Husband allowing friends to be disrespectful about my sister to slag off mate

[Yatzydog]

I have found out that my husband has either been joining or allowing his friends to make disparging comments about my sister in a group chat. He thinks that this completely okay because it is nothing to do with her and just taking the piss out of his mate.

We lived abroad for years. He worked with this bunch of losers. Mental health, alcohol, drug, work issues. They have a whatsupp group, which is insane nonense.

He made the mistake of showing "Mark" 's latest insanity (drunken rants at 3 am). I saw mark had written nasty comments about my sister. I challenged husband about this but he snatched the phone away and refused to show me again.

I would had expected him to stop it. Naive!

He then says that it is nothing to do with my sister, it is just taking the piss out of a third mate and I am completely overreacting by saying i find this behaviour by men disgusting. I tried pointing that he had a teenage daughter and that she will probably be spoken about or treated in such a way. But no it is just a joke.

I feel very sad and angry. I now realise that this has been going for years (speaking about my sister). I just feel disgusted. You know the type of idiots. You see them acting and either feel sorry for their girlfriends/wives or think that they wouldn't have girlfriends/wives if they knew what they were really like. I am married to that type of man.

What do you plan to do next, OP?

What does the "third mate" has to do with your sister?

He sounds vile.

Yuck, sorry OP.
I'd be minded to get back on that phone to see what else has been said, particularly by the 'D'H.

What does the "third mate" has to do with your sister?

Third mate is such a "loser" apparently that he wouldn't even try it on with my sister. They met about 8 years one night when we had drinks at my place. Therefore, the whatsapp group joke is that third mate is gay.

It makes me really empty and sad actually.

Okay, I understand!

I can understand that it makes you upset, OP, that behaviour would make me upset too.

So they make misogynistic and homophobic remarks and your husband thinks both are OK. Have you explained why it is no OK? Why would you want to be with someone who does?

What do you plan to do next, OP?

Honestly no idea. There are other things of course. I love my home. Dd is 13. Of course he is mostly okay. But I have to struggle with is 90% okay and 10% a ratio to stay or leave. Or once disgust comes into it, it is over?

He really doesn't understand how repulsive this behaviour is. And it is my fault for overreacting.

misogynistic and homophobic remarks and your husband thinks both are OK.
Yep, standard. I knew about the homophobia. I downplayed it. Misogyny has been hidden.

Have you explained why it is no OK?
This is where I have been overreacting according to him.

Why would you want to be with someone who does?
I don't. I would never have been with him if I had know from the start. But he must understand on some level that it is not attractive. Now our lives are completely interwinned.

Can you try talking to your husband about it again? Explain again what it feels like for you when he talks like that about your sister?

Once you know someone is scum like him, it can't be unknown.

Best to quietly take space and time and make your long term plans at a pace that suits you.

No need for dramatics, just suit yourself and quietly make your plans for your future.