My Sisters and I have known something was very wrong with our Mother for a few years. We are all professional woman in our 30s with partners. Mum will bring us down at every opportunity. My sister got married last year, she turned up late to her wedding to make an entrance and wore a wedding gown. She told embarressing stories about my sister to her friends from her childhood during the wedding. She complained about the venue etc to the bride during the day. All in all she ruined both our weddings and younger sister has decided to elope as a result.
She ruined my graduations by talking about how inconvient attending the graduation and cost to her. Despite us having bursaries and tution fees and me working three jobs to fund it. I remember when I was in 2nd year of Uni having to get a train to Uni with my clothes and belongings in plastic bin bags as she wouldnt get me a suit case or drive me. ‘She couldnt be bothered’. This pattern continued throughout my undergraduate career and into my working life. She never supported our professions. Infact shes mentioned numerous times that I must be ashamed of mines.
I was reflecting on how she used to act when we were in adolscence. Growing up in a small town she would come to the same pubs as us when we were 18 or so and drink. Flirt with the sixth form boys and tell them how to give their girlfriends orgasms. Obviously on the Monday at School this was humiliating for me and my sisters. She even kissed a sixth form boy on the dance floor of one of our local discos. At the time we were obviously gaslit by her to think this was normal, clearly its not. It makes my angry knowing I am now a similar age to her at the time and would never be either interested in speaking to 18 year old boys or feel its in any way apprioprate.
Our dad was not as involved and her new husband is an enabler. She would have a new boyfriend at the house every couple of weeks when we were little before she met him, we would hear her giggling and having sex. She always had enough money for holidays with them but never any for us to have a PE kit or bus money.
I hear her giving parental advice to peers and it makes me shudder. Spending any time with her results in a one week (at least) recovery period psychologically. She uses us and our jobs and success as a tool to show off at her work, despite barely being in touch with us. She even will come to my city have lunch and not let us know she is down the road.
I am so so angry with how our childhood was - I suppose I am reflecting more as I am trying for my old child. My younger sister does not want her involved with her child and I am starting to feel similar.
Does anyone have any resources or know any therapists who specialise in this? I honestly sometimes think my life would be easier if she was dead. I feel guilty for feeling that. I have grieved having any sort of normal mother for several years.