My girlfriend and I have been together for almost 7 years, we have a child together and I know that we both love each other very much. When her and I first got together porn was never an issue we had a few conversations about porn but it was mostly just a “what do you watch” kind of thing. Fast forward about a year after we started dating her dad was kicking her out of his house and she had no where to go so we got an apartment together things were great at first we spent all of our time together when we weren’t working making dinner together, cleaning together, going on walks every night, it was amazing. But then she started going through job after job and each time it would get longer until she found her next one. During this time I began to feel like I couldn’t trust her and started becoming more distant and replacing our sex life with jacking off to satisfy my needs. Finally 2 months went by where I had to pay all of the bills (rent, utilities, insurance, phone, cars) during this time she brought up my use of porn and how she felt it was destroying our relationship. Which looking back it probably was, I was replacing our intimacy with women online she kept giving the ultimatum that I either stop watching porn all together or she was going to leave. At first I kept telling her that I wasn’t willing to give it up this went on until about a month after she got a new job and started bringing money back into the house I started feeling more comfortable In our relationship and I caved I did and do really love this woman. Over the next month or so I told her I had stopped watching porn all together but I wasn’t being honest with her. I had slowed down quite a bit but haven’t stopped. One day she catches me and says if it happens again she’s leaving me, so I put it to the side in hopes I could repair the damage I had caused in our relationship and help her heal from the trauma I had caused her. I stopped all together but the lack of trust had taken its toll on her, she would bring it up everyday and not just ask but pester me in what felt like her hoping to catch me lying about it. Months went by and everyday was something new about how she heard a girl on a video even tho it wasn’t provocative or again pestering me with questions about still watching porn or about how I looked in the general direction of some girl at a store. One day I had a buddy over and we were talking about his relationship with his girlfriend at the time (they weren’t in a good place either). He didn’t want my gf to listen to the conversation for whatever reason and so we went into another room and closed the door to talk about what was going on. Right after he leaves my gf starts laying into me about how I was showing him some girl on onlyfans I tried for hours to reassure her that it was just about his gf and that I wasn’t watching anything provocative in the slightest she eventually got up pissed saying that this was the last straw. I stupidly made the decision being sick and tired of the constant arguments, lack of sleep and complete lack of trust that I decided to pay for a girls onlyfans. She found out the next day while I was at work and called saying she was packing her bags and leaving. We ended up talking it out and a few weeks later started counseling. It seemed to be working at first she was starting to open up and heal from the trauma I had caused and I started to learn to communicate and listen to her better. But that’s when the counselor said the insurance had run out so we could no longer afford to see him. After this it was one thing after another, you can’t listen to this song or that song or this genre of music and then we can’t watch a movie unless it’s pg13 and then even that changed bc there were to many scenes of women in bikinis or mini skirts. She stopped going into stores with me “because there’s to many *”. The list goes on. There were still arguments very often but as more time went on they became fewer and fewer. Fast forward to a year ago I brought up how I felt controlled and confined, if we were so much as at a friends and they play a song by a female, not me playing the song but someone else, it was almost a guarantee to be an issue after we left, we couldn’t sit down and watch a movie without fast forwarding or me having to get up unless it was like a Disney cartoon movie. A couple months later she brought up how she didn’t want me to feel controlled anymore and that we should get rid of the agreement that we came to I thought it was a good idea but expressed that I wanted to make sure she still felt loved and cared for, like she was the apple of my eye and the only person I wanted to be with. It started off well we started watching more movies but every time we would she wouldn’t want to do anything intimate for the next few days. We ended up getting to the point a few weeks ago where she would just randomly turn on a song that she used to get pissed about. I talked to her about it and said I wanted to work on this issue together to be able to overcome it. Over the last several months she’s gotten colder, more distant and a LOT less loving, thoughtful and caring. I talked to her last night for the second time in 2 months and told her that if this is going to work we need an actual plan because all we’re doing is hurting each other.she wants to talk more over the next few days but says that if porn is ever in our relationship she will never feel loved. I don’t want porn to distract from her or our sex life but often there are times where she doesn’t want to do anything and I need to have a release for my sexual tension. What do I do? How can we overcome these issues and be happy with each other again?? Is it possible or am I just living in a dream world?
Well… as the title says is this the end??