend of mine confronted her partner about actual evidence. I’ll see if he’s more defensive over his phone, he often gives it to me when we are driving to reply to messages, so I would be able to see anything if I wanted whilst he’s dictating. I’ve never had a reason to check before but I’ll be more vigilant now. When I got the first intrusive thought the first thing I did was to check his draw to see if the pouch of condoms was still there and there were the same amount as the last time we used them. Obviously I know you can buy them elsewhere, but that chilled me a bit. I’ll have access to his personal iPad on Monday when he goes to work as he doesn’t take that, he gets everything sent to that obviously via iCloud. Only thing I can’t see on there is what’s app.

Yes I would recommend a bit of snooping for reassurance and agree don’t make say anything to him as if he’s hiding something his guard will go straight up:

Are they intrusive thoughts though or are they your intuition telling you something is wrong? You say you have never had them before so there's something that's triggered your anxiety. I found with my ex husband that my uneasy feelings that something was going on always led to an unwelcome discovery of some sort. So don't dismiss them, your intuition is there for a reason.

This sounds like a relatively new job, has he changed at all since he started - confidence? Perspective on things? Amount of time and effort he’s putting into work / home? All of these things could be perfectly innocent and just as reflect the demands of a new job - but these changes might be things you hadn’t realised you’ve picked up on and now he’s away and you’ve gotten time to reflect you’re feeling something has shifted.

Unless you’re feeling anxiety in other areas of your life however, I personally would think this is your gut talking. He may not have done anything yet, so you may find no evidence- but I would keep an eye out, while keeping your powder dry.
Really hope it’s just paranoia from spending too much time on MN though! 😁

I think this is outrageous behaviour. You’re actively spying on someone you purport to love and trust, who has never given you the slightest indication he has done anything wrong.

Of course now my guard is defo up, he called me this morning whilst I was on the way to work, sounded tired but his conference was on until 1am from 8am the morning before (saw the email confirming this, was a conference and then award evening) so could just be coincidence, told me he was going for breakfast at 7, leaving at 8, just checked on life 360 and he’s still at the hotel, it’s 3.5 hours away, I finish at 12 and he’s supposed to be picking me up on the way home. That’s not gonna happen as he needs to drop colleague off aswell…. Not answered my text either. So intrigued to see where this is going.. winds me up because when we first met I said to him, if you find someone else, that’s fine you can’t help who you fall in love with, but please don’t cheat on me. I’ll have to wait until Monday until I can do any snooping as he’s off at the weekend.

Me too, however im
not sure what I’m supposed to do, I can be more vigilant, but if I say anythink he’s just gonna brush it off either way. I’m hoping he isn’t doing anything untoward. For the sake of us and our dc, if I do snoop and I can’t find anything then he will never know. But if it comes to light he was then I’ll know my instincts are spot on. It’s a bit of a catch 22

No, what I’m saying is that you should refrain from ‘snooping’. If DH were checking my devices and my contraception because of his own paranoia and insecurity I would find that an enormous breach of trust.

I don’t blame you tbh if he’s mot responding to texts and spending all this extra time in the car with her too.

Could there be a bit of transference going on? You and your DP have just lost a family member. Could it have made you worry about what it would be like to lose DP, and thats now coming out as a worry that he might cheat on you.

On another note, please don't snoop through his devices. Theres absolutely nothing on my phone that my DP would be upset about, but I'd be absolutely livid if she went through it. It's private, I basically consider it an extension of my brain at this point, and I'd feel the same about someone nosing through it as I would if they could read my mind. I'd seriously be considering ending my 20 year relationship if DP did what you're considering.

ill probably chicken out before then because the thought sounds obsurd, I’ll have to re evaluate the situation, if thier is a situation to evaluate. See how he acts when he gets home. I know this is nuts but I’ve never had this before when he’s been with other female co-workers some of which he’s been to training etc. I just can’t put my finger on it. He wanted me to call when I finished to see where he was up to, I checked life 360 and he’s miles away, because he left late, didn’t leave until 9.30 by the looks of it, he messaged me back shortly after my last post. I didn’t message him back nor am I gonna call him because he’s in the car so she will be able to see and hear everything, and I know my voice is gonna sound pissed so it’s best I just wait for him to call me once he’s dropped her off. Ahh this is an awful feeling… he’s calling me now, debating wether to answer..

If your gut is screaming that loudly I think I would look - yes I know everyone will get hysterical about invasion of privacy but for your own sanity and the sake of your marriage I suspect you’ll do less harm by looking than either accusing him / being off with him / worrying yourself sick etc etc. and frankly if he’s got something to hide you need to know so you can protect yourself.
I’d absolutely speak to him while he’s in the car with her - you’ll get a sense of whether he’s being ‘normal’ infront of her or not. You don’t have to say anything, just check out his behaviour.

Trust your gut

I answered, He sounded absolutely fine, said love you at the end… I on the other hand probably sounded like a uninterested bitch to her, he knows I don’t like speaking whilst on the bus especially if it’s busy. I’m not one for others to listen to my conversations, hence why I don’t want to talk whilst she was in the car. He picked up the food I asked him to get… so, so far so good. I’m really on the fence about checking his devices. I’d like to know but there’s also no guarentee if he is doing anything I’ll find evidence. I’d need to look at what’s app, his phone is hard to check as he’s mostly glued to it between work and his dad’s estate.

Op I think you sound controlling. You check up on his location, you check his devices. You’re working out what time he left and you’ll be angry at him for not leaving when you expected.

if you were a bloke you’d have your arse handed to you on here

Can you read? Because I never once wrote that I check his devices, I was thinking about it… not yet done it… haven’t even thought about it before today, if you asked him if I’m controlling he’d laugh you out the door. He always says I’m so laid back I’m almost vertical which would then lead him to make some sexual innuendo. As for the tracking, we both do that, usually him more than me actually. Usually to check where I’m at and see if he’s passing by to give me a lift. Trust in our relationship has never been an issue. This is why it’s so crazy to me I was even having these thoughts… I really don’t understand it

I know a lot of people say "trust your gut" bur personally, I don't always trust mine. Sometimes it's right, sometimes it's wrong. However, I think what you should do is have an honest conversation. Tell him exactly how you're feeling and observe his reaction. If he's genuine he might even say "look at my phone if you need reassurance". My DP leaves his phone around, if I was ever feeling insecure or worried he would let me check his messages too. Likewise, he can go on my phone and check what he needs to. Snooping paints you in a bad light and unfortunately becomes an obsessive little habit (take it from me.. slippery slope!). Do keep an eye out though, obviously. Note anything suspicious.