To not believe that I will ever feel okay

[JulesVE]

Husband of 18 years left two years ago now to be with the woman he was having an affair with. They now live together with her three children. He still sees out three children twice a week. On the outside, I have kept things going okay. But inside; I am very alone, scared and feeling very worthless. Ex husband wouldn’t initiate divorce so I also had to do that which hit me financially. I work full time so was able to manage but it was hard. Ex pretends I don’t exist. He picks children up - they are both age 6 and below - and he just pretends like I am a stranger which I am now, but it is hard.
I am in therapy and I am trying to do all the things to help, exercise, seeing friends when I can, sleeping well but it feels like I won’t ever recover from the hurt.
We had a good marriage, I thought and I truly loved him. I know it was a sham now but it upsets me that I had children with someone who I really didn’t know. The manipulation and emotional abuse during the affair had probably played into this too.

Sounds like a cliché but honestly the best thing to do is keep busy. Join the gym or some hobby groups.

Ignore him. Get someone else to do the kid pick ups and drop offs so you don't have to interact or see him. There's only room for one arsehole in your life and that's your own. Kick him away and let the trash deal with him (his new bird - who lets face it is probably wondering if he'll do the same thing to her as he did to you).

You sound like your doing amazing.

its right that one day you will feel better. Until then just keep doing what your doing.

He on the other hand ….. it’s a cliche. I would put money on the new relationship not working out and him ending up regretful and alone.

But by then you’ll be living your best life. Focus on you. I agree …. Join the gym. Get a project. Do something that makes you feel good.

And when your ready go dating. You’ve totally got this! 💐

Thank you for the advice. It seems one day at a time is the answer, even if it seems intolerable at times.

This sounds like you're grieving. Which seems entirely appropriate to me. The man you thought you knew, the one you married, had children with, lived with, was a completely different person to the one you thought he was. You've lost the future that you imagined. It will probably be like a wound that heals over in time but leaves a scar.

I don't know why it's you that feels worthless. You stood by your children and your marriage and trusted your husband. You sound great.

He's the one that should have low self esteem. He cheated on his wife and abandoned his children. He lied and manipulated you and that's why he can't look you in the eye OP.

Why is his opinion important? I would really work hard on your self esteem. The Six Pillars of Self Esteem is good, focus on a goal like couch to 5k to take your mind off things. Build yourself back up as you've done nothing wrong and his behaviour has nothing to do with you.

You're absolutely not worthless
Please never think that

I think I am grieving. I haven’t thought of it like that before but it makes a lot of sense. Supporting two very young children through the upheaval doesn’t leave a lot of room for time to consider.

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. What you've been through is incredibly painful, and it makes complete sense that you're still hurting. Betrayal like that shakes your whole sense of trust—not just in your ex, but in your own past and choices. It's okay to grieve and feel the loss deeply.

The fact that you're working, taking care of your children, going to therapy, and trying to engage with friends shows how incredibly strong you are—even if it doesn’t feel that way right now. Healing isn’t linear, and there will be days that feel impossible, but that doesn’t mean you won’t find peace and happiness again.

It wasn’t you who was unworthy—it was him who failed to live up to the commitment he made. His actions say everything about him, not you. Keep giving yourself the same kindness you’d give a friend in your shoes. You will be okay again, even if it takes longer than you’d like. Sending you strength.

@JulesVE, I think 2 years is still a short time frame for a full recovery. Ime recovery can only start once divorce is finalised as until then you linked. When did your divorce get finalised?

It also takes time to recover from the physical and emotional shock, which you have had to do whilst taking care of children.

Looking from the outside, your ex has swapped a life with his children to living with 3 children he isn't related to. It will be extremely challenging to blend families so his life won't be blissful.

He can't look or interact with you because deep down he will be ashamed of his actions but to soothe his guilt he will have to blame you.

Men who leave marriages for OW are weak and shallow and they don't form deep attachments to anyone including their children. It's sad for your children but as you are their constant parent they will always rely on you.

I can't imagine he is really enjoying life with someone else children as step parenting is very difficult and not often rewarding. Time will tell!

The thing I've learned about grieving (from another situation) is that you actually need time to do it. You're working full time and you have your children 90% of the week it seems, plus you're doing all the things by yourself that you'd always had a partner for. It's a LOT.

I agree with keep busy in theory but you probably don't even have time to keep busy because you're already busy! You just need to keep going OP.

Would EOW help though? It doesn't seem that he's actually spending any time with his own kids...

Thank you everyone. Sometimes it just takes someone to say it wasn’t your fault and that you will be okay.
Life is very busy and I don’t see that changing any time soon. Ex isn’t willing to have children more as the house he shares with the OW is her old family
home and isn’t large enough for everyone. It isn’t a pleasant situation. My children are coping well but they are still young and I worry about my son as he is quite a highly feeling child, gentle and kind and I know he struggles with my ex’s expectations of him.

Excellent post!