Who are these woman that want to be with men who treat their exs and children poorly?

[Glitterbug21]

This is a question that had been pondering me for a while. My ex abused me and caused all kinds of problems and as a result his daughter who is 13 refuses to see him. His son who is 9 is barely interested either. The new gf was an affair partner who he moved into our home weeks after kicking me and the kids out. this was quite a while ago but I still get agro and my kids still feel the effects of these events.

now obviously the first person to blame here is the man, but my situation is not rare, and these men are often not short of girlfriends.

as a woman it baffles me how any one could see that behaviour and find that person attractive! I could never be with someone who could cause harm to their own children, yet it’s very common, but we never here from these woman?

literally just random thoughts on my behalf and I’m interes To hear what others think.

If she was willing to have an affair with him - how he treated you and the kids doesn’t enter her mind. I wouldn’t even categorise her in with other women.

She is piece of 💩 just like he is and they are doing the world a favour by being together.

Before pondering him or her any further, ask yourself how it helps you move on in your life and how does it benefit you.

I think it's likely because your ex knows how to manipulate people. You had a kid with him! He's no doubt blaming you for everything that went wrong and typical people don't like to ask follow-up questions. Ohh she's crazy, but why? What did you do to cause such reaction. I think is a question more people should be asking instead of taking someone's word at gospel. She's been sucked in just like you were no doubt

I think men can be so confusing and flip between women, which can add to confusion. I think it can be easier to gaslight a woman as women are brought up to be people pleasers.

My dd (16) had this scenario recently. A boy had a girlfriend and he contacted my dd 3 times, each time they broke up. In the end I explained to dd he isn’t free and to tell him to go away and sort things out with his girlfriend/ ex girlfriend. They are permanently split now I think but having been messed around twice recently and once last summer dd doesn’t want to see him now. It’s not hard to make a leap that some men don’t bother to end things at all…And the thing is the girlfriend blamed my dd, which so often happens. She was putting stuff on social media about dd getting in the middle of their relationship. From the girl’s perspective this was the case, very different from my dd’s perspective.

So women can treat other women worse than they treat the scummy men. Men have male privilege. It’s more risky to challenge a man as they can be predators yet it is hard wired into us that men are the protectors. The children are part of the woman / mother and can be interpreted as a threat by association.

Because they want to be ‘top dog’ and want their partner’s old family to know their place.

To be honest I know I couldn’t handle falling in love with a man who had an ex-wife and kids. I would hate that shared history constantly in my face. I hate playing second fiddle and I know it would drive me mad if a man had to leave a date with me to meet his ex at A&E as little Johnny sprained his waist at football. I can’t help it, but I would have no compassion or sympathy. I’d be pissed off. But that’s why I have always avoided men with baggage like that. I knew I had to wait for an unmarried, no kids man. And I would tell my daughters exactly the same.

Clearly you have been painted as the “psycho ex” who he was never happy with and she will believe all his lies. Surely no woman would say yep your an abuser, you abused your wife and child that’s fine now would they?!

The only conclusion I can come to, is that my ExH’s partner has been fed the “psycho ex-wife” story 🤷🏻‍♀️ and all of the reasons that we split is because of me and my behaviour.
(When the reality is we’d had numerous conversations over the years of how I was basically a single parent/housekeeper with a useless roommate I happened to be married to….so I’d had enough and left).
From what I know, she was in an abusive relationship previously. As was I before I met ExH, and I know that when we first met, I overlooked and accepted all the red flags purely because he didn’t hit me. So maybe it’s the same for her?
But then again, sometimes I think she’s either complicit in his apathy towards our DCs or she’s too scared of losing the relationship where she’s not subject to violence that she doesn’t challenge him on any of it.
I’ve said numerous times to my DH that if the roles were reversed, and it was him who had DC’s from a previous marriage and he behaved like my ExH does towards the DC’s, I couldn’t just sit by and accept it….but she seems to 🤷🏻‍♀️

For the same reason you married and had children with him. He's obviously very convincing and masks what he's like until he's got his feet under the table.

