Friendship issue - go chasing again or let it be?

[Delphinaa]

I have always felt that I need to do the chasing to get my oldest school friend to committ to meeting up. Then there would be ages making arrangments and frequent last minute cancellations which is both exhuasting, disapointing and demoralising. She is happy to have a 100% text relationship or ring me erratically to vent about something. I would prefer a face to face meet up and when it actually happens is always great fun for both of us.

Last year after yet another cancellation I decided to match her energy and I didnt hear from her for 6 months. I was the one to break the silence with a text at Christmas - and all seemed fine with a 'lets catch up soon' which I agreed to but this time didnt follow up chasing for dates etc. Here we are now 3 months later. Its her birthday next week - do I crack and chase for a birthday meet up - or just read to room that shes just not into me? Has anyone ever had 'the converstion' ? I would like to express that I feel deprioritised but she is volatile and is likely to kick off. Another of our friends had similar issues and just dropped contact years ago - but I was happier to put up with more and keep trying. For context nothing major going on in her life going by her xmas text.

Should I just send a birthday card and accept your friendship is over? I would like to text to meet up but expect to be given the usual runaround which I am trying to calculate if I can tolerate. I sound needy and desperate which is not the case as I have lots of fun family and friends but I think this old friend represents a final link from a significant part of my past (secondary school) which I cherish.

Do I resist my urge to make contact and save my dignity or throw caution to the wind and send her a text?

There are two possibilities. One is she wants to see you but she's used to you making the effort and the other is that she is not that bothered. I would stop suggesting meeting up and see if she does. Or do a breezy "let's catch up soon" which lots of people say but don't mean. I'm autistic and it took me a long time to realise this.

Just send her a birthday card and then leave it. She’ll either get in touch or not, but at least then you’ll know whether she’s prepared to actively contribute to the friendship.

I’ve been there and it sucks. But I felt better for establishing my own terms and no longer getting frustrated at being the only one to make an effort.

It depends whether the relationship is important enough to you as it is (not as you would clearly like it to be) for you to continue along your current way, proposing meetings, initiating contact etc. If it's not, then step away. But given that all you seem to be doing is occasionally texting her, it's not exactly onerous, is it? But if it's making you feel down, then stop.

I would send a birthday text and then leave it.

Life is too short for flakey people.

I have people in my life who match my efforts in my life now. I don't mean we are in each other's pocket but all make plans as do I and it's easy and relaxed.

I'm with @GoldBeautifulHeart

Honestly I’d leave it. People make the effort with the people who they want to see and it seems like you’re not up high enough for her. It doesn’t mean she doesn’t love and value you as a friend. I have friends who I truly love but my life is just so busy and chaotic I’ve had to prioritise and decided I’d rather see fewer friends more often, than a wider circle but only v rarely. You don’t say how far you live, but o think that makes a difference as it makes it harder. A friend recently moved 3 hours away from us and I realised that our friendship wasn’t important enough to me to weather the 6 hour round trip for lunch! Had she remained within an hour of us I think we’d atill
be friends.

We live a 20 minue drive from each other and would meet in the middle. She isnt busy (doesnt work, no children or partner) and hasnt many friends or family although she does get overwhelmed and fixated on some life stuff eg repairs or chores in the home. I think her life has got smaller over the years maybe she is struggling to cope socially. I will send her a birthday card for next week - her last text at xmas was saying 'lets meet up' and I responded would love to let me know when and where - no response, so I see the ball in her court for meeting up but I have been bored playing cat and mouse for years so wont step back into that again.

Ah fair enough that’s a bit different then. In that case I imagine you’re right and she’s maybe a bit trapped in her little bubble and then maybe it seems overwhelming to reach out - so def worth a card at least. You could always just ask outwardly and say it feels like she doesn’t have time / space for you, which you respect and will leave her if that’s the case, no pressure, but you just didn’t want her to think you didn’t care.

I have a couple of old friends like this. I would instigate a meet up and inevitably they would not confirm or cancel. In the end I stopped. We essentially became a text/call friendship but then in the last year one of the friends has started making more effort. I do go to meet ups and would only cancel if ill but there is still a good chance one of them will cancel so I never count on it anymore. Recently I’ve been injured, neither of them have visited. I accept our friendship for what it is, an old friendship that has become superficial, it may change but I’m ok either way.

I have (or had) a few friends like this. You can’t change their behaviour so you just have to decide how much you want to continue the friendship.

In some cases I let it drift and once I stopped making an effort the friendship fizzled out. In a couple of cases I felt it was worth continuing so have just accepted that it will always be me suggesting dates, and that meet ups will be cancelled fairly frequently.

Given what you’ve said about her, it sounds to me that she’s overwhelmed rather than prioritising other things over you, and that she probably needs you as a friend more than she realises. And as you’ve said you want to maintain that link to your past, I think it’s worth carrying on the friendship in this case.

Just send a card/text and let her know you are around.
And then leave it.
She may be overwhelmed and suffering from depression but if she won’t let you in, there is nothing you can do.
You are clearly upsetting yourself and no friend is worth that.
Concentrate on your own life and hobbies and friends. You sound like a really good friend but a friendship can only work if two people meet in the middle.