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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

11yr relationship, is this abuse?

5 replies

JLA90 · 20/03/2025 21:11

I’ve been with my partner for over 11yrs and we have a 2yr old. For years we have had a turbulent relationship as he struggles with his mental health & i dont know what i’m going to get each day.. either the happy him or the angry/miserable him. His escape used to be taking cocaine and going missing for days on end with no contact after any slight bit of stress. He gave up drink & drugs a year ago but has had a few relapses since then. He blamed these outbursts on me & my character every time saying it was my fault as I stress him out which left me feeling confused about whether it was my fault. He struggles with caring for our daughter and finds the terrible 2’s tantrums too much leading me to solo parent and do absolutely everything on my own. A few days ago we had an argument, he said I only care about my daughter and not him, I told him to calm down to which he ran over to me and shouted ‘what did you just say’ at the top of his voice in my face, i asked him to leave me alone then he pushed me on the bed and grabbed my neck and told me to shutup. He left the room then I asked him to leave the house, he then ran back to me & shouted in my face telling me not to speak down to him. Luckily my daughter was not there but I felt really scared so i left the house & went to my parents & sent him a message asking why he did that to which he replied ‘Back in your place where you belong. Getting a bit big for your boots, try speaking to me like shit again and make me out to be a bad person.’.. he said he would only leave if i pay him £28k which I can’t possibly get, the most I can get on a loan is £10k. The mortgage is in my name but he has lived in the house & paid half of it for 8yrs. When I returned home, he had left but not taken any of his things which has left me feeling worried. I don’t want to live like this but i also dont any harm to come to him. I feel like I am a nice person, i try my best to be a good Mum and alls i have ever wanted is a happy life with my family but he makes it feel so difficult. It’s the same cycle every few months of these outbursts then him going missing for days. I feel lost and confused; I really dont know what to do anymore. Any advice would be appreciated.

OP posts:
BellissimoGecko · 20/03/2025 21:44

I’m sorry this has happened to you.

Go to the police and report his assault on you.

Then get legal advice. I’d start divorce proceedings.

Daysgo · 20/03/2025 21:52

Agree with first poster. It's not safe for you or your child to be with him.

Bubblenum · 20/03/2025 22:07

JLA90 · 20/03/2025 21:11

I’ve been with my partner for over 11yrs and we have a 2yr old. For years we have had a turbulent relationship as he struggles with his mental health & i dont know what i’m going to get each day.. either the happy him or the angry/miserable him. His escape used to be taking cocaine and going missing for days on end with no contact after any slight bit of stress. He gave up drink & drugs a year ago but has had a few relapses since then. He blamed these outbursts on me & my character every time saying it was my fault as I stress him out which left me feeling confused about whether it was my fault. He struggles with caring for our daughter and finds the terrible 2’s tantrums too much leading me to solo parent and do absolutely everything on my own. A few days ago we had an argument, he said I only care about my daughter and not him, I told him to calm down to which he ran over to me and shouted ‘what did you just say’ at the top of his voice in my face, i asked him to leave me alone then he pushed me on the bed and grabbed my neck and told me to shutup. He left the room then I asked him to leave the house, he then ran back to me & shouted in my face telling me not to speak down to him. Luckily my daughter was not there but I felt really scared so i left the house & went to my parents & sent him a message asking why he did that to which he replied ‘Back in your place where you belong. Getting a bit big for your boots, try speaking to me like shit again and make me out to be a bad person.’.. he said he would only leave if i pay him £28k which I can’t possibly get, the most I can get on a loan is £10k. The mortgage is in my name but he has lived in the house & paid half of it for 8yrs. When I returned home, he had left but not taken any of his things which has left me feeling worried. I don’t want to live like this but i also dont any harm to come to him. I feel like I am a nice person, i try my best to be a good Mum and alls i have ever wanted is a happy life with my family but he makes it feel so difficult. It’s the same cycle every few months of these outbursts then him going missing for days. I feel lost and confused; I really dont know what to do anymore. Any advice would be appreciated.

agree with the first person who responded. i’m sorry you’re going through this but it’s time to take your power back and put your foot down. you can’t live like this forever and it’s not the best environment for your child. if you and your child have to move in with someone else for a while until your house gets sold at least you’re both away from him and his abusive ways. I’m afraid things will only get wise and your child needs her mum around. take action immediately.

AnotherNaCha · 20/03/2025 22:10

Yes abuse. Serious and long standing. He has serious mental health issues and I’m afraid you need to get all your strength together, leave and report him. It doesn’t get better, you can’t help him - I can promise you that sadly. Focus on you and your daughter.

Maitri108 · 20/03/2025 22:16

He doesn't have 'mental health problems ', he's abusive and his behaviour is escalating.

A man who grabs your neck has a high chance of killing you so you've done the best thing by asking him to leave.

I think you should get in contact with a domestic abuse organisation as soon as you can. You can contact the National Domestic Abuse Helpline tonight, they're open 24/7.

At the moment don't worry about the house, just focus on keeping him away. I would bag up his stuff and let him know it's outside the property at a certain time and date. Even better, if you know where he is, dump it there.

You need to change the locks and get a video doorbell. Eufy does a good one.

Tell him to go to court for access and collect evidence of his abuse: voicemail, text messages, social media, doorbell recordings etc

If he threatens you or gets aggressive then contact the police.

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