Is there a solution to this?

[emotionallyopen]

First of all, let me apologize for what will be a long post. There is a lot to unpack.

I'm a 60 YO father of two teenagers, my OH is 18 years younger with two children from a previous, 14 year, same sex relationship and civil partnership. She has a 14 YO daughter (ex was birth mother) and an 8 YO son (she is the birth mother), who is autistic. I have known the son almost from birth as we met when she was near term but I have not had any interaction with the daughter (more below). I have an amzing relationship with the son.

Six years ago, OH made the decision to have an abortion of our baby, a decision I disagreed with but supported her through and loved her the more for afterwards as I know it was a no-win situation for her. Unfortunately, she told her ex she was pregnant.

Two years ago, she told her ex that we wanted me to get to know both children better. OH did not follow the recommendation from couples counselling we sought but merely texted her ex. The ex blew up at this, drove to school, took her daughter out and sh*t-dumped on her about the baby and all her perceived poor treatment. When OH then went to collect her son that weekend, she was spat and kicked at. This resulted in a police visit (not the first, more below).

Last June, I was diagnosed with stage 2 melanoma. I'm currently going through immunotherapy after successful removal through surgery. OH has not been to any of my treatments (aside from initial diagnosis and collecting me post-surgery) as she refuses to be beholden to her ex in asking for a childcare change.

More on the ex:

• A narcissistic controller
• Has extreme anger issues
• Has entitlement issues
• Now has a new GF

The issue is that OH and I are now creaking and we can't see a way forward. I'm not happy, she's not happy. The daughter continues to refuse to have any to do with me which restricts what we can do. We've been invited to OH's parents 50th wedding anniversary in the Canaries but obviously I cannot attend. This exclusion from everything has worn my extreme patience to the bone.

We can only see three ways forward:

• We end our relationship and go our separate ways. This would be unbelievably hurtful for not just us but my two as well as they have developed their own relationship with OH. The ex would be cock-a-hoop at this as this is her ultimate aim.
• Informing the daughter that like it or not, I am part of OH life and need to be included in thins. The risk is that she will then live permanently with the ex and OH would be heartbroken.
• We carry on as we are but try and find ways to improve the situation.

So, I'm looking for some sage advice. We've been to couple counselling and the daughter has had differing counselling of her own (not related to this issue).

Thanks you for your patience in reading this.

Does your OH enjoy goading her ex? There was absolutely no need to tell the ex she was pregnant especially knowing she was going to terminate the pregnancy, but she did, why?

Why did she choose to completely disregard the recommendation from counselling on how to communicate with her ex and instead caused an explosion?

And so what if the ex is cock-a-hoop if you split up? That shouldn’t even have any bearing on your decision. Is it the case that your OH feels that it’s better to be in a miserable relationship than let her ex ‘win’?

She told her ex before her decision to have the abortion was made. It can't be underestimated the depth of control that she had endured and this was a hangover from that.

I don' know the exact reason she ignored the counselling advice but it was probably to avoid the kind of confrontation she knew would happen (as later panned out when she was spat and klicked at).

The ex has a lot of bearing on this. She is the one influencing the daughter and the daughter doesn't want to engage to avoid the explosion of anger that would occur from the ex if if she did.