He'll have fed the OW loads of lies about your relationship and she's frantically looking for excuses to justify her behaviour.

Red flag 101: My ex was crazy...

Agreed, I was the idiot that believed my ex when he spoke about his ex and her not letting him see his child (I was young please don’t judge me too harshly). I didn’t get involved but did believe all his bullshit because he was SUCH a good liar and manipulator. I then had a child with him (not planned) and low and behold he was the exact same with him and I can see exactly why his ex hated him so much and didn’t want him around the child. He was very abusive to me, and not a great dad, but not abusive to our son. I actually get on really well with his ex now and we meet uo with our boys so they have a relationship. He’s gone on to two orher girls and said the exact same shit about me and his ex before, and they’ve BOTH believed it. I don’t get involved and just let him say whatever, genuinely can’t be bothered with justifying myself, as long as the girlfriend is nice to my son when my ex has supervised visits (he lives with his parents again now and the agreement is that they have my son overnight).

As shit as the lead up to your whole situation has been, I absolutely love that you and his other ex get along and are facilitating a relationship between your kid and his sibling.

I tell myself that the day will come where my kids are old enough to see the situation for what it is - and that in itself breaks my heart. Because right now they are still too young to see any of it for themselves. They still get sucked into his Disney dad routine. But the time will come where that doesn’t work anymore and they are going to be heartbroken. My eldest has already had a few occasions where he’s massively let her down, and she really struggled with the emotions of that.
And when they all come to the same conclusions about their dad, guess who’ll have to pick up the pieces again?
That would be me 🫠

She’s actually lovely and we’re very similar, he must have a type 😂 but yes it’s lovely he can be around his brother too, and she’s offered to babysit my daughter who’s 5 months old if me and my partner ever need a break (new man thank god), which is so sweet of her.

I completely get that, my little boy is 4 and is always saying he “wants to go to his dads” because it’s a novelty to him. Don’t worry they 1000% will see him for who he is when they’re older 🩷

I think the point is more, ‘why doesn’t she realise he will treat her the same some?’ You don’t have to care about previous victims to realise you are positioning yourself to be the next victim.

Some women are openly vile to some of their friends, openly betray their confidences, criticize them behind their backs, ghost friends readily. Other women still befriend them. I presume they just enjoy the gossip without stopping to think their confidences are also being betrayed and they are also being bitched about,

Its a similar mentality.

One of my best friends ended up in this situation it was so frustrating to watch. She met this guy who had just left his wife with a 2 year old and a 3 month old baby. Loads of talk about what a psycho she was and how she wouldn't let him see his sons. I love her dearly but she was so thick about it, I guess she just found him very charming. Five years later and what a surprise she's been left with a small child he doesn't bother with and presumably he's telling someone else about her being the bitch ex.

The GF doesn't care about the ex or the children in the least

I agree with this. A friend of mine had an affair with a married man. She didn't seem to care about his wife or kids. It brought another side out to her tbh that I found hard to tolerate.

You don’t have to care about previous victims to realise you are positioning yourself to be the next victim.

Exactly this.

Likewise, an OW might not care about a married man's wife, but surely she can see that a man who will cheat on his current wife will cheat on his next wife.

It's about looking at his past and current behaviour and recognising that this is the most reliable predictor of his future behaviour.

Some people are gullible enough to fall for the 'crazy ex' and the 'she won't let me see my kids' tales that these men so often come out with.

The problem is many women think they're different or they can change him.

They don't see the actual man, they see his potential. "If only I could understand him, I'd change him!" Is the rallying cry of every woman who doesn't see her self worth.

Men should be in a turnkey state. His parents had the job of seeing his potential and developing him into a competent adult.

If you want a fixer-upper, buy a house that needs renovation or a classic car in need of a rebuild. You'll have more chance of actually achieving the desired result.

And when he cheats (again) they cannot understand why!