Is the marriage dead in the water?

[RandomTrumpet79]

DH and I have been married for 10 years, together 15. We have two children, 10 and 7. Both children have SEND. Husband also has a long term health condition which has left them unable to work in recent years. I have been everyone's primary carer while managing a full time job for a while now. I like my husband but the caring responsibilities without any support has killed any relationship type feelings I may have had. We coexist. If he left I'd feel relieved but I'm aware that that's not a normal feeling to have. He can't afford to live on his own and I wouldn't want him to be put in an awkward financial position. Not least because he's used some of his savings (now gone) to support us. We don't own, we rent. I'm conscious that I don't want to feel like this forever, but also maybe this is just how people feel in long term relationships? I have nobody to talk to so this is eating me up inside but I know he'd be devastated if we split up. But for the children's sake, and his own financial situation, perhaps the plan would be to cohabit without actually being together?

I am so unhappy and confused. I want to do the right thing by everyone. I've spent so long putting everyone else first, I have forgotten to think about whether I'm happy.

I should say, my primary concern is that I'm being unfair given he is unwell, but also that our children will hate me. I like to think that we could actually coparent well, but perhaps I'm being foolish.

@RandomTrumpet79 So sorry to hear how you are feeling. It sounds a really challenging situation for you. Like you say you have clearly put your family and your DH first before yourself for many years and this has taken its toll on your feelings towards him and your family.
Sadly there are no easy answers that leave everybody in a perfect situation. But neither are you in a position to carry on indefinitely as you are now. You need to be happy for those around you to have a positive experience.
Start by trying to carve out time for yourself. Do something you enjoy, build your circle of friends and support. From the you will feel better and can work on making better decisions. Good luck x

We've had an initial conversation. He seems very practical but also really sad as he thinks we are good when we aren't arguing. I just feel so sad about the whole thing but I'm so unhappy.

@RandomTrumpet79 It is good he is being practical about this, but I think you maybe need to be really clear in your own mind what you need to be happy. Not just focussing on what is difficult. What change could you both make to your current relationship that would make you happy? If the answer is nothing or something that is not practical, then you need to ask what you need to be happy. You must be completely clear on what you want. If you are not you risk jumping from the frying pan to the fire. Or do you already understand what you want?/ Need?

The spark has totally gone. At least for me. There's been no intimacy for at least 2 years. I'm in my 30s, that's not something I can live with long term. I have no support network and already feel like a single parent as I have to manage a lot of his stuff as well as the kids. The mental load doesn't get better because when i ask him to do something, he needs reminding and organising through it, so it would just be quicker for me to do it myself. I don't feel loved. I just feel like our current situation is an arrangement. That's it. But then I worry its perimenopause. But then if it was that, I wouldn't feel anything for anyone, which isn't true.

@RandomTrumpet79 It sounds very much like you are running on empty and getting nothing back. But your last sentence suggests that you have developed at least an emotional connection outside the relationship, if not more. Is that the case?

Am emotional connection yes but I know these feelings aren't reciprocated and even so, my feelings about my marriage don't change.

I assume this connection you have is with a work colleague? How are you aware they are not reciprocated? How long have you known eachother?

We've only been working together for about 3 months. It's absolutely not reciprocated. They're just nice to everyone. My silly brain has just formed a crush, that's all. There's no way they'd be interested in me. They go to lunch with other female colleagues etc. We get on well, we have a laugh and a joke, but they're not asking me to lunch or anything so I'm sure the feelings aren't reciprocated in any way.

So you have desires for this guy in your mind and appreciate how he is kind and caring towards you, factors which you feel you lack in your life right now? They way you talk about him going to lunch with other female colleagues makes me sense you feel you wouldn't be good enough for him to feel anything like that? The reality is he knows you are married and is being professional as you know..
But it is a sign you have checked out the relationship. As i asked before, what is the future you want to see? Changing anything from where you are now is going to cause upset. But staying as you are will not make you happy. You need to be clear on your goals and plans. X

I want someone to not rely on me for absolutely everything, both financial and physical. I know that seems harsh but I feel trapped. He never leaves the house apart from to go shopping bor take the kids to school. He has no hobbies, no friends that he stays in touch with. Nothing. I'm his whole world and it feels suffocating that he won't leave the house or exist without me. He says he has no money so we go round on circles. He has no money, so he doesn't do anything.

The colleague knows my husband and i have talked through separation (which we have). I was really upset at work one day and so they asked me what was wrong.

And no, I doubt he'd give me a 2nd glance. He's attractive. He's single. And I'm complete with lots of baggage, plus a body that isn't exactly brilliant. I'm bigger and hate everything about how I look.

When you say, unwell, is it a long-term illness or terminal? You don't have to answer but may help with the context. The role of caregiver and provider for such a long time not only takes its toll, but it's a massive turn off! Having no time for yourself either is brutal.

Enjoy the crush at work, especially if you think that is it isn't reciprocal....and try to take some time for yourself just to get some breathing space if anything else. Those things have helped me tolerate a very similar situation in feeling trapped.

It's a long term disability that could get worse. It could stay as it is, it's very unpredictable. I feel a huge sense of responsibility and obviously a sense that we were meant to be together through sickness and health. But having nobody to help, together with fighting for support with our two SEND children has literally broken me and our marriage.