One year post separation

[Haribostarmixx]

Backstory: Me and my ex were together for 9 years. He left when daughter was 2 because I wasn’t giving him enough attention. Immediately met someone online, moved in with her, introduced our child and they are now engaged.

I lost my house that we owned, I had no job as I became a SAHM after maternity leave. It’s been horrendous. I now work part time and live with my parents.

My question is I feel worse now than I have in the whole year. For those of you who have been through this, when and how does life get any better?
I thought it was going to get easier but it’s not. I’m trying to get myself a place again but it’s so hard to do it alone and I can’t get any help from the govt because I have money in the bank from the house sale. But to get a mortgage I need a decent income which is so hard to get around childcare. He has our child on his 3 days off a week (the days change each week) so he literally has no pressures.

I feel trapped while his life is going exactly how he wants it to. I know I shouldn’t be focussing on him but I can’t help it 😞. I tried dating to distract myself but I’m not ready at all.

Will it get better in time? Can you tell me your stories where life got better again?

A few questions, before being able to say more:

Why do his days off change every week?
And does he support you much, financially?
Are you able to save money, while living with your parents?
And can they do one or two fixed days of childcare for you, while you get more hours / get a permanent job?

Apart from the not being able to buy a house thing, how many life-affirming / fun things are you still able to do? Do you have any hobbies / sports that you do, to help build up your confidence again? Do you invite friends over to your house at weekends when you have your daughter / not? Or just go to theirs?

Thank you for replying.

1. He works a rotating shift pattern and when I asked him for set days he said it’s not his fault that his days off change each week.
2. He does pay the correct maintenance.
3. I am saving money. My parents both work full time so are unable to provide childcare. When LO is in school I’ll have a bit more flexibility to get a better paid job.
4. I mostly go to friend’s houses to stay out of my parents way but they do come to ours occasionally. I go out with friends sometimes and I have some hobbies.

You are still providing him with the childcare he needs to facilitate his work / career. That is really going to limit your work opportunities. As part of the transition for you both it could make sense for him to start sticking to set days. That would mean he needs to have childcare in place for those days if he is working part of them. He may find that a hard concept to grasp as he is now adjusted to you being a SAHM and him seeing his child as and when fits in with other parts of his life. Not sustainable for you though. Lots of discussion with him is needed really. Is he likely to be up for that and step up in his role as co parent?

When I’ve asked for 3 set days it’s just a ‘no’ and he tells me there’s plenty of people who can provide childcare for my working days. When I asked who these people are he said his mum, who also works 🤦‍♀️. He has absolutely 0 empathy and all year I’ve been threatened with court if I say no to anything and I think I’m just burnt out from fighting.

It sounds as though you do need to go to court. Some people will threaten court just because they think it will get them what they want. It’s better that you get a resolution and outcome to this fight than keep in this situation that doesn’t work for you.
Does your child attend a nursery some days of the week? And can you ((you and he) get them more days?
It’s unsettling for you and even for your child that you have to change days every week. And as the other poster says it is massively holding back your career, earnings and other prospects.