How to deal with the constant negativity

[An0n1]

I'm currently living with family after a really difficult relationship breakdown. I'm very grateful that they are putting me up and until things are finalised and our house sells I'm not in a position to move out so they're doing me a massive favour which makes this trickier to navigate.

My mum and I have never been close, she was very difficult to live with as a child and I left home as soon as I was able and turned 18. I'm now in my late 30s and I'm really struggling being back as an adult. The main thing is the constant criticism. She critiques everything I do, my parenting, how I spend my time, my job, what I eat, my weight and appearance. The goal posts are constantly changing, she'll ask me to do something which I'll do but then she'll change it slightly so she can be annoyed at me for getting it "wrong". She continually 'reminds' me of things she thinks I don't know to do like changing my child's nappy or checking his bag before we go out for the day and it's just so insulting because I'm a good mum and I've been doing things alone for a while now so these comments aren't needed. She's always been like this since I was a child but now I'm watching it as an adult and I can see how problematic and manipulative she is. When I've tried to challenge her (fairly and respectfully and only around things to do with my child that involve their safety) she immediately cries victim and will slate me to anyone who will listen. Her friends must think I'm awful but haven't got even close to the full picture so she's created an echo chamber for herself where she's validated.

I know I can't really do anything about it - she's not going to change and at the end of the day I'm in her home. So I guess what I need is advice on how I manage this on a day to day. I keep out of her way as much as I can, ask for as little as possible and be as respectful as possible of her space. I exercise, meditate, go for regular counselling, focus as much as I can on giving my child lovely days but it's actually making me ill. I'm so tense all the time I'm around her that I'm getting awful migraines and neck and back pain. I just feel like I'm existing at full capacity all the time and it's affecting my ability to have the emotional resource for other things like the practical side of my divorce and applying for new jobs (which I need in order to not have to rely on her for any childcare - she currently does 2 evenings a week for me). Today I promised myself a self care day and I've done some practical tasks I needed to get done but I feel so depleted that I just want to hide away in my bed until my child comes home. My head is so fried I can't even make a decision on what I should do to look after myself. She knows I've a day off today so she's been at my door since dawn calling me lazy and offloading all the things she's meant to be doing today onto me so she can go out and about. I'm a lone parent, all my time is spent on either my child or my ft job I am so far from lazy.

I'm so sorry you have to put up with this, it sounds absolutely awful. I understand you can't do anything until your house is sold but is there anyone else who could let you stay with them even if it was only a few nights a week. Just so you could get a break from your mom.
Don't really know what you can do without upsetting your precarious living situation because if it was me I'd have to sit my mom down and have her explain why she feels she needs to keep kicking me when I'm down. Hopefully someone comes along with some good advice for you. Keep your chin up and hopefully you aren't stuck there too long🤞

What a dreadful position you're in OP - you have my sympathy.

If you were talking about a partner MNers would be saying LTB. You are in an abusive relationship, but I think that you know that. You've tried talking to her, but as narcissists usually do when challenged, she cried 'victim' & blamed you.

Perhaps understanding that you are dealing with a narcissist & looking up for advice about this might help. As PP poster suggested, perhaps you could get away for a few days & have a break from this?

Maybe making plans for your & your children's future may also help you see that this won't last for ever & you will be able to leave her household. This may make it more bearable.

Sending you my love - hang on in there, things will improve once you can move out. 😘

Are you paying or able to pay your mum rent? And are you going to therapy - or able to - to deal with the feelings after your relationship breakdown?

Sorry - yes you are going for counselling. Can your counsellor give you some advice on this? And can you treat your house like somewhere you don’t spend any time in during the day? If you save all the chores for morning and evening and work in cafes during the day, eg..

It's difficult because you're in her home and the only answer is to leave.

She's emotionally abusive and constantly moving the goalposts is typical. She just wants to get at you.

I really recommend you do the Freedom Programme if you can. It will teach you about healthy relationships which you didn't experience growing up.

It sounds like you're doing everything you can, having counselling, meditating and trying to grey rock her. You need to learn to disengage so her behaviour doesn't effect you.

Is there absolutely nobody else you could stay with? even if its just for a few days/weeks. Trading one unhealthy relationship for another cant be good for you or your child.
As you said your mother is never going to change so this situation is never going to get better until you exit it.

Airbnb at the week ends?

At the moment they've said they just want me to save as much as possible which is very good of them. They're in a very good financial position and I did offer to pay rent and towards the childcare they are doing but they refused. My mum has since come back and suggested I save through her and she'd keep the money for me but I was wary because she's been financially controlling in the past and I don't want to do anything that would be seen as fraud as I get a bit of UC towards nursery costs so I said no and again offered to just pay her rent which she said no to. I generally spend very little time at home during the day, I work full time and I make sure I'm out in the morning if I'm working later shifts and I am out for the full day Saturday and Sunday with my child but obviously he needs some time at home as well and a sense of routine. I'm reluctant to stay elsewhere regularly because I'm very conscious he's had so much change and I want him to have a secure base and a sense of stability until I can get us something permanent. We've moved very far so I'm nowhere near my normal support base but travel to see them at the weekends which is always lovely. I think the criticism of my parenting is what gets my goat the most because it's just so hypocritical given how I was parented. My counsellor is great and I do get a lot from it. I've been in counselling on and off over the years due to my relationship with her and I've done a lot of work around relationships and boundaries (my relationship with his dad wasn't abusive he just isn't involved now) so I do see it for what it is. It's just the practical strategies I feel like I'm missing to calm myself in the moment when I really just want to tell her to f off. Picturing a better future for myself and my child helps a lot.

When my school bully said nasty things to me I agreed with her and went 'yeah, you're right, ummm' and I walked off, it confused her. If your mum is looking for a reaction don't give her one.