I went on my first girls holiday 6 months ago with my newly single best friend while I was in a happy 5 year relationship. Im not a huge drinker so the whole holiday I was rarely even drunk but one night we went to a club and a foreign man asked us to go in VIP - I was hesitant and didn’t reply. My friend said yes and I looked at her uncomfortably and said I don’t think it’s a good idea with me having a boyfriend. She wanted to go in so I went along with it. We waited at the VIP area for security to let us in and I was stressed and saying to her I don’t think this is a good idea but she insisted it would be good Security let us in - there were 6 men, no other girls at this point. Immediately felt uncomfortable. They had bought a drinks package and handed us shots straight away. Again I was hesitant to take it but they were all watching and cheering us on to take it. Figured I would just try and enjoy it - 3am danced, sang and videoed the DJ. 3 other girls were brought into the VIP area so felt more relaxed as they were getting attention off the men. After a while I noticed my friend was gurning. I went into panic thinking we had been spiked and told her. She started to panic too and I told her I felt uncomfortable, she didn’t want to leave because they were giving us free drinks. She said she was fine and I was overthinking it so I just left it but kept an eye on her. I started to feel a bit dizzy/high and I can’t remember much after this but on videos just looks like I was enjoying the music. My memory comes back in waves and I remember we kept getting handed drinks and I turned down a few times but they were being persistent when I said I didn’t want one. They were saying “come on I’ll take one too” so I felt like I had to. I was really drunk by this point. I was speaking to one man who was clearly off his face. We were just talking about general stuff like what they do for work but he was really shady about it and didn’t give me much information. The man who I got with also got involved in this convo but there was nothing flirty at all he was just asking about food in the UK as they were from the USA. My friend was talking and getting closer with the boy. I have videos of them hugging and didn’t think much of it at the time as I was really drunk. I asked her to come to the toilet with me and wondered when we were leaving but she was saying it’s still early so not yet (it was after 4am). Baring in mind I was literally just enjoying the music all night I didn’t flirt in any way, shape or form with any of the men. We came out and two men were outside the toilet telling us they had ordered a taxi and the others have gone back. I was tugging my friend stressed because I really didn’t want to go back but she was saying it’ll be fine they just want to go back for drinks and that the other girls were going back. I don’t remember the taxi journey back. But I remember getting back to the hotel and feeling uncomfortable all over again. We got to the room and one of the men was lying asleep on the bed. They woke him and pushed him out the room telling him to go elsewhere. Then another boy came in and started chucking water and shouting at the one who I got with. My friend said it was apparently because he wanted to get with us but I don’t think so, I didn’t even speak to him the whole night ! My friend and the man went into the bathroom and I was sitting on the bed, he was standing up near me and all we could hear was them having sex. I felt SO awkward. He made a comment like “are we next?” I awkwardly laughed and said no I’m not doing anything I have a boyfriend then he looked upset. He kept trying to talk to me but I was barely replying because I didn’t want to give him the wrong idea and just to try and make a point. Honestly this part is all a blur - I remember him asking me to go on the balcony and I was like why? He said just so we can talk. I went out and he started trying to kiss and touch me, I was really nervous, didn’t kiss back and kept saying no. He was ignoring what I was saying then I got overwhelmed and walked back into the bedroom and sat on the bed. He was asking me what’s up and I just said I didn’t want anything. Finally my friend came out and I just looked at her uncomfortably as the man followed her out. She said nothing and I genuinely looked like I was going to cry. The friends started talking to each other about me right in front of me and I was silent. He was saying “she’s stressed” while rolling his eyes and then they were saying how she’s just gone in and now I should, I again said I didn’t want to and they were both asking me why and I felt really pressured. It was the way they were looking at me with disappointment. He was saying come on just come in, and the friend was egging me on. I gave in but when I got in the bathroom I said awkwardly I really didn’t want to do anything. He ignored me and again started trying to kiss me and touch me and I was pulling away. I don’t think I even kissed him back honestly I can’t remember. I genuinely think I went into shock as I just didn’t react because I knew he wouldn’t listen. I don’t understand how he could even be turned on because I was giving him NO signs that I wanted anything. He knew how uncomfortable I was it was all over my face and body language. He told me to turn around and I don’t know why I did but then pulls my dress up and knickers down and I genuinely just froze. It felt like an out of body experience. I was just thinking What am I doing? Luckily it was quick but I hated every second of it and when it was over I was almost sick and physically shaking. He then asked if I wanted to be licked out and I said no it’s fine, he was like why don’t you want to and I said I needed the toilet so he just left it thankfully. I went out into the bedroom where my friend and him were in bed and I think he went in the shower. I was literally in shock and just kind of sat on the bed. My friend was getting fingered in the bed and I was literally shaking and thought she was busy so couldn’t say anything. He came out, waltzing around naked and kept asking me if I was ok and I couldn’t even look at him and just said mhm then he said he can read me like a book and to tell him what’s wrong??? Just met him how the hell can he read me like a book. I said nothing was wrong and just sat silently. My friend and the man she slept with got involved in the convo and they were just talking about what we do for work etc. they mentioned that they “ship goods internationally” (meaning drugs). I remember him trying to touch me again and I whispered no and pushed his hands off me. He grabbed my neck basically strangling me and I remember just feeling really scared and asking what the fuck was that. He then turned over towards my friend and I just sat thinking about the whole thing and wondering how I could just cheat on my boyfriend. I felt physically sick. After about half an hour I kept looking at my friend as if to say can we leave then I got up and started getting my shoes on. They asked if we were going back the next day and my friend said yeah just give us a message so she got his number. I literally didn’t even speak or say bye i was still shaking at this point I just felt so guilty thinking I cheated. The whole taxi journey home I was silent. My friend kept asking me what’s wrong??? We got back to the hotel and I went straight in the shower for about 20 mins washing every single bit of my body and just crying sat on the shower floor. I just wanted to talk about it but she said it’s the last day, forget about it and not to be in a mood. I told her I didn’t want to go back and I didn’t care if it was VIP and she was again trying to persuade me but I said no. She kept bringing it up throughout the day saying how squashed we were going to be in the club tonight but I just kept saying I’m not going back so she kept taking a huff.
Me and my boyfriend have been working things out for 3 months and we went to counselling a month ago where she said it didn’t sound like consent. I’m struggling to understand what happened